Smart, sexy, successful and single... why?
Dear Deborrah:
I am a 26 year old African American female currently enrolled at a Bay Area University. I've been working a full time job and going to school part-time for the past 6 years. I'll finally graduate soon and will take the licensing exams to become a Registered Nurse. I am proud of myself and the fact that I am independent, self-sufficient, and the first woman in my family to graduate college and have a professional career.
However, over the past few years, I have suffered many heartbreaks and disappointments in my life. I want to believe that love is real, and that someday I will meet the man who will love me for me. At this point I've become cautious with every man I meet who seems interested in me. I'm trying to make smarter choices but now men are saying that I come across as defensive and rejecting of men. Would you please give me any suggestions that can help me turn my defensiveness into effective interactions? I truly want love in my life.
Signed,
Depressed and Lonely
Dear Depressed and Lonely:
This is the dilemma of the educated young successful Black female. Your story is one I've heard over and over again for the past two decades. Though I believe it is great to be an independent and self-sufficient woman, that piece of paper that says RN won't massage your feet when you are tired, or hold you close at night while you sleep. So I understand why you are wondering what ELSE you want to have and accomplish in life.
Rejecting behavior under the circumstances is understandable – it's often the approach people take when they are fearful and afraid of being hurt. Your defensiveness is merely your way of protecting your heart and expressing your fears about being vulnerable, emotionally intimate, and loving someone that doesn't love you back.
However, your blowing hot then cold behavior will confuse men and make them back up, and probably turn around and run for cover! Women often perceive men as being strong and invulnerable, but they aren't. Men are just as afraid of being hurt as we are.
We must also factor in that you may be feeling pressure from other women, envious of your personal success and educational achievements. These women (and some men too), will attempt to "bring you down off your high horse" with statements such as "yeah you may have done all that, but you can't even keep a man!" or "Black women don't know how to treat a man and that's why so many of you are single!"
These comments are designed to take a blow at your self confidence, to make Black women feel insecure about her options and choices, and to reinforce the archaic idea that a woman without a man is nothing. These statements all assume that having a man in her life is going to be some sort of achievement, the ultimate happiness and fulfillment. It isn't. Unless a woman is satisfied with who and what she is ALL BY HERSELF, laying up with some dude isn't going to change anything for her. The same goes for men.
The problem I have with Black women that say these types of things to young Sistahs is that education, achievements and separateness are socially lauded for MEN, but when women have similar goals for themselves, suddenly men and even other women condemn her, blame her, and call her nasty names.
Black women especially have been accused of being "too strong" for Black men, or of being "mean" or "angry" or of being "intimidating" and "not needing a man", which I feel are interesting statements. If women of every other ethnicity were docile, happily coupled, domestic goddesses, well-adjusted creatures that attracted men in droves and never had relationship conflicts, then perhaps that argument would have some validity.
But we all know that isn't the way things are.
Before labeling a single Black woman "angry" it would be great if men considered the fact that the woman before you is probably not angry, and she most likely doesn’t feel lonely either. In most instances she's just determined to wait for the right person to come around and dealing with her feelings of loneliness as she seeks this right man.
It seems that a woman who decides that being alone as opposed to dating multiple men that are not good for them get thrown into this "angry black women" pot. To throw women who are true to what they want in the ABW group, is not fair because sometimes it is 100% better to do “bad by yourself” and get your life together as you are doing now, as opposed to “doing bad with someone” who is not the one for you, who won’t support you and who isn’t ready to be in a real relationship.
And in my mind when someone labeled as being "too" anything, it merely means the person making the accusatory judgment doesn't have those characteristics him or herself, and that you are far over and above their level – of sharpness, of accomplishment, of personal fortitude, or of mental or emotional resilience aka strength.
Once a man feels that he’s been demasculinized by one of these accomplished and successful women, he either tries to make you submissive or he runs away. Though this may be a difficult experience to go through for you, a woman should never dumb herself down or appear to be less just to please the masses. One cannot be at the top and bottom of the pile at the same time. Instead, align yourself with a man that is just as strong and confident as you are. A woman should never feel the need to reduce the brightness of her light so that a man's will shine brighter – instead he needs to increase his amps and shine as brightly as she does!
