A parent's guide: Taking the first step in the admissions process

Have a son or daughter who’s going to college in a year or two? You’re probably thinking SATs, campus visits, and financial aid. And those are certainly critical criteria for the all-important choices of where to apply (they’ll be addressed in future posts). But have you taken what should be your first step, the one that will determine how you handle everything else in the college application process?

What’s the first step? Simply, determining your level of involvement. I can hear some of you now: “My level of involvement? I’m in charge! It’s my money, and I know best. He’s taking the SAT again, we’re going to visit X, Y, and Z universities in late September, and applying early decision to one of them.” In the ten years I’ve been coaching students in SAT and college application preparation, I’ve heard those sentiments countless times.

But now that I’ve coached my own child (her first day of college classes is today!), and am helping my son (who just started his junior year of high school) with the process, it’s clear to me that that attitude needs an adjustment. Do you know when to take charge, and when to take the back seat? The subject in question is your child, who will be out in the world in less than a year. Why not start helping him or her move toward independence now? The college admissions process provides countless teachable moments, both for you to begin loosening your grip and for your student to begin taking control.

That said, students’ needs range widely: some need hand-holding through the process, and others are completely capable of taking the leap solo. How do you determine the right amount of involvement? Here are some guidelines:

1. Do your homework. Before you can decide who’s doing what, you need to know what the process entails (things have changed since you—and I—went through it). Check www.princetonreview.com or www.collegeboard.com; they’ve all got comprehensive lists, organized chronologically, so you can see what needs to be done when. And check back here often—I’ll be blogging every week about admissions details, including changes to the SAT, how to choose a safety school, and why your student needs a great application essay.

2. Go to the source. Start a discussion with your student about the college admissions process. Does he or she have ideas about where to apply? What to major in? Dislikes are as important as likes in narrowing down the field, so pay attention to comments about big or small schools, urban or rural settings, etc. End by asking how much he or she would like you to be involved.

3. Get real. You know your student better than anyone else does. And now you know how involved he or she wants you to be. Is it realistic? Does the daughter who wants no assistance have the necessary discipline and motivation? If your son wants you to run the show, should you? There are plenty of reasons to say no, some of which have to do with decreasing his chances of getting accepted, so you’ll need to start incrementally backing off. Even students who seek the most guidance and direction must take ownership of at least part of the process.

4. Make a plan. Create a list of every step in the process, from reading about schools to applying for financial aid. Who’s doing what? Once it’s on paper, make sure both of you refer to it often, noting deadlines and being flexible enough to add or remove steps if necessary (it might make sense to take the SAT more than once, for example).

It might not be easy to hand over some control, but with a goal of helping your student become a self-sufficient adult, the college application process is the right time to start.