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--One note. If you recognize yourself in one of these occasionally unflattering profiles, don't be offended. Or rather, go ahead and be offended... just don't try to kick my ass. Please. Thank you very much. That being said, welcome to Episode 2... THE SQUEALER To commemorate the recent release of the Sex and the City movie, I have decided to take a shot at one of the Female Fab Four's favorite fans... the Squealer. The name is derived from the characteristic sound which emanates from deep, deep within her when one of many "trigger events" occurs. This event could be an engagement announcement, a revelation of pregnancy, or, more likely, something completely inane. In fact, the most common occasion this high-pitched banshee wail is emitted is the appearance of another Squealer that she hasn't seen in 48 hours or more. You see, this species has an extremely short memory, which means that when a fellow Squealer reaches the bar at a later time, the original one not only believes it has been years, but is also completely surprised by the planned meeting, thus warranting the Celine Dion version of the barbaric yawp. Interestingly enough, this lack of recollection also necessitates the ubiquitous camera play... the ceaseless stream of pictures allowing the Squealer to remember what occurred the night before, as well as offering many additional opportunities for that eponymous onomatopoeia. (You like those big words? Hey... I gotta show off sometime!) Anyway, the point is that these women, no matter how professional or intelligent during the daylight hours, turn into piercingly loud, ridiculously excitable middle-schoolers on those special evenings when they find themselves congregating in the establishments unfortunate enough to play host to their "reunions". Sadly, the phenomenon is hardly rare. In the post-college 20's (and leaking into the early 30's), the infiltration is ramprant, making it easier and easier to locate a pack of Squealers in the cosmo bars and karaoke joints of our fine nation. Endless conversations about so-and-so's new boyfriend or that dress what's-her-name wore to that-other-girl's wedding can even be heard above that Fall Out Boy song I can't seem to escape. But don't worry... that hideous screeching only lasts 4 minutes. So keep your eyes open, and your ears shut, next time you see one of these over-dressed, over-coiffed harpies in your corner bar. Hopefully you'll be able to identify them before the glass-shattering screams are unleashed upon the defenseless public and permanent damage is done to your tympanic membrane. Here are a few fun facts that may help you pick them out of the crowd... FUN FACTS
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Seems there's a bit of a buzz around town these days. You can't turn a corner without hearing some addict complaining about the rising street value of petrol or gasoline or "go juice"... whatever the kids are calling it these days. Personally, I've been weaning myself off the stuff the past few years... what with my six-block commute to work and my switch to this new, softer form of travel, known in the 'hood as "walking" or "foot-rocking". This stuff is also addictive, which can make it difficult to visit friends in other areas of town, but it gets the job done. And if I need to branch out beyond the 30-minute radius of Canton and Fells Point, I can take a shot of this "gasoline" and drive on over. It's cool... I can stop anytime...
Here are just a few options for those willing to shake that monkey off their back and stay in town for the holiday weekend. It helps that there is alcohol involved. They say that when trying to kick an addiction, just replace it with another one! And this one is legal and taxable, so not only do you run little risk of incarceration (unless you mix the two), but you're contributing valuable tax dollars to the slowly failing economy. So get out there and spend those "stimulus package" dollars, people! DO IT FOR AMERICA!
So that's just a sampling of this weekend's fun and games. As you can see, there's plenty to keep your butts in town and off the sauce, at least until that summer vacation at the beach. But don't blame me if the temptation becomes too strong to visit Aunt Lydia down in Norfolk. I know... I can't resist her boysenberry pies either... Hope to see you in town this weekend! Be strong. Mark Burlet |
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However, this weekend offers some additional challenges to the gas addict. Three-days off work. If you're a recovering addict, or simply a family looking to visit relatives, there is no greater opportunity for a relapse than the long weekend. And considering that Memorial Day Weekend and Labor Day Weekend are two of the most driver-full times of the year, it may be tough to resist the temptation... Everyone else is doing it. Why can't I? But with the high price of go juice these days, there's got to be a better way to enjoy the time off without taking out a second mortgage or selling your roommate's new plasma TV. This is where I come in...
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As the Drunken Intellectual, I am often beset with difficult decisions. Decisions like... do I watch the Hornets' playoff game, or that special about the Freemasons on the History Channel? Or... do I attend the latest Beer Festival, or the debut performance of the Carmina Burana at the Meyerhoff Theatre? This is the burden of my chosen life, to attempt to find a balance between the Drunken and the Intellectual. To the casual observer, it may appear that the Drunken wins out more often than not. However, I would imagine that you don't want to read about FDR's addition of Freemason symbols to the one dollar bill in 1935, or how their history may be tied to that of the Knights Templar. And this is definitely not the forum for me to discuss the nuances of Carl Orff's choral masterpiece and its brilliant simplicity.
