Why Michael Jackson won't be buried at Neverland

Will Neverland host a museum or mausoleum? Locals say no. William Etling photo.

Rampant rumors of a Neverland museum and mausoleum ignore one major, King Kong-like issue: zoning. As a real estate broker in Los Olivos for decades, I can tell you right now, it’s not going to happen. The fact that he doesn't own it anymore is just a minor obstacle.

Santa Ynez Valley residents have spent the better part of ten years on a simple update of their existing community plan. After all that effort, and some riotous meetings, the final product is not much different from the prior plan. And it says agriculture is ag, and downtown is downtown,  and never the twain shall meet. In this vigilant valley, commerce and cows don't mix.

We're not talking about a hamster here. Legally, you need a "Conditional Use Permit" just to try to bury someone in the backyard. Wealthy, connected former Supervisor Brooks Firestone, who started Firestone Winery and is the scion of the tire fortune, abandoned an attempt to get a conditional use permit to hold weddings at his Foxen Canyon property near Neverland in 2008. The votes just weren’t there for it. Tom Barrack, who bought Neverland for $35 million in November of 2008 through his company Colony Capital and lives close by, was mauled by his Happy Canyon neighbors when he asked to open a winery recently. He eventually got approval to make wine, but easy public access was negotiated away. Even affable octogenarian Fess Parker (Disney's Daniel Boone, Davy Crockett, the dad in Old Yeller) was badly beat up (not physically, just figuratively) by locals when he wanted to plant a resort amidst the vineyards in 2004. That fuss made The Wall Street Journal.

The ranch formerly known as Neverland (the new owners call it Sycamore Valley Ranch, and UPS is having a hard time with that) is zoned agricultural. Per the "Santa Barbara County Land Use & Development Code," the first futile step towards a one man cemetery is to apply for a Conditional Use Permit. It’s a lengthy process. The statute reads: “The review authority shall hold at least one noticed public hearing on the requested Conditional Use Permit and approve, conditionally approve, or deny the request.” That takes a while.

Here’s the applicable statute. Note especially Item “g” which states “the proposed use will be compatible with and subordinate to the rural and scenic character of the area.” Mobs of mourners are not cows or crops.

1. Findings required for all Conditional Use Permits:
a. The site for the proposed project is adequate in terms of location, physical characteristics, shape, and size to accommodate the type of use and level of development proposed;
b. Environmental impacts: Within the Inland area significant environmental impacts will be mitigated to the maximum extent feasible.
c. Streets and highways are adequate and properly designed to carry the type and quantity of traffic generated by the proposed use.
d. There will be adequate public services, including fire protection, police protection, sewage disposal, and water supply to serve the proposed project.
e. The proposed project will not be detrimental to the comfort, convenience, general welfare, health, and safety of the neighborhood and will be compatible with the surrounding area.
f. The proposed project will comply with all applicable requirements of this Development Code and the Comprehensive Plan, including any applicable community or area plan.
g. Within Rural areas as designated on the Comprehensive Plan maps, the proposed use will be compatible with and subordinate to the rural and scenic character of the area.