A Systemic Reference Point for Marriage

We understand what we see through what we have already experienced. Past and present relationships are the tools we use to understand new relationships. We all have these usually changing 'reference points'. How can we know one another if we don't know each other's rps? Be that as it may, would you not agree most of us have a need to know and be known? Why else would people plunge into intimate relationships? But consider the statistics. Are the joy and pleasure from intertwined bodies sustainable if the hearts and spirits are not likewise intertwined?

Unfortunately too often we don't want to take the time to really get to know the other person. Based on our own rps we make assumptions and projections. Later on we discover the other person is not who we thought they were.

Part of this comes from the fact that most of us don't understand our own rps. Our memory of an incident may or may not be true, but what is even more important is how we perceive that memory. Do you believe what you read in the History books? Is that what really happened or is that the experience of someone who was there, an eye witness, or maybe someone who heard the story from someone else who claimed to be an eye witness? Do you think our News is fair and unbalanced? History is no different and our own rps are no different.

It can take years to really get to know someone and their rps. After 27 years Lily and I are still learning about one another, especially when she gets the rare opportunity to be around my sister. Many rps only reveal themselves in the context of family. That is why it is important to at least be exposed to the family of the person you are hoping to spend the rest of your life with.

Few get counseling, those who do are advised to get in touch with their own feelings, expectations, and identity before they are married. A marriage counselor can help with that. Yes, this is a life long journey, but you can at least identify the path you wish to seek. Is your path parallel with your partner to be; is it in sync, is it at least complementary? Is what you consider important, important to them? Do you both want a family? Will you share finances or will one control the money? Will you share chores? Will you share responsibility for the children, if there are children? There are so many things you should consider.

These are not questions the two of you should discuss alone at Denny's when all you can think about is going to bed. These are but a few questions you should consider long before you find a prospective mate. The marriage counselor will ask a lot more questions to help you identify things to consider; not only your own answers, but how your partner to be answers those same questions. Sex is a joy, but most of your time together will not be spent in bed. If you are smart enough to see a marriage counselor, be alert and pay attention.

Two people can overcome much; if their paths and goals are complementary, but what about foundational issues? Foundational issues are systemic. They are the roots of who we are. I'm not talking politics and I'm not talking denominations. Family is a good indicator, but maybe you have already planned to move across country to escape family. No, there is something more systemic than family.

Eventually life takes a turn for the worse. You know; money, rejection, failure, health. Eventually we encounter questions we cannot answer. Eventually our mutual friends, those dear traveling companions, are no longer with us. Sooner or later we all cry out in the darkness.

As I understand it, eleven of the twelve apostles died horrible deaths. They died alone, without the comfort or encouragement of one of the other twelve. They died because they refused to deny that when they cried out in the darkness ... they were not alone.

When you and your partner cry out in the darkness, will you cry out together as one flesh, or will one cry to God and one cry to them self? This, dear reader, is what I mean by systemic.