And now, a studied deconstruction of Katy Perry's terrifying hit song 'California Gurls'

  Katy Perry, after performing "California Gurls" with Snoop at the MTV Movie Awards

Before we go any further, let it be known that the Comedy Examiner's Office is firmly in the "Katy Perry is unreasonably hot" camp.  With that out of the way, what we have below is a translation of Perry's current hit single, "California Gurls".  Perry debuted the song at the MTV Movie Awards about a month or so ago, and since then the song's become one of this summer's biggest anthems (due in no small part to the video, which features a barely-clothed Perry cavorting around a Candyland landscape with Snoop Dogg, of all people).  The song's one of the summer's most popular, but what is Katy Perry really trying to say?  We get to the bottom of it all below, my gentle Examiner readers...

We don't have much use for pop music here at Comedy Examiner HQ, but we do know a catchy tune when we hear one.  Katy Perry's "California Gurls" may be the song of summer 2010, having kicked Ke$ha's "Tik-Tok" to the curb after months of incessant usage in virtually every promo currently airing on NBC.  Perry-- with help from master lyricist Snoop Dogg, of the Dogg Pound-- has crafted a song that's both popular and high-brow, but some have found themselves unable to wrap their heads around its poetic intricacies.  As such, we have decided to deconstruct the lyrics for those confused by the inherent message of "California Gurls".  Let's begin with the video:

Perry's video and song sound bright, cheerful, and positive at first glance/listen, but careful examination reveals that this is the most terrifying cautionary tale of our time.  Let's go through "California Gurls" stanza by stanza and see if we can figure out what Katy Perry (and Snoop Dogg) are really trying to tell us.  I warn you, however, that what we find will not be pleasant (and will involve full-frontal male nudity).

I know a place
Where the grass is really greener
Warm, wet and wild
There must be somethin' in the water
Sippin' gin and juice
Layin' underneath the palm trees (Undone)
The boys
Break their necks
Try'na creep a little sneak peek (At us)

In her opening stanza, Perry establishes the setting for "California Gurls": California.  Though this is an unexpected development, Perry quickly inspires us to forget the unlikely setting by employing some truly poetic imagery: grass that is green, water that is wet.  Clearly, things in California are not as they are in other places (such as Arkansas, where water is bone-dry, or Canada, where grass is a deep, sea-blue).  Things take on a sinister air, however, when Perry reveals that California is pumping something into their water supply.  Is it drugs?  Radioactive waste?  Something is causing all this water to be wet and grass to be green, dammit, but Perry remains cryptic about what "it" is.  This is quickly forgotten, however, as Perry establishes a party-like atmosphere by providing a call-back to Snoop Dogg's classic "Gin and Juice". 

You could travel the world
But nothing comes close
To the Golden Coast
Once you party with us
You'll be falling in love
Oooooh oh oooooh

California girls
We're unforgettable
Daisy Dukes
Bikinis on top
Sun-kissed skin
So hot
We'll melt your Popsicle
Oooooh oh oooooh

Perry then suggests that extensive, comparative travel on the part of the listener would only result in disappointment: nothing is as good as California, despite whatever problems it may be having with its poisoned water-supply.  Perry then suggests that any interaction with the females of California will result in an inexplicable, sudden feeling of "love".  This may, in fact, be a side effect of drinking the water there, but that's neither here nor there: by the time you realize your mistake, you will be incapacitated with false feelings of attraction and romance.  The women of California are nothing more than succubi.

Perry then suggests that California's female population is unforgettable, clearly a masked reference to the incurable STD's that many Californian women carry-- and spread-- amongst the population.  After all, what's more "unforgettable" than herpes?  Perry elaborates on the moral looseness of her female cohorts, describing attire that many would consider "skanky" or off-putting, but contrasting that with the image of flesh that is just moments away from being turned cancerous by the never-ending sunshine in California.  Disturbing imagery, to say the least.  Finally, Perry threatens to emasculate the male listener by burning his manhood to the ground.  The message is clear: love is pain. 

