Time to panic? Photo by Owen B. Ray
The debate continues to rage as to the exact date when “peak oil” production will occur, and some of the doomsayers claim that oil production may peak during our lifetimes. The resulting decline in reserves will supposedly cause massive shortages, and the world will generally burst into flames and fall into a state of Mad Max-style apocalyptic anarchy. In case you haven’t been watching the Discovery Channel lately, “the term peak oil refers to the maximum rate of the production of oil…recognizing that it is a finite natural resource, subject to depletion," says Colin Campbell, founder of The Association for the Study of Peak Oil and Gas. The day we start to suck the wells dry is open to debate, but there is no doubt that we’ll be bent over again by OPEC and the oil companies as they extract money from our pockets as fast as they pull oil from the ground.
When we have to get all Thunderdome-y to get gas, what are V-8 loving horsepower junkies like ourselves supposed to do? Doing anything with batteries other than using one to start the car is like putting a steak in the microwave, and even thinking about it is cause to be backhanded. (I’m lookin’ at you Neil Young.) The solution has to be loud, go fast, burn something and preferably retain the internal combustion engine. I have come up with the top six totally unscientific and completely non-reality based solutions to get us through dryer times.
6. Bio-ethanol: The only reason that bio-eth is on the list is because standard gasoline engines can be converted to run on it with relative ease. However, that is the end of the appeal to ethanol. Producing fuel from anything that simultaneously jacks the price of food and booze is endlessly stupid no matter how you shake it, and producing ethanol results in a massive net energy loss. Overall ethanol sucks, but it is kind of like drinking Budweiser: you’d do it if it were the only way to get by.
5. Used veggie oil diesel: The veggie oil diesel engine seems like decent idea, and heavily turbocharged, it could even be a little smoke-belching fun. Twin-turbo Powerstoke diesel in a 1966 Lincoln Conti, anyone? Don’t mind if I do. But once everyone catches on and starts pouring yesterday’s tallow in their tanks you won’t be able to get your greasy hands on the stuff no matter how many times a week you try wearing out the fry oil at your neighborhood McDonalds.
4. Drill baby, drill: Peak oil, what peak oil? Drill up the ocean, Lake Tahoe, the Grand Canyon, hell put some wells at 16th and Mission and one in my living room if that is what it takes. Just keep on suckin’ till the world shrivels up like an octogenarian’s butt cheeks. OK, I don’t really approve of this tactic but I really, really love cheap gasoline, but I also really, really think Sarah Palin is Satan’s bastard love child.
3. Hobo-diesel: The most controversial but likely the best local solution to an oil shortage in cities like San Francisco is to make fuel out of the homeless. They are naturally high in alcohol and have a decent 89.4 octane rating, but there are some problems with noxious exhaust before and after refining. Hobo-diesel experts say that we can solve chronic homelessness and a fuel shortage in one fell swoop. However, those pesky “human rights” groups will likely whine about this until we get tired of the smell of patchouli and have to give up.
2. Hoarding: Hoard now and hoard hard. The 100,000 gallon above-ground fuel tank in your backyard will have the landlord and your neighbors up in arms, but give them a ride to Ikea every once and a while and they will pipe down. The big problem here is the initial investment required to start the hoarding, but get some friends together, have a couple of bake sales and prostitute yourself a little bit and you can make it happen. Be sure to have some heavy weaponry to keep the masses away from your stash when all hell breaks loose.
1. Wishful thinking: Gas is going to get more expensive? Dude, how about you put down the crack pipe! This stuff is going to be around forever and it is just going to get cheaper. Mad Max was cool and everything, but we don’t need to get all Al Gore about it. The stuff literally comes out of the freakin’ ground! How much can they possibly charge for it?
Comments
"The debate continues to rage as to the exact date when “peak oil” production will occur, and some of the doomsayers claim that oil production may peak during our lifetimes."
The author is ignorant, delusional or dishonest. Peak Oil has happened - oil production peaked in the period 2005 to 2008 and is now in decline. That is what lies behind the price rise last year and the recession. The age of happy motoring is nearly over. Gas prices are already going up.
But that is not the main problem. What are you going to eat?
One little note, the day we began to suck the wells dry is the day we put the pump on it. In other words, day one. The real question is when does production peak? For the United States, that was in 1970 just as predicted by M. King Hubbert. Most people who follow this with any sort of intelligence note that we have already passed the peak.
For good information about this, google "The Hirsch Report." This is the report sponsored by the Dept. of Energy in 2005. When they got the results back, they crapped themselves and decided to put this on a very high shelf away from prying eyes. One of the authors of the report posted it on his son's high school website in Chula Vista, CA. and it (as they say) escaped into the wild. A DoE representative was quoted as saying, "Oh, that report."
So, here is the plan. The physics challenged will be living in their hummers long after more intelligent people abandoned the penis extenders for more realistic means of moving their lard asses.
Hey SailDog,
See that this is categorized as "Car Humor??"
You have passed your period of peak sarcasm intake.
Hobo-Diesel! Once you run out in SF, we can re-stock in many Oregon cities.
Hobo Diesel? Reminds me of Soylent Green. They won't tell us we're fueling up with hobo gas. Then someone will reveal the secret, "H-Diesel is hobos!"
I for one have been waiting and preparing my whole life for the inevitable post apocalyptic end game. What's not to like about it? MONTH 1: riddance of the sniveling hoardes of passive aggressive Whole Foods vegetarians and their lap dogs. MONTH 2: casual reappropriation of SF real estate ala AKA-47. MONTH 3: Finally finally the re-institution of real-deal-to-the-death gladiator games in the Oakland Coliseum. So I say bring on peak oil, bring on chaos, bring on survival of the fittest. And yeah, I got more guns than you suckers.
The idea of making fuel out of homeless persons is the crude sort of humor that should have no place in a newspaper aspiring to quality or purporting to serve the people of a city.
I am offended, and believe the Examiner owes its readers an apology.
Global warming, deforestation, pandemic disease,foul air, Lake Mead running out of water... Running out of gas is just no...big...deal. Worry about something that really matters, like unhealthy fast food or unprotected sex. As long as "Big Oil" can make money on something we will have Dinojuice. Grab a bag of Cheetos and a Slurpy while you're fueling up at the 7/11 and chill. Jeez, you'd think the world was coming to an end.
Wow, a piece that is both funny and thoughtful! Okay, I'm a chick, who grew up with gas guzzlers and still gets off on the smell of monkey grease where ever I can find it.
I drive a V-8 that gets 20 miles to the gallon in town. If they could do that in 1998, what else can they do?
CatMoJo: Right on.
"Drill baby, drill" ... that sums it all up. We let Cuba drill in the Gulf but our folks can't? Also, all that Oil in Alaska is just waiting for us.
I enjoyed reading your article and got a few chuckles out of it ... keep up the good work ... :-)
Livingston, you better get your sarcasam meter re-calibrated...
Well written, and very funny!
Of course now that the govonator will be closing all of the state parks, we can burn redwood charcoal to produce fuel gas - yippieee! Carbon neutral fuel!
B.
Ha ha - the "reason" there "are" hobos is because of rampant greed fueled by Big oil -
(head chopping allies like saudi arabia - our
"friends") (!!)Peak oil will restore a balance
- so bring it on (ha ha)
Finally, someone who can get the message across without getting geeky.
Learn how to forage, now.
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