Profiles in Barfolk - Episode 2: The Squealer

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June 3, 3:15 AM

by Mark Burlet, Baltimore Drink Examiner

 

 

--One note. If you recognize yourself in one of these occasionally unflattering profiles, don't be offended. Or rather, go ahead and be offended... just don't try to kick my ass. Please. Thank you very much.

That being said, welcome to Episode 2...

THE SQUEALER

To commemorate the recent release of the Sex and the City movie, I have decided to take a shot at one of the Female Fab Four's favorite fans... the Squealer. The name is derived from the characteristic sound which emanates from deep, deep within her when one of many "trigger events" occurs. This event could be an engagement announcement, a revelation of pregnancy, or, more likely, something completely inane. In fact, the most common occasion this high-pitched banshee wail is emitted is the appearance of another Squealer that she hasn't seen in 48 hours or more. You see, this species has an extremely short memory, which means that when a fellow Squealer reaches the bar at a later time, the original one not only believes it has been years, but is also completely surprised by the planned meeting, thus warranting the Celine Dion version of the barbaric yawp. Interestingly enough, this lack of recollection also necessitates the ubiquitous camera play... the ceaseless stream of pictures allowing the Squealer to remember what occurred the night before, as well as offering many additional opportunities for that eponymous onomatopoeia. (You like those big words? Hey... I gotta show off sometime!)

Anyway, the point is that these women, no matter how professional or intelligent during the daylight hours, turn into piercingly loud, ridiculously excitable middle-schoolers on those special evenings when they find themselves congregating in the establishments unfortunate enough to play host to their "reunions". Sadly, the phenomenon is hardly rare. In the post-college 20's (and leaking into the early 30's), the infiltration is ramprant, making it easier and easier to locate a pack of Squealers in the cosmo bars and karaoke joints of our fine nation. Endless conversations about so-and-so's new boyfriend or that dress what's-her-name wore to that-other-girl's wedding can even be heard above that Fall Out Boy song I can't seem to escape.

But don't worry... that hideous screeching only lasts 4 minutes.

So keep your eyes open, and your ears shut, next time you see one of these over-dressed, over-coiffed harpies in your corner bar. Hopefully you'll be able to identify them before the glass-shattering screams are unleashed upon the defenseless public and permanent damage is done to your tympanic membrane. Here are a few fun facts that may help you pick them out of the crowd...

FUN FACTS

Appearance
The Squealer is often colorfully and fashionably attired. Her plumage rarely changes with the seasons... as they can often be seen running from bar to bar in their emerald lingerie tops and matching open-toed heels in the middle of a blizzard. As mating season is never over for this species, their desire to attract a future spouse takes a back seat to any considerations of comfort.

Habitat
The native environment for these creatures varies, but they are drawn like moths to a flame to any establishment offering flavored martinis and/or dance music. In addition, they prefer well-lit bars where they can recognize each other easily, while still allowing them to preen in front of large men in small t-shirts, who appear to be immune to their cries.

Diet
Although often seen downing copious amounts of cosmopolitan, appletini and white zinfandel, the diet of the Squealer is largely unknown, as none have ever been witnessed eating solid food in public.

How they feed remains a mystery.

Behavior
Much of the behavior of this species revolves around the greeting ritual... running, arms held high, toward each other, emitting their ever-present howls before embracing in a shrill, jumping mass of womanhood. However, the squeals don't end there, and will often present themselves throughout the evening, especially when Journey is played on the jukebox.

Previous episodes:
Episode 1: The Sportsguy

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