Mariage means making a commitment
When couples say “I do,” they’re making a commitment that changes them from an individual to a duo.
They are agreeing to trade in the “me” mindset and start living as a “we.”
But when marriages shift toward divorce as more than half do, spouses often defensively revert back to their “me” mode prematurely, sabotaging both parties from reaching a fair, peaceful resolution.
Most divorcing spouses would like to avoid a drawn out, expensive divorce. Most of them would prefer settling out of court.
Unfortunately, most of them, with their “me” points-of-view, are unable to communicate themselves into a fair settlement agreement.
Emotions kick in and people naturally become defensive. It becomes difficult to think about both parties walking away with a reasonable agreement, instead the focus drifts to ensuring they themselves will get the most out of the already challenging situation.
No one will agree to a settlement that doesn’t benefit them individually and all too often the hardest part is going to be reasoning with each other in what appears as an unreasonable situation.
So how can a couple pull off the bandage with one quick tug instead of elongating the pain?
Divorce isn’t a poker game. There aren’t any aces one spouse can hold onto for an advantage, because the only advantage partners can have is reaching a compromise before taking a gamble in the legal system.
There simply isn’t a winning hand here. Instead, it can be more beneficial to just lay all the cards out on the table.
This isn’t time to make a case for oneself. It helps to test the waters and hear what the other person has to say.
When one party steps aside and ditches the personal perspective, that person can figure out how the settlement benefits the other spouse. Who wouldn’t feel more comfortable knowing their needs are being heard?
If both people are worried about themselves coming out ahead, it can become more difficult to reach a healthy compromise and end up extending the whole process.
That is usually the best way to avoid things getting drawn out and becoming ugly.
A very simple way to avoid the hurt and chaos is to allow the other partner to explain in detail what they want out of the situation and hear the person out.
Often, the other party will ease away from excessive demands and soften up a bit, simply because they feel they’re being respected.
They’ll talk until they realize that a compromise is what they really want rather than creating additional pain and spending extra time and money in court.
Both parties want as happy of an ending as possible out of this trying situation and working together is, historically, an ideal way to find that.
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