Police Squad! (In Color!): 'A Substantial Gift' (or 'The Broken Promise')

In the 50s and early 60s, who would have dreamed that Leslie Neilsen, the dashing young leading man best known to television audiences as Swamp Fox on Walt Disney’s Wonderful World of Color, would grow up (or not grow up) to be the lowest of low-brow slapstick comedians?

After stealing Airplane! (1980) from the rest of the cast, Neilsen was rewarded by producers Jerry and David Zucker and Jim Abrams with the leading role in their short-lived 1982 TV series Police Squad! (In Color!). Each week the opening credits would roll and announcer Marvin Miller would introduce Neilsen as Detective Frank Drebin, Alan North as Capt. Ed Hocken and Rex Hamilton as Abraham Lincoln! Miller than introduced this week’s Guest Star (who is killed off immediately) and solemnly intoned the episode’s title (A Substantial Gift) while a completely different title (The Broken Promise) appears on the screen.

Written and directed by the show’s creators, A Substantial Gift (or The Broken Promise… whatever) (originally broadcast on March 4, 1982) begins in a credit union office. Secretary Sally Decker (Kathryn Leigh Scott) has been embezzling from the credit union to pay off her orthodontist Dr. Zubatsky (Terrance Beasor), but teller Jim Johnson (Terry Wills) refuses to cover for her any longer, so Sally takes a gun out of her desk and shoots both Johnson and customer Ralph Twice (Russell Shannon), empties the cash drawer and plants the gun on Twice. Only one man can put an end to this web of deceit and murder: Frank Drebin of Police Squad!

Frank: (voice-over narration) My name is Sergeant Frank Drebin, Detective-Lieutenant, Police Squad, a special detail of the police department. There'd been a recent wave of gorgeous fashion models found naked and unconscious in laundermats on the West Side. Unfortunately, I was assigned to investigate holdups of neighborhood credit unions. I was across town doing my laundry when I heard the call on the double killing. It took me twenty minutes to get there. My boss was already on the scene.

Frank and Ed interview Sally at the scene of the crime, but are stumped. Then, they have the dirty job of telling Mrs. Twice (Barbara Tarbuck) that she is now a widow. When the distraught woman tearfully asks Frank if he knows what it’s like to live with a wonderful man for fourteen years, he makes the following confession.

Frank: No, I can't say that I do. I did live with a guy once, though, but that was just for a couple of years. Usual slurs, rumors, innuendos… people didn't understand. Ran him outta town like a common pygmy. Sure, he was a physical education major but he had a mind. He could think, he wasn't all muscle, all body, all sinewy limbs. He got married, you know, later… had three kids. Never cared for her. Sent a nice gift, never got a note. I told him she was wrong. And that youngest boy, just like his father. Football hero. Lived with him for a year. It wasn't the same. You can't go back.

After getting crucial clues from police scientist Mr. Olson (Ed Williams), shoeshine boy Johnny the Snitch (William Duell) and Dr. Zubatsky, Frank has enough evidence to arrest Sally and send her to Statesville Prison. Drebin always gets his man!

Ed: You know, Frank, there's one thing I still don't understand. Now, how did you know that the money Sally gave to Dr. Zubatsky wasn't traceable?

Frank: (laughs) I didn't.

Ed: Huh?

Frank: But neither did Sally!

Frank and Ed start to laugh, but then they go into a manual “freeze-frame.” That is to say, they stand still while the camera continues to roll and the end credits run. Another case wrapped up by Police Squad!

Police Squad! (In Color!): A Substantial Gift (or The Broken Promise) is available from Netflix and Amazon.