(Photo: Pitchfork.com)
You’ve heard it all before: “There are no good men in…” fill-in your city, and then, wait for the hopeful rebuttal: “You just haven’t met your soul mate yet.”
Rub on the back.
It’s like a script we all follow to keep hope alive, in the words of Rev. Jesse Jackson. But for single women born between 1972 and 1987, it seems we are facing a dating crisis. We’ve realized that mother’s gentle advice no longer works, and we’re perplexed at how difficult it is to find a “decent” date. In other words, someone who is kind, respectful, engaging and attractive.
My friend Roger, an insightful married man, suggested I dig deeper into the challenges women face when dating in 2009. So I did, and using questions he provided for this entry, I asked a multi-racial group of females (ages 25 to 33) to discuss what they want, like and dislike in men. I decided to participate in the conversation as well, in hopes it will provide some clarity as to what I really want in a potential mate. Here’s what we had to say:
Q: What makes a man interesting?
Faye McGinnis
Age: 30
Occupation: Administrator at a sports marketing agency in Cleveland, OH
“Personality and a sense of humor.”
Jianna Schroeder
Age: 25
Occupation: Graduate student at New YorkUniversity
“Intelligence. The ability to have a good conversation, humor and of course, some physical attraction.”
Lynne Johnson
Age: 33
Occupation: Publicist in Cleveland, OH
“Strong Christian values, drive, intelligence and confidence.”
Tracey Posluszny
Age: 29
Occupation: Teacher in Brooklyn, NY
“I think it’s his interests, his ability to express himself and his knowledge of his interests and the world around him is important.”
Josette Compton
Age: 30
Occupation: Journalist in Cleveland, OH
“Courage.”
Q: What intrigues you?
McGinnis: A man who’s spiritually, mentally, physically and financially secure. I can’t take care of a man who won’t take care of himself.
Schroeder: Well, artists intrigue me…tortured souls [Laughs]. When I meet someone who I think I get and they seem to get me it’s intriguing because it feels like a “real” connection, although often it is not.
Johnson: I like a man with confidence.
Posluszny: Thoughtfulness is intriguing.
Compton: [Smiling] I tend to go for the nerdy artistic dudes. But what I’m really intrigued by is his creativity, intelligence, drive and humor. If a guy can make me laugh and he’s smart and handsome, I will definitely answer his phone call.
Q: What do you look for?
McGinnis: A God-fearing man with nice teeth. I’m a stickler for nice teeth. It lets me know how well he takes care of himself.
Schroeder: I look for kindness, intelligence, consistency and someone who’s funny. Someone who can hold-up their end of the conversation and definitely, someone I’m attracted to…
Johnson: I look to see if he’s educated, respectful and chivalrous.
Posluszny: A college degree and kindness.
Compton: Well, someone who makes sense. A reasonable man who listens, is accountable for his actions, independent, focused and someone who is genuinely interested in getting to know me. He’s not in a rush or enjoying leading me on...
Q: What motivates you to see a guy on a follow-up date?
McGinnis: If he’s respectful, non-chauvinistic and intelligent, I’ll see him again.
Schroeder: Feeling safe with him. If he’s shown substantial interest in me and I have an interest in him… I don’t bother with the ones I have no interest in… No point in wasting both our time.
Johnson: Good conversation.
Posluszny: If he’s kind and thoughtful and fun to be around. Also, having an easy-going nature is a plus!
Compton: Hmm…Feeling as though he is genuinely interested in me and not an idea of me.
Q: On dates, what do you really want to talk about?
McGinnis: Music, current events and sports.
Schroeder: I would love to talk about him and I. Like a real, honest conversation. No posturing or putting on a front. Even if it’s just funny stories from our pasts or childhood anecdotes-that’s good! Talking about things that don't really matter (the weather, sports) is not what I’m interested in.
Johnson: If I were dating, I would like to have substantive conversations.
Posluszny: Life, love and views on the world. I like to learn from and grow with the person. It's nice to share knowledge and perspectives of the world.
Compton: I would like to talk about us. I love sharing stories about my father’s side of the family. It’s tragic, yet funny and insightful about who I am. One thing that burns me up inside is a man who talks too much about himself and wants me to be his cheerleader. So, it would be nice for us to part-take in a balanced conversation.
Q: Can you recall the last conversation you had with a potential that went really well? If so, what made it engaging?
McGinnis: Not really. Most of my conversations lately with potential suitors have been limited to texting and emails. The technological revolution has really taken its toll on traditional courtship. If a guy doesn't respect me enough to pick up the phone and call, maybe it's just not in the cards for me.
Schroeder: No. It has been more than two months of singledom and no good convos yet.
Johnson: N/A
Posluszny: Of course. We enjoyed each other's company. We seemed to share similar views on the world, but also had different experiences to share with each other. We also took the time to listen and respond to each other, and talked a lot about family during our first phone conversation, which was a bit unique for both of us, but seemed to flow well with our conversation. I got the sense that he was a caring individual.
