Wanna know what TV stars make per episode of your favorite TV shows? Check this out

  Tom Selleck: Still earning more money than you.

We all knew that TV stars get paid a ridiculous amount of money to appear in our favorite television shows, but I don't think that anyone could have guessed that it was this ridiculous: $45 million to Judge Judy?  $3 million to Wolf Blitzer, who can't even beat Andy Richter on Jeopardy?  $15-effing-million to Ryan Seacrest for hosting American Idol?  In many cases, these numbers are even more depressing than I imagined, but whatcanyado?  The world's a dark and evil place, and sometimes people make $45m a year presiding over absurd court cases.  Keep on reading for the complete list of salaries for some of your favorite TV stars below, my gentle Examiner readers...

In what's probably going to be the most depressing story that you're going to read all week, the salaries for just about every major TV star have arrived  online.  We've got numbers for reality stars, talk show hosts, sitcom stars, fake judges-- everybody.  There are some huge surprises on this list, but none moreso than the cold, hard truth that Judge Judy makes $45m per year.  That's just insane.  We were already aware that Charlie Sheen was making about $1.5m per episode for CBS' comedy-holocaust, Two and a Half Men, so that's not the most alarming figure here.  Let's just reprint the list (from TV Guide) and let you draw your own conclusions:

Drama (per episode)

Hugh Laurie (House) $400,000+
Christopher Meloni & Mariska Hargitay (Law & Order: SVU) $395,000 (each)
David Caruso (CSI: Miami) $375,000
Marg Helgenberger (CSI) $375,000
Mark Harmon (NCIS) $375,000
Laurence Fishburne (CSI) $350,000
Kyra Sedgwick (The Closer) $350,000
Denis Leary (Rescue Me) $350,000
Gary Sinise (CSI: NY ) $275,000
Patrick Dempsey (Grey’s Anatomy) $250,000
David Boreanaz (Bones) $200,000
Jeffrey Donovan (Burn Notice) $200,000
Julianna Margulies (The Good Wife ) $175,000
Dana Delany (Body of Proof ) $150,000
Lauren Graham (Parenthood) $150,000
Jada Pinkett Smith (HawthoRNe) $150,000
Jimmy Smits (Outlaw) $150,000
LL Cool J (NCIS: Los Angeles) $125,000
Chris O’Donnell (NCIS: Los Angeles) $125,000
Mark Feuerstein (Royal Pains) $125,000
Jason Lee (Memphis Beat) $125,000
Joe Mantegna (Criminal Minds) $125,000
Tom Selleck (Blue Bloods) $125,000
Michael Weatherly (NCIS) $125,000
Matt Bomer (White Collar) $100,000
Nathan Fillion (Castle) $100,000
Thomas Gibson (Criminal Minds) $100,000
Jon Hamm (Mad Men) $100,000
Cole Hauser (Chase) $100,000
Alex O’Loughlin (Hawaii Five-0) $100,000
Timothy Olyphant (Justified ) $100,000
Scott Caan (Hawaii Five-0) $80,000
Angie Harmon (Rizzoli & Isles) $75,000
Anna Paquin (True Blood) $75,000
Blair Underwood (The Event) $75,000
Zachary Levi (Chuck) $60,000
Ian Somerhalder (The Vampire Diaries) $40,000
Shailene Woodley (The Secret Life of the American Teenager) $40,000
Ashley Tisdale (Hellcats) $30,000

The most alarming fact here has gotta be the fact that Tom Selleck is still on television.  What the hell?  I was convinced that he and his mustache have been in hiding for the past decade.  What the hell is Blue Bloods?  I'm sure someone will helpfully explain this to me in a strongly-worded email, but for the time being I'm stumped.  Also: Ashley Tisdale is making a little less than half of my yearly income per episode on something called Hellcats.  If you need me, I'll be calmly hanging myself in the bathroom.

Late Night/Talk Syndication (per year)

Oprah Winfrey $315 million
Judge Judy Sheindlin $45 million
David Letterman (The Late Show) $28 million
Jay Leno (The Tonight Show) $25 million
Conan O’Brien (The Conan O’Brien Show) $10 million
Ellen DeGeneres (The Ellen DeGeneres Show) $8 million
Jimmy Kimmel (Jimmy Kimmel Live) $6 million
Chelsea Handler (Chelsea Lately) $3.5 million
George Lopez (Lopez Tonight) $3.5 million

OK, no big surprises here, unless you count the $3.5m that George Lopez is earning per year.  That's a tall order for TBS.  Hope they have enough money left over to pay Conan.  Also, this probably goes without saying, but Jay Leno is not earning that $25m per year with his "Headlines" bit anymore.  NBC, you're still effing up annually.  Curiously absent from this list: Jimmy Fallon.  What gives, TV Guide?

