I’ve gotten many emails this week from subscribers who have been reading this column for the past year and now are taking their children off to college. It’s been twelve months or more of quantitative dealings: test scores, deadlines, GPAs, etc. Now, though, it turns to matters of the heart.
Major life transitions are typically met with a range of emotions. That’s why any credible mental health professional lists marriage and childbirth (right up there with death and divorce) high on the stress scale. Could you be happier? No. Could you be more anxious? Probably not. Sending a child off to college is no different.
It certainly helps that most teenagers do all they can those last years at home to work the separation. There’s nothing like getting on your bad side day after day to wish for a quick exit. But when it comes down to it, [I can’t help myself with such a beautiful cliché—thanks Will] parting is such sweet sorrow.
You’re saying goodbye to almost two decades of a role you embraced. Your mind flips through a photo album only you can see: the messy meal in the high chair, the day at the beach, the leap into a pile of leaves, first words, first steps.
And here we are. Packing the iPod, the laundry bag, the laptop, and sheet set. It’s over. Your role in your child’s life will never be the same. There’s no use suppressing the feelings. Revel in your victory: a job well done. Your son or daughter is equipped to embark on the adventures life places before him or her. And indulge in the sorrow—it’s not going away any time soon, so you might as well give it some space [and by that I mean steer clear of their bedroom for at least a few weeks].
It was only two years ago that I walked out of that dorm at Goucher, leaving a daughter thrilled with her new home, her roommate, her life ahead. As I walked to my car, I cried. Not for her, but for myself. What I’ve learned since is that it’s we, as parents, who need to evolve. Our kids are just fine. If we’re to manage this transition, we need to embrace it as just that—a transition. Micromanaging their lives at this stage isn’t healthy for them or us. That job is over. Really, it is. Bask in the glory of a job well done, and start thinking about how you can take another step toward you—not them.
As Henri Bergson said, “To exist is to change, to change is to mature, to mature is to go on creating oneself endlessly.”
Comments
Great column, Lauren. We, as parents, often feel a sense of loss and a hole in our lives when dropping a child off at college. I remember distinctly the long drive home after dropping our second (and last) son off at college. My wife turned to me and said wistfully, "Maybe we should adopt a little girl." I was respectfully quiet for some time, wanting to be the sensitive husband and make just the right reply, taking her feelings into consideration. I looked at her and said, "Are you out of your mind?" Weeks later, when we knew our son was well settled, she started having a different perspective as we both started to discover how nice it was to be by ourselves and relate in a way we hadn't since before we had kids.
Lauren: You've really done it this time! Thank you for all your wisdom and help this past year. You're terrific!
Laura: Thank you so much for this comforting and sincere column. My one and only daughter will be off to New York in one week to begin this new chapter in her life and I have not stopped weeping since her high school graduation in June. Advice given over the years to parents on the importance of "letting go" (I am a high school guidance counselor) has not worked on a personal level in any way whatsoever. So much for "practice what you preach!" My daughter is happy, confident, and excited to begin her college career. I am so proud of her. Letting go, however, is more difficult than I ever could have imagined. Your words helped put things in perspective as the "big day" draws near. I'll start working on filling up my dance card now.......
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