Maryland Speed/Tax Camera debuts with big bang (Coming soon to your state!)

Better think twice before speeding past the latest in the government revenue enhancement revolution, especially if you failed to pay the maximum under Maryland's new tax law. It's the Gen. 2.0 Speed Law And Tax Enforcement (SLATE) system jointly developed by the University of Maryland at College Park and Johns Hopkins University in Baltimore. The SLATE system is being installed at one-mile intervals this month on all roads throughout the state of Maryland.

The genius of the Gen 2.0 SLATE is that it eliminates the need for the traffic court appeals process and provides a permanent solution to the problem of speeding, plus it guarantees maximum tax compliance so state government employees can do all those wonderful things they want to do for you with your money.

Here's how it works: If you approach a 55 mph zone protected by the Gen. 2.0 SLATE at, say, 56 mph, the 500 gigabyte databank scans your traffic and tax payment records. If it determines that this would be your second speeding offense or that you underpaid your Maryland income tax by one dollar or more, the Gen 2.0 SLATE instantly puts six perfectly spaced rounds through the windshield on the driver's side.

Then, the Gen. 2.0 SLATE summons Joe Bob's A-1 Wrecker Service to haul away what's left of your Prius, the Solemnity Acres Funeral Home to bury what's left of you and a reporter from Homers for Government News Service to write your entry in the local paper's Police Blotter, so your loved ones will know why you're late getting home from work, again. If your offense was tax underpayment, a permanent lien against your entire estate is automatically registered in your county's court record.

Maryland Gov. Martin O'Malley is enthusiastic about the new traffic safety program. "We've been trying for years to make Maryland drivers so miserable they would start riding Metro but nothing has worked. I am confident this new initiative will both cause a stampede of new riders to mass transit and insure 100 percent compliance with that massive tax increase me and the boys rammed through the General Assembly," he said.

O'Malley said his office has received inquiries from other states about SLATE, and he expects to see the system begin appearing on roads throughout the nation in short order. "This will create lots of new jobs for Marylanders, especially those in the towing, funeral home and heavy caliber ammunition industries," he said.

How will you recognize the Gen. 2.0 SLATE unit? Easy, it will be the source of the flash that is the last thing you see in this world. And now you know what they really mean when they say "Speed Kills."

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