California girls
We're undeniable
Fine, fresh, fierce
We got it on lock
Westcoast represent
Now put your hands up
Oooooh oh oooooh

Sex on the beach
We don't mind sand in our Stilettos
We freak
In my Jeep
Snoop Doggy Dogg on the stereo (Oh oh)

Perry then paints a picture of a largely demanding female population.  California's "gurls" cannot-- will not-- be denied, and their relative beauty, cleanliness, and ferocity are at the root of their superiority.  Things then take an unexpected turn (again), as Perry references the East Coast/ West Coast rivalry that nearly destroyed the rap industry in the mid-90's.  As it turns out, Perry is "representing" (or "repping") the West Coast, which makes sense considering the song's location.  However, we are forced to question whether or not the song has strayed into an area supportive of gang activity.  One can assume that her blue hair indicates an alliance with the "Crips", but it could also be coincidental (though that's unlikely).

In a stunning revelation, Perry reveals that--contrary to popular belief-- women in California wear high-heels (Stilettos, to be precise) while visiting the beach.  Though this apparel seems incongruous to a relaxing, fun afternoon spent on the coast, the women of California feel that it's important that they always look their best.  However, this high-class footwear is betrayed by the admission that the women of California will also engage in conjugal relations inside a Jeep, which everyone knows is the absolute worst car to make love in, not to mention unbearably "white trash".  The song again courts the support of gang activity by revealing that all Jeep-based sex occurs while Snoop Dogg pours forth from the speakers inside the car. 

It's at this point in the song that Perry brings back the chorus, reminding us of the California female's superiority to other females despite their whorish clothing, tainted drinking water, and penchant for Jeep-based coitus.  Perry then brings in a "guest star" in the form of Snoop Dogg, who raps the following verse following Perry's repeat of the chorus:

Toned, tanned, fit and ready
Turn it up 'cause it's gettin' heavy
Wild, wild Westcoast
These are the girls I love the most
I mean the ones
I mean like she's the one
Kiss her, Touch her
Squeeze her buns (huh!)

The girl's a freak, She drives a Jeep
and lives on the beach
I'm okay, I won't play
I love the Bay
Just like I love L.A.
Venice Beach and Palm Springs
Summertime is everything

Snoop's lyrics are meant to reinforce the ideas that Perry has established in her verses: California's women are well-exercised, prepared to engage in slutty activities, and are affiliated with the West Coast gang-banger scene.  Snoop then explains how enamored he is with one girl in particular, and it's clear that we are meant to believe that he is referring to Perry.  Rounding off his first stanza, Snoop invites the listener to forcibly manhandle Perry's posterior, an idea that isn't outside the realm of possibility.  In fact, this may be the most agreeable image presented in the lyrics.

Snoop then reinforces Perry's claims about her romantic activities as they relate to Jeeps, but reveals that Perry is homeless, forced to live on a beach.  We now understand why Perry has been engaging in sexual activity inside a car: she owns no bedroom in which these activities could take place.  While this seems unlikely-- Perry has earned a good amount of money with her music-- it's also not impossible to believe that an artist of Perry's caliber would sacrifice comfort for artistic integrity, and many artists have lived amongst the unwashed masses on California's beaches.  Perhaps this is part of her song-writing process: we may never know.

All the boys bangin' out
All that ass hangin' out
Bikinis, zucchinis, martinis
No weenies, just the king
And the queen-ie: Katy my lady
(Yeah)
You're lookin'here baby
(Uh huh)
I'm all up on you
Cause you representin California
(Ohhh yeahh)

Snoop then discusses the male-female dynamic on California's beaches: the men are open homosexuals, but refrain from full-frontal nudity.  This sounds shocking initially, but consider the lyrics: the "boys" are hanging out with "that ass" also in full view, and this observation is followed by a description of the various things on display amid their gathering: bikinis (cross-dressers), zucchinis (a thinly-veiled references to either Speedos or, one fears, male genitalia suppressed by Speedos), and martinis-- a drink commonly associated with homosexuals in California (source: Wikipedia).  However, Snoop notes, there are "no weenies".  In other words, full-frontal male nudity is discouraged.