I need you to be very clear on one thing as you move through life and search for your mate: Men are icing on the cake of life, they are not the whole cake. For some women having a man or husband might be the end all and be all of their existence, for others it is not. However that doesn't mean that any woman, no matter how professional and educated and successful she is, prefers living her life without a partner - it just means that she has standards and needs that are not those adhered to or held by most women. Doesn't make her wrong or bad, it just makes her different.
There are lots of Black men that love women that put them first and believe that having a man means something special and is a big lifetime achievement. Women that believe that nonsense give men too much power in their lives - that is all they talk about, think about, and want for themselves. And these women are devastated when said men cheat on them or leave them and feel wronged if he even LOOKS at another woman after how hard they have loved him and "taken care of business" by doing all the things they think they should to "keep a man." They have focused completely on their man and relationship, and have done nothing to create a life for themselves outside of that relationship and apart from that man. When he leaves they have nothing left.
Remember that men are not "kept"… they stay with you because they want to - no matter what you do or don't do, they stay and love you and support you and protect you because they want to be there. Some men want a woman that is more accomplished and independent, and some men want a woman that is nothing without him to form her identity, dependent on him for most everything. You have to find the guy that meets your needs.
The women that finally find “the one” do so after a long period of being alone where they took the time to analyze their past relationships, figure out what went right and what went wrong, how their behaviors contributed to each outcome. Be prepared for the possibility that your inner work may lead you to open your dating options to men of other races.
Finally, one of the best books I've read that helps women balance their need for autonomy and self-actualization with their needs for love and a relationship with a Black man is "How to Love a Black Man" by Dr. Ronn Elmore. Another great classic that will guide you in self-exploration as you uncover the reasons you made poor choices in the past and how to get clear on what you need is Iyanla Vanzant's "In the Meantime."
Taking your time with men and choosing a partner with your mind AND heart is definitely the way to do it. Go forth and prosper and never, ever settle for less than the wonderful man you deserve to have by your side.
If you enjoyed this article, click on the Subscribe button at the top of the page.
For more information on your relationship: Dating and relationship problems? Send your question in for publication and response on this site by using the Submit Your Advice Question link at the navigation bar on the right. Sign up for a subscription so that you will get advance notice of when your question and answer has been posted.
Click here to read Deborrah's article What Black Women Need to Be Happy.
Click graphic below to listen to the December 2009 podcast which discusses this issue
Comments
All I can say after reading this article is AMEN!!! PREACH Sista Cooper! I'm sending this link to all of my friends, this is a jewel indeed!
Your theme seems to be self empowerment and self esteem. I love how you champion for us women to be the best person we can. Thank you so much for this article, I'm also going to share this link with some friends and family that really need to read it.
Well written! I can't speak from the 'black' experience, but will say that what you write transcends color barriers. Success can breed respect, admiration, contempt or jealousy depending on the eye of the beholder. Women of all colors can relate to what you write. Maybe we aren't labeled as 'anger' but there are other means to diminish our self-worth.
At the end of the day I believe that two people are attracted to, and will maintain, a relationship if they are at similar levels of 'pathology.' I don't mean this in a deragatory sense at all! Simply put, your reader is still young (by the sounds of it) and chances are she hasn't met many men yet. Sure, boys on their way to manhood, catching up to where she is at in terms of goals, maturity, and the like. With time, she'll likely meet someone who is able to acknowledge and cherish her for all she brings to the table.
Bravo Deborrah! I loved how you broke down the underlying issues at play.
why are these single successful black women so hard to find?
Just be your self and relaxe wait for your true love he will come just work on you and maken things better
i think about a nice affectionate black lady being with me,
I dont know why?
but i feel more at ease ands less like i have to prove myself around black woman than white one's,
Never been outmwith am black lady but would like to sometime,
theres somethingn about them that more genteel i feel than white woman ive been out with,
caucasian woman want money or whqat you do or what you drive and then if you want to talk to them thay dont know how to talk back or listen, ones ive been out with anyway,
I mean I like white woman alot but never found one i can talk to and her not fade off or be in another world?
