Is chemistry working for you - or against you?

As I struggled to recover from a virus that has sapped all of my strength over the last couple of weeks, I pondered the role of chemistry in love.

There is not much doubt that most of us consider it to be a vital component of a romantic relationship. But just what is it? Can you feel it when you first meet someone? Or will you lose out if you pass up getting to know someone without so much as a five-minute conversation? How do you know if the pursuit of chemistry is overruling good judgment, or limiting your prospects for success?

Sam, a romantically stymied 59-year-old client, only pursues women in their thirties and forties. He won’t consider getting to know women closer to his age because he says doesn’t feel any chemistry with them. Unfortunately for Sam, few women fall under the spell of a man who is decades older.

Eleanor, a gorgeous, intelligent client in her late thirties, yearns to settle down and have a family. She gravitates towards exciting but destructive relationships with “bad boys.” She doesn’t want to waste time getting to know men if there is no magic when they first meet. Her addiction to enchantment is working against her.

Sam and Eleanor are probably responding to increased levels of dopamine and other “feel good” brain chemicals, which create sensations of ecstasy, lust and infatuation. No one knows why one person can trigger these, and another doesn’t. A chemical rush occurring when you first meet someone doesn’t always indicate that there is a potential for true love.

In our rush to find out if he or she is “the one,” we often forget that initial chemistry is only one component of romantic love. Author Helen Fisher whose book, Why We Love, is based on studies of love’s physiology, reports that three distinct brain circuits are involved—those for lust, romantic love and attachment. These can ignite in any order to produce passionate love.

Sam and Eleanor will probably more successful at finding the love they seek if they become open to the possibility of first becoming attached to others as pals. If they take it slowly, the chemistry of romantic love and lust could ignite with a friend and blossom into lasting love.

Happening this weekend:

Check out the Mustard Festival at the Mondavi Winery in Oakville on Saturday and Sunday from 11a-5pm. Tickets include wine and food tasting. I'll be there Saturday, and will be available to chat and answer dating questions from 1:00 - 2:00 at  the ABC7 View from the Bay booth in the Lawn Tent.

Midlife dating coach, Annie Gleason, teams up with singles frustrated with the dating scene and helps them to transform their love lives with her exclusive five-step program.

Check out my interview on San Francisco's KGO TV View From The Bay January 27.