But a close second is the city's ability to stuff a large number of drinking establishments in a small area, and the city's residents ability to support them all comfortably. Neighborhoods like Fells Point, Canton, Federal Hill and Mt. Vernon all have nice little groupings of bars and clubs for people with a variety of festive needs. And for the residents of these areas, you have a choice of which watering hole from which to stumble home at the end of the night. In my opinion, however, there is no better way to take advantage of this arrangement than the time-honored drinking tradition: the Crawl. Whether you call it a Bar Crawl, a Pub Crawl, bar-hopping, whatever... it simply means taking the time to enjoy many different locations for your beverage needs in one glorious evening. It could be an organized, scheduled event, including most of the neighborhood bars (such as the Clipper City Bar Crawl) and offering drink specials at each stop... or a spontaneous adventure with no timetable, no planned stops, and no clue of what will happen at the end of the night.

What happened to me on Saturday was something... in between?

This Saturday, at 1:00 PM, I reported for duty to Federal Hill, where several enterprising friends had arranged their own pub crawl, complete with scheduled bars, drink specials, and even commemorative cups. What followed was a gradually snowballing conglomeration of brilliant, beautiful chaos and drunkenness that would leave us all wondering... what the hell happened?  But you don't get to hear all those stories... I'm just here to tell you about the bars. Details are inconsequential.

• The Stalking Horse - 1:00 PM - A great place to start, although considering it was just after noon and there were only four other customers in the bar, we probably could have gone anywhere and had it to ourselves. Still, the beer specials were excellent ($2.25 for good draft beer) and the video jukebox was a nice touch (if a little pricey) especially since I got to rickroll the entire party... I would suggest this as a good happy hour alternative for those living in the Hill.
• Ryleigh's Pub - 1:45 PM - Here, there was only one real drink special, but it was a good one... the $5 crush. If you're not sure what a crush is, it's basically vodka, triple sec and fruit juice served over crushed ice. I had the Passion Fruit variety. Delicious! Shame it was offset by the other special, the $6 burger, which was wonderfully large, but sadly cooked exactly the same (medium well) no matter what temperature you ordered it.  I tend toward the mid-rare, which explains why my burger came last.  Huh?
• No Way Jose - 3:15 PM - After the time-consuming, food-consuming stop at Ryleigh's, it was nice to escape to an establishment more dedicated to enabling our drunkenness. With their $3 margaritas and mexican beers, this place allowed our party to begin approaching the unbridled enjoyment of the later hours. I did run into some other friends here from back in Canton, but for the most part, it was still just our group of thirty-or-so random drinkers. Which is lucky, because the bar is small... but comfy.  Worth an evening, if it's not too crowded. Otherwise, I'd find some place a little more roomy.
• Mother's - 4:30 PM - This has always been one of my favorite little places in Federal Hill. I've been here dozens of times since I moved to Baltimore, and have always enjoyed the food and the atmosphere. It doesn't hurt that the establishment appears to have a great affinity for New Orleans, my hometown. However, this was my first time experiencing the new "Mother's on the Alley" expansion. I have to say I was sufficiently impressed. This addition to the back-end of Mother's presents a much more open, bar-specific atmosphere, complete with pool tables. And they have Abita beer, about which I have gushed in the past. Definitely an improvement of an already excellent product.
• Crazy Lil's - 6:00 PM - So this was supposed to happen at 5:00 PM. However, I can't say it was easy to drag everyone to this little nook on Cross St., but we managed to make the move... eventually. Some other friends met up there at this point, just in time to take advantage of the $3 Irish Car Bombs. This somehow became a challenge, as some of my friends decided one was just not enough... Either way, despite the small stature of the bar, and the narrow entryway, a good time was had by all. I should say, however, that by this point, the crowd was starting to rise to more acceptable evening levels.  Not that this is always good in a confined space, but that's the way it is.

From that point on... well, you'll just have to ask me in person. There are some appropriately embarrassing pictures which I hope will never become public, despite their stark honesty. And while some may state that leaving a credit card at the bar is a sure sign of impaired judgement, I say that leaving TWO cards at two DIFFERENT bars only proves that you were simply enjoying the moment so much that your priorities were in a different place. And once this place, this high peak, this zenith of aspiration, is reached... well, there are few greater experiences in a (relatively) young man's life. Until you have to borrow cash for the cab ride home, and spend the next two days recovering your credit cards from random bars in Federal Hill...

So, I have no idea if this was the least bit informative. But I feel we've grown closer... I've shared a little... you've opened your mind to my way of thinking. Or you've at least managed to stumble your way through another episode of the Drunken Intellectual's musings on a different lifestyle. And if you were there at some point during the festivities, I'm glad to have shared this time with you. If you were there at the end of the night, well... I hope I didn't offend you in some way.

And please, let's keep the pictures to a minimum. Is that too much to ask?  Thank you very much.

Mark Burlet,
Drunken Intellectual