When your date won't stop talking about their ex

It’s one of the most aggravating things a date can do to you, and it’s also the thing that so many daters do!  Why do so many singles think that the place to spill your guts about how horrible your ex was is while out on a date?  This is a major turn off for the person who has to listen to it (if they don’t get up and walk away) and for those who do it, you’re spoiling what could have been a potentially great connection with someone. In addition, if you are guilty of this, there are things going on that you may not be aware of.  Let’s take a deeper look into this…

First, let’s talk about why people, both men and women alike, either feel the need or just can’t help talking incessantly about their ex.  There are a couple of reasons. The main reason that a person can’t stop talking also is the reason that they should not be out dating.  A good majority of the time, a person will talk endlessly about their ex because they are not over them.  And in some cases, they will not even see it for what it is.  While they are telling you, in detail, all the ways in which their ex made them miserable, how terrible their life was, how boring/ugly/hateful/distrustful/sloppy/lazy, etc that their ex was…if they had gotten on with their lives, they would have better things to talk about.  

If your ex was brutal and your past relationship affected you....perhaps changed you into the person that you are today....there is a time and a place to share this with your date...it is after you have gotten to know each other very well.  And your partner, while they should be there for you and give you support, are not your therapist.  How many times can a person hear the same story? If you are repeating the same things over and over....and over...there is a problem.

Those who revolve conversations around thier ex will usually deny that they are not over them.  The last thing that they want to do is to admit that they are not over a person who hurt them so badly. However,  when someone is truly over another person…when they have accepted what has been done (either the dumping or being the dump-ee)…when they are ready to meet others and date for the purpose of hopefully finding someone great….they don’t think about their ex.  Oh, sure, maybe a certain song or a certain movie might make a quick, fleeting thought go through their minds.  But when someone has let go of the past and they are ready to move on…there are no strong feelings.   And this means no hating, no loving…any strong feelings of any kind.   There are people who still "love" their ex at a certain level, perhaps in context that they are the mother/ father of their children....but when someone has this type of feeling...they will not waste your time filling your ears and head with all that went wrong, how miserable their marriage was, etc.

Some people mistakenly think that it is a good sign if the person that they are interested in talks badly about their ex.  They may even unconsciously enjoy hearing about what a horrific person they were. It makes them feel safe…they think that the gorgeous person sitting across from them hates their ex….thus leaving them open for a possible relationship with them.    Not true.  That gorgeous person who won’t stop talking about how much their ex hurt them….is still feeling the hurt.    That wonderful person who keeps telling you how awful it was to be cheated on….is still feeling betrayed a person that they have feeling for.

 Would you talk all of the time about someone who betrayed you….if enough time has gone by that the betrayal is in the past…if you have moved on…if you are not still reeling from the pain? No.  You’d concentrate on the present….not be wrapped up in the past.

If you are dating someone and they bring up the name of their ex at least 1 time every date or phone call…ior worst yet, make whole conversations about them...do yourself a favor.  You are dating for fun, you are dating to find someone who “fits” with you. You are not a therapist….So, you need to take the step of walking away from someone who needs much more time for their heart to heal before they can be truly open to you…or anyone.

Too many women (and sometimes men) think that they can help the other person…be the one to “turn things all around”….be the one to “show them that life is worth living”…to teach the other that “true love can still be found”.  But this is not your job…nor will most people succeed at it, should they try.

You can’t pour water into a container with a closed lid.  And you can’t make a meaningful connection with a person who is not open to having one.   Also, let’s remind ourselves of the very real fact that you can’t change a person.  If you ask your date to stop talking about their ex….if they listen to you, all this will accomplish is that you won’t be hearing about him or her…but your date will be thinking about them a heck of a lot of the time.  Is that what you want?  I hope not.

Therefore, if your date won’t stop talking about their ex, walk away…quickly….and don’t look back.

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