Snoop then abandons this scene to move into an ill-advised comparison between himself, Katy, and royalty.  If California is a monarchy, then Snoop is the state's leader and Katy is his beloved wife.  Furthermore, Snoop notes, he is "all up on" Katy-- in other words, completely enamored with her, despite Snoop's admissions to what is commonly referred to as a "Sausage Fest"-- because she is "representin'" the state.  Again, the gang activity of California is given a shout-out, which at this point indicates that "California Gurls" is firmly pro-gang.  How many parents remain unaware of this sinister connection?

From that point on, Perry repeats the chorus twice, reinforcing the ideas that she already established.  Rather than go over what we've already learned, let's instead examine the imagery used in the video, which we have presented here in a series of screencaps.  As you can see, Perry has imagined a Candyland-like atmosphere for her video, appearing as a shimmery-haired demon invading a landscape that exhudes innocence and light-heartedness. 

The message is clear: California's "gurls" are destroyers of worlds (in the video, it's Snoop's world), and their loose moral values, willingness to engage in criminal-- oftentimes gang-related-- activities, and scandalous apparel will only lead to the destruction of anyone that encounters them.  Sometimes, this destruction involves breasts that shoot whipped cream, which-- all things considered-- wouldn't be the worst way to go.  Additionally, we have learned that the men of California are raging homosexuals with ill-fitting bathing suits, that the water in the Eastern-most state is poisoned, and that sexual congress in automobiles isn't just acceptable-- it's encouraged. 

While "California Gurls" has presented itself as the feel-good hit of the summer, I think we've proved that there's far more here than meets the eye.  Perry paints a terrifying picture of a once-great state, and after considering her lyrics closely, it's doubtful that I will spend any time in California any time soon, and perhaps ever again.  We must learn from Perry's (and Snoop's) lyrics: the women of California aren't to be trusted, and their compulsive behavior isn't to be emulated.  Furthermore, one who encounters the women of California may, in fact, be subjected to a debilitating sexually transmitted disease, which implies that even if one were to escape California before being poisoned by their water or being killed in a gang shoot-out, they'd still be corrupted by the time they spent their-- probably irrevocably.  "California Gurls" might be the most chilling pop confection of the decade.  Beware California, my friends.

Stay tuned for more funny videos, news, reviews, interviews, recaps, photos, and more from the Comedy Examiner's Office in the near future, folks.  We took a mini-vacation from the world's comedic goings-on this weekend, but we're back with some pretty exciting stuff this week.  Hit the "Subscribe" button up top so that you don't miss out, and check out these other recent Comedy Examiner articles while you're here:

FX RENEWS LOUIS CK'S "LOUIE" FOR A SECOND SEASON, PLUS UPDATES ON THREE OTHER KICK-ASS FX COMEDIES-- in which we learn what's up with some of the best comedies on TV, including Louie and It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.  Does any other network's comedy lineup top FX's?  Discuss.

FUNNY NEWS: DOG EATS MAN'S TOE, SAVES HIS LIFE (YES, THAT'S REALLY WHAT HAPPENED, AND YES, WE'VE GOT VIDEO)-- in which the grossest story you'll read today is also the most amusing, heartwarming, and bizarre story that you'll read today.  Really, it's just a symphony of absurdity.  Read all about it here.

FUNNY VIDEO: TINA FEY'S FIRST TV ACTING GIG MAY ALSO BE HER MOST EMBARRASSING ACTING GIG (WITH VIDEO)-- in which we track down video footage of Tina Fey from a 1995 banking commercial, and it's even more awkward than you're expecting.  Holy crap, that vest is ugly.

AWESOME VIDEO: THE TRAILER FOR "WATCHMEN" DIRECTOR ZACK SNYDER'S "SUCKER PUNCH" WILL AMAZE YOU (WITH VIDEO)-- in which we check out the first trailer for Snyder's Sucker Punch, a movie that looks like it might be able to cause your head to explode with its awesomeness.  See if you can watch it only once: I stopped counting around the fifth viewing.

(photos: screencaps, except the last photo, which is-- abbylipstick.wordpress.com)