Enjoy the article even tho it was obviously written by a woman point of view I agree with most of you article but I think we need to take a moment to be real. I'm an educated sucessful black man! An I'm still looking for Mrs right but less be honest here! There are a lot of angry black women some successful some unsuccessful not all black women are angry but most of them are. We can cover up with all this education an we are the world love yourself stuff but there's a problem that's rooted in our black relationship! An it occurred long before these young ladies get to college! Black women it's fine to be successful that's great but if you go get with uneducated drug dealer down the street understand why your relation isn't any good. These women have great guys standing in front of them they just don't choose them! A brother is smart an intelligent in our world of baller hustlers an mac he's considered a cornball women these days want fake gangsta thug with 160 iq an a 500k car
I agree with the point a woman shouldn't downplay herself just to make him feel good but women need to learn how to let a man be a man. Just cuz you have a degree or you make more money doesn't mean you switch roles. Sometime women say the words I'm independant an I just laugh your not independant that just something you've created in you head we are all dependant on other an when you say that to a man it just tell him that your so full of yourself you think you don't still need other it's a bad additude to have an it leads to the I don't need nobody I'm fine byself ugly attitude! Don't discount your man just cuz your successful. Don't remind him dailey that you are more edu or you make more money or you make the decision cuz you make the most it's not right when a man does it an it just as bad when a women does !
These articles can be so condescending:
This young woman Deborrah is going through a common problem in which I agree is prevalent in today society. However the reason it is so common is because people outlook of the situation. Deborrah started off on the right way of thinking “I am proud of myself and the fact that I am independent, self-sufficient, and the first woman in my family to graduate college and have a professional career.” She exudes confidence that she has been blessed, and to be the first in her family, the start of a new generation within her family tree. Now this is commendable when she has thoughts of pleasing those in her family but take it a step further instead of agreeing with myth that your strong black independent woman….Let be honest God has bless you to get a blessing through you mainly to your future family. You were only strong because god helped you and aided you and you probably pick up some other help along the way to accomplish this monumental moment. You were able to experience some of God’s love that brings us success that was possible for all people.
Now when it comes to dating game if you approach your relationships with the same humbleness you displayed expressing your situation to us you will find Knight and shining armor. I think that people look at their accomplishment as a badge of honor which in retrospect put yourself on a pedal stool, which get in a way of mating when it expressed in such a way that I am independent and strong. If your approaching a relationship with your resume then you always going to have a problem. We have to learn how to love someone without throwing our independence in their face .If you understand that all that you have been bless to accomplish and was to enhance whoever god puts in front of you, then you gain the concept of someone loving you for you. This is the difference from the old school women to the new school women they want to shout about all their accomplishment but women of old was doing it and realizing that it was being done because they was put in place to do so and I going to build up the man or the family with a little love instead of these demeaning tactics of putting all black men in one basket and saying I don’t need you ( translation I am Independent ) you can’t tell me nothing cause I am strong and these stereo typical rants about Black men aren’t this and that. Let start loving one another because as long as we keep blaming one another we will never fix this issue.
Why are black men so concerned with a woman's independence? This is the overriding theme in the responses of Black men to this article as well as to dozens of others I've written. And the "let a man be a man" comment is beyond ridiculous. If you are a real man, there is no one in this world that can stop you from being so. Sounds like excuse making to me, just another reason to blame the Black woman for your failures and lackings. Sorry guys, not gonna fly here. If you wanna be a man, be one! No one is stopping you! If you think a woman is going to live her life to serve your needs, think again. If you think a woman that has an education and degrees is going to settle for a man that has no such interest or ability, think again.
Got something to say?
Examiner.com is looking for writers, photographers, and videographers to join the fastest growing group of local insiders. If you are interested in growing your online rep apply to be an Examiner today!