“George asked me if I wanted to be ‘friends with benefits.’ What do you think?” April and I met at a San Francisco cocktail party, but once she discovered that I’m a dating coach, her love life was conversational fodder. “We’re neighbors, and we see each other coming and going. I think that he doesn’t want to get into a relationship because it might get awkward.”
“How would you feel if you bumped into him while he’s bringing a woman home to spend the night?” I asked. She frowned. April likes George a lot; she thinks that he might be “the one”. She hopes that he’ll fall in love with her. However, George has made it clear that he wants to have sex with her while he is dating others.
April wants George to realize that she is the perfect woman for him. “I want him to know how great I am in bed, so that he’ll never want to let me go,” she told me. It’s difficult for a lot of women to remain emotionally distant when they have casual sex. It gets even more problematic when it’s with someone with whom they’re emotionally involved.
Some women, like my client, Jan, learn the hard way that they get attached to everyone they sleep with, even when it seems unlikely beforehand. That’s because of hormones, especially oxytocin, that women’s bodies put out during sexual pleasure, are the same as those secreted while nursing a baby. These chemicals create feelings of closeness and attachment, which can easily be confused with falling in love. To make it more bewildering, different women’s hormonal responses vary, so that some women are able to enjoy a sexual relationship without getting involved.
Men react differently to these hormones. Their sexual response isn’t liable to be related to falling in love. Many of us know men who have had long-term sexual friendships with women whom they would never commit to. If George wanted a long-term relationship with April, he wouldn’t ask to be friends with benefits.
By being intimate with him, April is setting herself up for disappointment. In the movies, a man might not realize he’s in love with a female friend he’s casually slept with. She’ll move on, seeking true love. One day, he’ll discover that he misses her. He immediately a) flies to Paris to propose, or b) runs frantically through city streets in order to find her at a party just in time for New Year’s eve, her birthday, or barely averts a disastrous wedding. Please let me know if this has ever happened to you or anyone you know.
In real life, if you have casual sex with someone, both of you will eventually move on to other partners. If one of you is expecting that having sex will transform your relationship from being “just friends” to a long-term partnership, the odds are that you’re mistaken.
If you hesitate to speak to new people,don't forget to sign up for BATS Improv for Singles Workshop Series on Saturday afternoons in February. This class will help you to listen, respond, think on your feet, and take risks. These are invaluable skills to have in the dating world. You’ll learn some tricks to help you navigate the unpredictable dating scene, while meeting new people and having fun!
Check out my interview on KGO TV View From The Bay last Tuesday at 3PM. Hair by Gene Hays at Mes Amis Makeup by Bare Escentuals
Contact me with your dating questions and suggestions annie@getalovelife.net
Midlife dating coach, Annie Gleason, teams up with singles frustrated with the dating scene and helps them to transform their love lives with her exclusive five-step program.
Sexy wines and romance tips: On Thursday February 5th join Liza the Wine Chick and Annie Get a Love Life Gleason for some delicious wines and dating advice at the Sports Basement. Details on ticket purchase can be found here.
Comments
There you go again, excusing male promiscuity. Annie, you need to teach men to take responsibility for their sexuality instead of promoting the male-dominated double standard. Your dating advice keeps men on top, women on bottom.
"To make it more bewildering, different women’s hormonal responses vary, so that some women are able to enjoy a sexual relationship without getting involved." Yes, Annie, women are individuals. Stop stereotyping us and start affirming our full humanity. You may be shocked to learn this, but some men are sexually responsible.
Annie, stop reducing human beings to their hormones. Teach men to be equal dating partners to women.
Annie, your advice is laughable. I've initiated friends with benefits relationships with several men and have never gotten emotionally involved with them. However, some men who slept around a lot called me a slut. I've never seen a woman protect the male ego as much as you do.
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