Dear Annie, I met Gary almost three months ago. Our understanding of each other was immediate and amazing in every way. I have never felt so in sync with anyone before. Our connection was incredibly romantic. He called or texted me several times a day, and we saw each other every chance we got.
He abruptly cut off contact earlier this week. He’s not answering my calls or texts. He is, simply, gone: disappeared. It feels like I imagined the whole thing, except I didn’t.
Can you help me figure out what happened? We went from perfect to nothing overnight. Did he get scared? What do I do to get him back? Ella
Ella, This situation often happens because men and women approach dating differently. Women tend to approach dating as if it were a journey, with each experience building on the last. Women will process each step as it leads to the next. Men are more likely to enjoy dating, not thinking much about the future until he has a “What’s going on here?” moment. At that point, he backs off, considers whether to move to the next level, and goes from there.
Most men approach dating the same way they play football. He goes into a “huddle,”settles on an objective, makes plays towards the goal and repeats the process.
First “huddle:” He’s attracted, and he’s going to pursue you. His early goals are making contact, getting a date, earning your affection, or going to bed with you. After accomplishing each goal, he goes into a “huddle” and asks himself “do I want to move forward?” Women won’t notice until they are expecting daily contact. “Huddles” often happen after three dates, three months, after meeting friends or family, and other milestone moments. The best thing you can do while he is contemplating your relationship is to have fun and avoid contacting him.
Don’t make any more attempts to get in touch with Gary. Get busy, make plans and spend time with friends. When he reconnects, he’ll have his next goal in mind.
The Booksmith’s Bookswap is great way to enjoy yourself and meet new people while sipping wine, sampling appetizers and exchanging literary ideas. Friday, January 29 with authors Stephen Elliott and Kevin Smokler. Click here for tickets.
For more info: Sorry, Annie Gleason and Carlos Xuma's seminar "He Says/She Says: Power Secrets to Demystifying Dating For Adults" on January 30th, 2010 has sold out.
San Francisco based midlife dating coach, Annie Gleason, teams up with singles who are frustrated with the dating scene and helps them to transform their love lives with her exclusive five-step program. Check out dating classes, events and midlife dating information at www.getalovelife.net or email annie@getalovelife.net
Comments
I have news for Gary and all other men in the "huddle." As soon as you get out of the huddle and decide you want to continue the relationship, she may have found someone else.
Annie, as usual, you let men get away with murder. You obviously want to go back to the days of Mad Men, or to be more honest, cave men.
Annie, you need to tell these men that it's unethical to keep a woman hanging. If Gary has any courage, he will tell Annie that either it's over or he's wondering whether there's a true match.
I have no respect for a man who doesn't have the courage to tell me where we stand. That type of man is not a man, he's just a cowardly little boy. If I know that a relationship has no potential or am wondering if we have a future together, I will let an interested man know. I will not ignore his phone calls and emails. BTW, men have thanked me for being forthright with them.
If Gary thinks that Ella is going to fall into his arms the minute he calls her again, he doesn't deserve to be in the dating game.
Annie, you need to stop excusing men for their bad behavior and insist that they grow up. Biology is NOT destiny.
Annie, you never told Ella to date other men while Gary is in his little "huddle." Your "huddle" talk is just an excuse for men to stay in the one-up position.
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