I took a marriage counseling course with instructor Greg Smalley who shared that he called his fiancée a “ten cow woman” when they were dating. He then went on to explain that several years ago in a small village in Hawaii it was the custom for the men to propose to a woman by offering his future father-in-law a cow.
For an “average” girl they would offer one cow, and for a particularly striking woman they would offer three cows. In fact, no one had ever offered more than three cows. Then a rumor began to spread that a young man named Johnny had given eight cows to a particular family. The bride to be was a woman named Sereta who was seen by most as plain and ordinary.
The eight cow gift became so well known that a reporter wanted to interview the families involved for a human interest story. He began asking people about Sereta. He found that everyone was stunned at the groom’s gift because Sereta was just the average girl next door.
When the reporter went to Johnny’s house a beautiful woman answered the door, introducing herself as Sereta. The reporter was struck by how attractive and graceful she was, especially in light of the statements the townspeople had made.
Sitting down with Johnny, he asked about the eight cows, wondering if he had been taken advantage of by his bride’s father. Johnny assured him that he gladly offered the eight cows for his wife to be. He then further explained, “Imagine several of our wives are sitting down for tea and they begin to share about the gifts their families received for the marriage. One shares her family received three cows, and another received one. How would you feel if someone gave one cow for you?”
The reporter then asked, “So you gave the extra cows for her hand in marriage?” To which Johnny replied, “Not at all. I gave eight cows because I wanted an eight cow wife. I want her to know that I value her that much, and now you see how beautiful she really is.”
Robert Heinlein said, “Love is the condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own.” When we see the value in our partner and seek to make them know how much we treasure them, we are on the path to a passionate relationship.
So may you take some time this Valentine’s Day to share with your partner how much you value them. Gifts are not necessary. As Gary Chapman has written, there is any number of “love languages,” with receiving gifts being only one.
The important thing to know is how to meet your partner’s needs in the manner they need them met. Often we simply try to meet their needs in the manner we want our own met. The secret to making love last is to understand what makes your lover feel valued, and then seeking to meet that need at the highest level.
In closing, let me share two powerful principles I learned several years ago that have stood the test of time. The first is called the “ten minute rule.” Simply put, when you meet your boyfriend or girlfriend or husband or wife after work or school, the first ten minutes must be consumed with positive interaction. Strictly forbid any talk about your “hard day” or the bills or anything else that distracts from giving value.
For instance, many couples come home and immediately say, “You won’t believe the day I had,” or “You can’t imagine what your son did today.” Instead, practice making the first ten minutes sacred, it will set the tone for the rest of the evening.
Secondly, ruthlessly remove the words “always” and “never” from your vocabulary when describing one another. Statements such as, “You never listen to me” or “You always forget important dates” have a strict finality about them that can only lead to friction and to a devaluing of your relationship.
So be sure to properly express value, practice the ten minute rule, and remove “always” and “never” from your talk. And may you and yours have a ten cow Valentine’s Day.
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