Compton: It’s been a long time. But I think we discussed male/female roles, which is not original. However, it turned out to be a fascinating conversation that carried on for two days. We listened to each other, agreed to disagree and actually became closer afterwards.
Q: How long should you wait before having sex with someone you really like?
McGinnis: I always act on my instincts. Sometimes I've waited a whole year before sex, sometimes two dates. It depends on the person, the timing and the situation.
Schroeder: Hmm, good question. I think it really depends on the guy. If I really liked him I would wait to see if this was a lasting thing. I wouldn't say there is a time frame. Probably, when it feels right.
Schroeder: Hmm, good question. I think it really depends on the guy. If I really liked him I would wait to see if this was a lasting thing. I wouldn't say there is a time frame. Probably, when it feels right.
Johnson: One to two months
Posluszny: There is no set timeline, but definitely, not on the first date. When it feels right. Spending the night with someone does not mean you have to have sex at first either. Sometimes just sleeping together and waking up next to the person is nice, too, and from there see how things go.
Compton: I’d say wait until you are ready. Just because he’s ready does not mean you are. You want to feel good when you awaken the next morning, not guilty.
Q: What is respect to you? For example, a guy who opens doors, someone who listens without interrupting etc…
McGinnis: Respect is letting me choose the movie, letting me order my meal first, listening to and absorbing what I have to say before responding, and not expecting anything more than a kiss on the cheek and a "thank you" on the first date. If/when the relationship progresses, my expectations will change, depending on the situation.
Schroeder: Well, respect to me doesn't necessarily lie in the traditional sense of respect. It's of course nice when a guy acts like a gentleman, but I’m more concerned with him respecting my point of view, independence, my space (i.e. apt, personal space). How he acts with his family, and how he acts with me in public (i.e. introducing me properly in a social gathering, etc.).
Schroeder: Well, respect to me doesn't necessarily lie in the traditional sense of respect. It's of course nice when a guy acts like a gentleman, but I’m more concerned with him respecting my point of view, independence, my space (i.e. apt, personal space). How he acts with his family, and how he acts with me in public (i.e. introducing me properly in a social gathering, etc.).
Johnson: A respectful man is someone who respects my womanhood, and my opinions.
Posluszny: It’s thoughtfulness in gestures. So, yes, opening the door is nice, offering to pay, and respecting my wishes about what I would like to do. Politeness, responses to my phone calls and questions, openness and understanding. Someone who will listen to me, and also offer advice, but be willing to see multiple sides and perspectives.
Posluszny: It’s thoughtfulness in gestures. So, yes, opening the door is nice, offering to pay, and respecting my wishes about what I would like to do. Politeness, responses to my phone calls and questions, openness and understanding. Someone who will listen to me, and also offer advice, but be willing to see multiple sides and perspectives.
Compton: Respect to me is consideration, and appreciating my contributions to the relationship. It’s an appreciation of my thoughts, my values, my independence and my boundaries.
Q: What happens if a man is not respectful in the traditional sense? For example, he does not open the car door for you, he let’s the door slap you in the face or he is patronizing? Do you speak up or remain silent?
McGinnis: That won’t happen.
Schroeder: Opening the door? Well, I can count on one hand how many guys have actually done this so that says something. I have mentioned it a couple times and when I do I either get ignored or immediately the doors start opening left and right. I've never really had an actual discussion about it with a guy.
Johnson: N/A
Posluszny: I might make a joke about it. But I also at times will hold the door for him, if he has extended the courtesy to me.
Compton: I am typically sarcastic about things that bother me such as bad manners. But again, this is interesting because there are profound regional differences in male behavior. In New York, if I were to point out to a man that he acted in a rude or tacky manner he’d quickly try to correct it. In Cleveland, men excuse themselves by shrugging it off…It’s terrible, I tell you! But in terms of patronizing men, I tend to call them out or do what most women do: Pretend I didn’t catch it, and laugh it off…
Q: Should a goodnight kiss occur on the first date?
McGinnis: Sure, but not necessarily on the lips. I could kiss his cheek, he could kiss my hand, and hugging is always an option. I love to hug.
Schroeder: Yes! If you both want it.
Johnson: No.
Posluszny: Yes...but it could just be a slight peck and save the juicy stuff for later.
Compton: Sure. But if you suspect he has stinky breathe, no, no, no, no, no.
Q: What is your current relationship status?
McGinnis: Single, and loving it!
Schroeder: Single.
Johnson: I am married.
Posluszny: I live with my boyfriend.
Compton: Single.
Comments
Great approach to identifying what this age group wants! Unfortunately, I think there is a breakdown in male/female relationships and more and more people from all generations tend to be complaining. I wonder what has happened. This used to be a normal part of life and suddenly people just do not want to bother, I think we are so overworked and overwhelmed with everything that there is just no time to seek out a partner/friend/soulmate, or maybe everyone has just given up.
Me likes! Good job.
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