666 Energy, the Energy Shot of the Beast

Here is the thing about worshiping Satan. To be a really good satanist, you have to be a good Christian. You can not worship Lucifer and not believe all you read in the new testament, but just choose the underdog as opposed to the winning team. I mean, if you already know who is going to be victorious in the Big Battle between good and evil, then worshiping Satan is like rooting for the Rockies. Unless something miraculous happens (or in this case, the exact opposite of miraculous), there is no way they are getting to win the series, and in the battle for human souls the devil loses, right?

Of course, being Jewish, my whole knowledge of Satan comes from Ned Flanders, Buffy the Vampire Slayer and occasional Black Heavy Metal songs. Other than the story of Job, Satan is not really a figure in my Old Testament stories. Like a Buddhist or Hindu, I am immune to the Big Bad. It's a shame really, as some of the daemons I have read about in the Book of Revelations make the Monsters in Dungeons and Dragons look like fluffy kittens.

Packaging:9
So, with Glee I found evil on my doorstep in the form of two new energy shots, 666 Energy in both "virgin Sacrifice Cherry" and "Lucifer's Lemonade". The big bright lettering shone out over the upside down pentagram, demanding me to slam the whole bottle in one go, following blindly their slogan, "Satan Says Swallow". It also screams out in big bold lettering that Satan hates High Fructose Corn Syrup, Carbs and Sugar. And not only does 666 Energy get produced in the USA, but in the City of Sin, Las Vegas (I always thought the most evil city was Farmington New Mexico...). It seems the bowels of hell also don't want to let you know how much damned caffeine there is in this bottle either, but tempt the drinker with the information that this has about two cups of coffee's worth of the good stuff. Sure it is a wrapped bottle, but really, the unique 4 ounce bottle is completely unlike anything else on the energy drink shelf.

Taste:9 Ice Cold
For something in such bad taste, this sure tastes heavenly. .  I popped the Virgin Sacrifice Cherry's top, and sniffed the delicious scent of Fake Candied Cherry. The flavor was strong as I let it sit in my mouth, and wondered if evil is a dish best served cold. It reminded me quite a lot of otter pops, so like how the Number of the Best itself is up to scholarly interpretation, I interpreted this drink to be better frozen into a Slurpee.

The same held true for Lucifer's Lemonade - a refreshingly delicious treat made better the colder it got. Don't expect your grandma's lemonade, unless she was a goat demon named Azazel, and covered in Lemon Jolly Ranchers. This too went into my freezer for safe keeping.

Without a doubt Hell is better frozen over! The little frozen evil treat was so good cold, I froze the rest of my stash. After all, if there can be a contention if the number of the beast is 616 or 666, I am sure there is nothing wrong with re-factoring my Evil little shots into Ice Pops.

Buzz:9
To accurately feel like thunder of 666 in my veins, I put on some Iron Maiden and Slayer to get in the mood. While I certainly did not get any more antichristish drinking these, I did get much more alert and full of great energy too! I felt power surge in my veins. Though this power was not supernatural or magical, but can be attributed to a generous helping of B vitamins and a big dose of caffeine. The lemonade has no sugars in it, so the crash is absolutely non-existent. There is a bit of a sugar letdown with the Virgin Sacrifice cherry, and I fell into that weird dream where I had seven heads and ten horns, and upon my horns ten crowns, and upon my heads the name of blasphemy, but I took a sip from my 1in3 trinity energy drink and felt much much better.