Reality (per year)

Ryan Seacrest (American Idol) $15 million
Joel McHale (The Soup) $2 million
Piers Morgan (America’s Got Talent) $2 million
Kate Gosselin (Kate Plus 8) $250,000 per episode
Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi (Jersey Shore) $30,000 per episode

Again, Snooki is making a fortune.  That's one of the signs of the apocalypse, people.  Pack your bags now.  Also: is Ryan Seacrest really earning that $15 million?  Pay me $5m per year, Fox, and I swear to you that I'll be more entertaining than Seacrest.  I might be a lot less pretty, but you'll get more entertainment on the dollar-- I promise you that.  Even if I have to wear a clown suit.

Comedy (per episode)

Charlie Sheen (Two and a Half Men) $1.25 million
Jon Cryer (Two and a Half Men) $550,000
Marcia Cross (Desperate Housewives) $400,000
Teri Hatcher (Desperate Housewives) $400,000
Felicity Huffman (Desperate Housewives) $400,000
Eva Longoria Parker (Desperate Housewives) $400,000
Dan Castellaneta (The Simpsons) $400,000
Julie Kavner (The Simpsons) $400,000
Tina Fey (30 Rock) $350,000
Jeremy Piven (Entourage) $350,000
Steve Carell (The Office) $297,000
Angus T. Jones (Two and a Half Men) $250,000
David Duchovny (Californication) $200,000
Kevin Dillon (Entourage) $200,000
Adrian Grenier (Entourage) $200,000
Miranda Cosgrove (iCarly) $180,000
Edie Falco (Nurse Jackie) $175,000
William Shatner ($#*! My Dad Says) $150,000
David Spade (Rules of Engagement) $150,000
Ed O’Neill (Modern Family) $100,000
Patrick Warburton (Rules of Engagement) $85,000
Betty White (Hot in Cleveland) $75,000
Kaley Cuoco (The Big Bang Theory) $60,000
Johnny Galecki (The Big Bang Theory) $60,000
Ty Burrell (Modern Family) $50,000
Jane Lynch (Glee) $50,000
Jim Parsons (The Big Bang Theory) $40,000
Matthew Morrison (Glee) $30,000
Selena Gomez (Wizards of Waverly Place) $30,000
Dylan and Cole Sprouse (The Suite Life of Zack and Cody) $20,000 (each)
Rico Rodriguez (Modern Family) $15,000

There's simply too many travesties here to get into.  Let's all take a moment to recover from the fact that Kevin Dillon earns $200k per episode of Entourage, and then move on to the news...

News (per year)

Matt Lauer (Today)  $16 million +
Katie Couric (CBS) $15 million
Brian Williams (NBC) $12.5 million
Diane Sawyer (ABC) $12 million
Meredith Vieira (Today) $11 million
Bill O’Reilly (Fox News) $10 million
George Stephanopoulos (ABC) $8 million
Keith Olbermann (MSNBC) $7 million
Shepard Smith (Fox News) $7 million
Wolf Blitzer (CNN) $3 million
Christiane Amanpour (ABC) $2 million
Lawrence O’Donnell (MSNBC) $2 million
Eliot Spitzer (CNN) $500,000

Whew.  OK,  that's the list.  So, what do you guys think?  Are these folks earning their keep, or are some people being overpaid?  Who do you think the most overpaid on this list is?  Sound off in the comments section below, folks: we wanna know what you think about these salaries!  Also, don't spend a lot of time trying to convince anyone that you're earning millions in the comments thread.  Whenever we run an article like this, there's always some jackass that writes in to talk about how he earns much more money than anyone on the list.  Look, if you're earning $25m per year and you're reading my articles, you're probably going to lose that $25m/year very shortly.  Especially if you're reading this crap at work.

Stay tuned for more funny videos, news, reviews, interviews, recaps, photos, and more from the Comedy Examiner's Office in the near future, folks.  We took a mini-vacation from the world's comedic goings-on this weekend, but we're back with some pretty exciting stuff this week.  Hit the "Subscribe" button up top so that you don't miss out, and check out these other recent Comedy Examiner articles while you're here:

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(photos: top--arbitrage.com, bottom--myspace.com)