Drunken Intellectual's Guide to Football Etiquette

7 comments

September 17, 6:44 PM

by Mark Burlet, Baltimore Drink Examiner

 

 

• Wednesday - Go to work, read articles online about this past week's football games, go home, watch Pardon The Interruption, sleep
• Thursday - Go to work, read articles online about upcoming football games, go home, watch Thursday night college football, sleep
• Friday - Go to work, read articles online about upcoming football games, go to happy hour, get drunk, sleep
• Saturday - Sleep late, play touch football game (Baltimore Sports and Social Club), watch college football (LSU... Geaux Tigers!), get drunk, sleep
• Sunday - Sleep late, watch NFL football (New Orleans... Geaux Saints!), get drunk, sleep
• Monday - Go to work, read articles online about this past week's football games, play rec softball, get drunk, watch Monday Night Football, sleep
• Tuesday - Go to work, read Tuesday Morning Quarterback article on ESPN Page 2, go home, watch House, sleep

OK... so maybe that's an over-simplification. And maybe I don't really get drunk that much. Maybe. And that doesn't account for my time spent in the intellectual pursuits... reading, writing, composing the odd operetta, drinking wine, attending roller derby bouts, etc. My point is that football is important. But that doesn't mean it is everything. And it should never, in any way, interfere with your ability to treat other people as human beings.

Which brings me (finally!) to the story of my recent trip to Landover, Maryland where I attended this Sunday's game between my New Orleans Saints and the Near-Washington Redskins. Accompanied by two fellow New Orleanians, we set forth for what we hoped would be a spirited but friendly contest between football teams that are not particularly rivals. However, before and after the game, we were met with rudeness and personal attacks that should make good Redskins fans everywhere appalled. I won't go into details, but to curse wantonly at random women for no reason other than the opposing team's jersey on their backs is ridiculous. Not to mention the sheer idiocy of people who decide in their tiny little, beer-soaked minds that Katrina-related insults are classy. Luckily, the crowd around us during the game was hospitable, for the most part. And even though the bitter old woman in front of us shot us dirty looks every time we cheered for the Saints, the couple behind us was more than pleasant, and good-natured ribbing occurred throughout the contest with the louder Skins fans to either side. I can say that most people were just there to have fun, despite the fact that the majority of us were melted into our seats from the 800 degree weather by halftime.

Still, the trip was definitely tainted (not just by the loss), and left me wondering how such crudity and blatant insensitivity had anything to do with the game of football. So, I have come up with a few guidelines that even the most passionate and vocal fans should think about before getting carried away by the spirit of competition and the influence of the spirits. Check these out.

1. Stay away from personal insults. There's no reason to address the sexual prowess of an opposing fan's mother, or to question the size of that certain part of the male body.
2. Avoid bringing up tragedy. Do you think anyone brought up 9/11 to the Giants in a demeaning way? Probably not, because they would be shot. So no Katrina references or tsunami jokes... you know, for that team from Indonesia.
3. Drink just enough before the game to get riled up. But not so much that you pass out in your seat. Or puke on the ground next to your truck in the parking lot. Or have to be carried out of the stadium by security. I understand wanting to avoid the $8 beers in the stadium, but keep it together, man!
4. Don't throw things. This is the obvious one. Unless you've made a paper airplane with a message that reads, "[Your team] sucks!", tossing anything is a potential lawsuit. And really, it doesn't help the fact that your team is the one that sucks.
5. After the game, just let it go. Bitching and moaning at the fans won't bring your team back from that loss. And gloating after the win is expected, just try to avoid the kind of over-the-top taunting that would make T.O. blush. It doesn't become you.
6. No fights. Come on, people. There's no reason for physical confrontation at a football game. Let it go... especially if you're at an away game. The numbers are against you, friend!

Anyway, that's all I've got this week. But I hope to see you kids out at the bars and stadia of this country, enjoying the games, the company of your fellow man and the comfort of a few cold beverages. And if your team is playing against the Saints... don't expect me to give you a hug, but talk to me afterwards and maybe I'll buy you a drink.

Assuming the Saints win, of course.  I'm nothing if not a good sport...

Until next time!

Mark Burlet
Drunken Intellectual

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