So, I will continue to talk about the joys of our finest beverages and most inviting drinking establishments. I will (generally) refrain from random diatribes about the artsy and the literate. But how do I continue to present the Intellectual side without alienating my Drunken brethren? It doesn't look good. There doesn't appear to be any way to reconcile the two... Unless... we combine ART and DRINKING into one event! What a concept! Luckily, I have found just such an event here in Baltimore. The Federal Hill South Neighborhood Association and the American Visionary Arts Museum are hosting a wine tasting at the AVAM Sculpture Barn this Thursday. With wine, food, music and art all in one, how can you go wrong? Now, if you've never been to the American Visionary Arts Museum, you're in for a treat. Located on Key Highway, on the edge of Federal Hill, this is truly a local treasure. Not exactly your grandfather's art museum, the AVAM (as I like to call it) offers some interesting and thought-provoking fare for those with a fondness for the eclectic. And with a few glasses of wine beforehand... I promise the experience will become even more entertaining. So, if you happen to be in the South Baltimore / Federal Hill area this Thursday from 7pm to 10pm, and you have 30 bucks and an open mind, swing on by the museum. Keep an eye out for yours truly as well. I'm a big fan of events at the AVAM, so throwing in some vino makes this a no-brainer. Oh, and please RSVP ahead of time so they know you're coming: federalhillsouth@juno.com See you there! Mark Burlet |
So it's been a while since I posted here, but I have a good, highly relevant excuse: I've been out every night this week! Not that I'm exactly proud of this feat... even the Drunken Intellectual needs his "me time"... but the burden of social obligation has always been mine to bear, and this week, more than usual. It all started this past Sunday evening. I was sitting at home, relaxing after an active day outside, when I received a call from a friend. She was looking to get out and pass some time away from the house, but wasn't looking to get silly. And while, to many, Sunday should be a day of rest, to some... including me... a nice, slow evening spent with a few glasses of wine does not mean you are "drinking" on a school night. I therefore joined my friend on the quest for wine in our neighborhood. Quite naturally, this search ended at the lovely oenophilic haven on Canton Square... Helen's Garden. That night I was reminded how much I enjoyed the fermented grape. From that point, I found another few glasses on Tuesday night after a filling meal of steak with my boss, and then enjoyed some Sangria and white wine with friends at a dinner party last night. Hence... my week of wine. Now, as a slightly heavier drinker than most, I probably tend towards beer and liquor more than wine. However, I do come from a family of Swiss vintners... and I could hardly call myself an intellectual if I didn't occasionally partake in the fruit of the vine. Therefore, I am comfortable in the realm of wine. Still, if I hadn't spent several of my college years waiting tables in some of Louisiana's finer dining establishments, it is likely I wouldn't know much about the finer points of the genre. As it is, I know just enough to be dangerous. Meaning... I know what I like and don't like. I can describe a wine when I'm drinking it... is it spicy? ...tart? ...oaky? And there are a few labels for which I have developed an affection. However, I'm no Al Spoler (host of "Cellar Notes", WYPR's weekly wine review) and I don't buy wine by the case. In fact, I rarely drink at home, preferring to save my wining for dining. So it definitely helps to know a few restaurants where I can find a nice, meaty Cabernet, or a place I can sit outside on a summer's evening with a light Pinot Grigio. Here are just a few of the places I've been where the wine selection is excellent and, more importantly to a rookie like myself, the staff is knowledgeable...
 Well, I hope I haven't overloaded you with reading material... like I said, it's been a while! But I definitely felt like I was leaning too heavily on the beer angle for the last few weeks. Glad I could break it up with a little vino for you (and me). So here's an assignment for you, kids: Tell me about your favorite bottle, or your favorite place to drink or shop for wine. I am hardly the expert I may pretend to be in front of the ladies, so I can use all the help I can get... Thanks in advance, everyone! Mark Burlet Drunken Intellectual |
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I know this won't come as much of a surprise, but I really enjoy drinking. Not in a "get me another Pabst and a shot of Jack, woman, and where the hell is my dinner" kinda way, but more in a "let's come together with friends to celebrate the beautiful weather and/or special occasion" kinda way. For this reason, you will not find me drinking at home, alone, in the dark, with tears falling slowly into my whiskey. However, you will often find me drinking on weekends, outdoors and in public, whenever the outdoors will allow. And this weekend hopes to offer several such opportunities, assuming the weather holds up. That's a big assumption this spring, but we'll have to go with it for now... Anyway, here are three great events this weekend that offer food, drinking, live music and more!
2. Maryland Beer and Foodfest (Saturday and Sunday, Aberdeen)
So there we have plenty to keep us occupied this weekend. But don't blame me if it rains and you're stuck sitting under an awning somewhere, praying the water doesn't drip into your beer. We've all got burdens to bear... Have a great weekend! |
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Greetings, friends. I would like to take this opportunity to introduce myself. My name is Mark. I am a 30-something self-described “drunken intellectual” living and celebrating life in Baltimore City. I love the nightlife… I like to boogie, and all that. And I have had the pleasure to enjoy the nightlife, and to boogie, all over this town for many a year. Oh, and in case you were wondering, I also like reading, independent film and New Orleans in Autumn… But this blog is not about me. This is about sharing my experiences and observations of the many excellent beverages and drinking establishments this town has to offer. In other words, we will be talking about booze and bars, and all the many things that go on in bars. We will be talking about college sports and beer pong, fine wine and cheap beer, outdoor smoking and indoor puking. There will be discussions about trivia nights, steak nights, salsa nights and, of course, karaoke nights. But mostly, we will be concentrating on the finer points of the alcohol beverage and the joy it can bring. Hopefully we can all learn a thing or two. But let me add a disclaimer or two as well: I do not intend that you take anything I say seriously, much less as the “one true word”… no matter how strongly I declare it. And every now and then, I will stray off topic, because that’s just how I roll. But if you have a sense of humor and half a brain, you’ll understand where I’m coming from. So here’s looking forward to a long, healthy relationship (assuming you can call any relationship based on the consumption of alcohol “healthy”). Hopefully I will be seeing you here often… which would make you a “regular” as they say in barspeak. So come on in and take a seat… Mark, the Drunken Intellectual |
Mark Burlet frequents the Baltimore bar scene with a mission of uncovering all that is new and unique. From a grasshopper martini to a billowing microbrew, Mark will sacrifice his stomach and senses all in the name of research. Night crawlers beware.
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