Do you feel that your kids never listen to you? Do you need to ask them to do something five times before they acknowledge the request? According to Dr. Susan Giurleo, licensed psychologist and coach to families living with children diagnosed with ADHD, autism spectrum and/or learning disorders, there are at least ten reasons why kids aren't listening.
1. They don't hear you. Some kids have processing disorders that make it difficult for them to register that they are being asked to do something.
2. You talk too much. Some parents like to work things out or process issues verbally. If a child has any learning disabilities or ADHD, he isn't processing half of what they say. Susan's advice is simple: Use. Fewer. Words.
3. You are not giving them enough lead time to do something. Kids often get very absorbed in what they are doing. If parents walk into the room and ask their child to set the table, do not expect them to do it immediately. A better way is to say, "I need you to set the table in five minutes," and to then remind them two more times before the absolute deadline for chore completion.
4. There are no consequences. Kids know when they must do a task and when they can get away with slacking off. They will tolerate parental nagging all day long if they know they can watch TV, have friends over or play video games regardless of whether or not they listen to you. "Parents need to talk with their children, set clear expectations and be prepared to deliver consequences if the expectations are not met." Consequences may include no TV, video games or removal of other favorite activities for a short period of time.
5. There are no positive outcomes for getting things done. A child will be much more motivated to listen and follow directions if after they get something done, if parents acknowledge their efforts in a positive manner. "When my son puts silverware away, I give him high fives and thank him for being so helpful. I do *not* reprimand him for putting some spoons in the fork slot." adds Susan. She recommend that parents cheer on their children's efforts.
6. They know they can wait until you are in meltdown mode before they get to work. Kids learn quickly that you will give them 3 (or 4, 5, 6) chances before you "really mean it." Mean it from the get go and avoid the ongoing nag fest.
7. You make too many requests. "I know it may not seem like too much to ask your child to get dressed, make their bed, get the backpack, do a few chores, walk the dog, be polite, turn off the TV on time and/or eat their veggies," comments Susan. "But kids can only do so much correctly and on time." She notes that adding ADHD or executive dysfunction in the mix greatly diminishes the ability to balance all these tasks. Parents should pick a few things they absolutely must have their children do every day and hold them to it. The rest is "nice to do" but not something you will demand of them day after day.
8. You are too critical. Susan cautions, "I know children can be frustrating. I know parents get tired. But sometimes we can get in a cycle with our kids where everything we say to them is a correction." No one will listen to an ongoing litany of what they can't do or what they have done wrong. Be aware of what you are saying and how you are saying it (tone of voice) to your kids. If your criticisms are more than your compliments, immediately start to turn that around.
9. You yell all the time. Susan advises against yelling. "Kids quickly tune out. It just becomes background noise. Plus, when you're yelling, you're not saying nice things and no one wants to hear that. Yelling accomplishes nothing. Ever." She recommends that if you it might be time to consult a professional to develop a wider range of discipline and parenting skills if parents consistently fall back into a yelling mode.
10. Your kids tried to please you at some point, but realized it wasn't enough. "Here is a secret: all kids want to please their parents," says Susan. No child starts life saying, " I'm just not going to listen to you." Children seek out parental approval. They want their efforts recognized. Kids often fall short of expectations, but parents need to always celebrate that their kids tried to be 'good.'. When parents are more critical than complimentary, kids eventually say to themselves, "Why bother? Mom/Dad won't like what I do anyway. Better to stay watching TV and listen to their complaints than try to do it and get criticized."
About Susan: Dr. Susan Giurleo is a psychologist and coach for families living with ADHD, autism spectrum and learning disorders. She specializes in empowering parents to create peaceful, functional families.She founded Child Development Partners as a means to share accurate, specific, useful information about these disorders, as well as to provide a forum for parents to learn skills and tools to support their children and the family as a whole.
She has a PhD in Counseling Psychology and extensive experience counseling and coaching children, adolescents and families on issues of behavioral and emotional control, organization, and academic success. Susan has also worked for several years as a school psychologist and understands the realities of what it means to live with attentional, social, and learning disorders in the school setting.
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