Spotlighting author: Susan Shapiro Barash

In today’s society, the guidelines for how to be a good friend are blurred. Appalling examples, from young girls physically attacking one another, to MTV’s The Hills bitter “frienemies,” have filtered into society making it easy to get lost in the chaos of how not to be a friend. Susan Shapiro Barash, recognizing this folly, has written her book Toxic Friends, so that girls, and women, of all ages are supplied with a moral road map and compass.

“I wrote [Toxic Friends] not just so we could evaluate who are friends are, but who we are to our friends. It’s fascinating that this really applies to younger women as well as women of all ages. It’s so easy to be doing the same thing in friendships in your 20s, 30s and 40s. I really want this book to be a tool for women, a guide book so we can understand better what we have in our friendships and what we are missing; for it to be a way to better understand and get healthier relationships. There is something that has made friendship more difficult and I pursued identifying it.”

Shapiro Barash was determined to get a factual background for the various types of friendships that exist. “I interviewed 200 women for the book and then I interviewed 100 more for the questionnaire. Whether you are richor poor, wherever you live, the feelings exist in friendship and are so involved. It is entwined in women that we have to be connected. We share all these intimate details with one another. This creates a lot of support and security as well as creating chaos when it’s not working well.”

Why do these friendships become volatile when they hit a rocky slope? “There is a rivalrous component, and will continue to be, until we stop thinking there is not enough pie. It’s something within our nature and culture. Look at [Archie’s] Betty and Veronica. We are raised to consider the friendship so important, and yet we hold the bar so high that we don’t give our friends enough credit for their given lives.”

It’s not just about ‘them,’ in life it is also about ‘us’ and what we are, or aren’t doing, to help or better a friendship. “We need to ask more what we bring to a relationship. Be more aware. Sometimes we don’t realize what it is to be a friend. There are so many ways to communicate, especially now with email and text.” Often things are lost in translation when emotion is based on an emoticon or italics.

“The book appeals to women of every age, and so much of what we learn about being a good friend comes from how our mothers’ are and what they teach us. So it is very important for women with young daughters to take a look at what they are teaching. It starts early and carries over throughout life. It is so important and we have to remember that. Because, as painful as it is – you are your daughter’s mother and you can control some parts, but you can’t control it all.

“Healthy friendships are really rewarding. We can live so far away from our families – and the friends become the family. We all have such busy lives and women of all ages have said to me that time was the biggest upset to them – if their friends do not have time for them. It can be hard when you’re feelings are hurt and the truth is women really yearn for these bonds to be successful. Anything short of that feels like a betrayal.

“We’ve all had a friend chronically late, usually cancels, tells you to eat the brownie or the dress looks great. Why do we keep these friends? Women rationalize often. She was there in college, we use to be neighbors, she was there for me in my divorce, etc… The truth is that break ups are very hard for women.

“Women are astonished when a friend does something that they don’t respect. The pain of it and the reluctance to say she is no longer my friend. Women don’t want to feel like they have failed at something and/or that they have failed her. We have human nature and circumstances.

“I recently wrote a book called Tripping the Prom Queen that really looks at female rivalry. A lot of the book was about friends being really competitive with eachother.” It’s human nature to be competitive, but awareness can curb the hurtful edge that competition often brings.

“I also wanted women to be able to recognize who their toxic friends are and how toxicity can creep into the friendship. We choose our friends, so in theory it all starts on a high note and when it declines you have to take stock. Communication and authenticity are key – if only we can work to be better about it and more honest. You may tell your friend how you feel about a guy but can’t tell her how you feel about her when you are frustrated.

“It’s important to understand who you are and what your needs are now. Women will sometimes leave an unhealthy friendship and find themselves in one later – repeating patterns. We have to realize that.” Being aware of your patterns allows you to change them out for healthier ones and healthier relationships.

What goals does Shapiro Barash have for Toxic Friends? “This book is truly a guide book, and I want women to see themselves in these stories and to have the goal and desire to improve their situations. I want them to have the power and authority to let go of relationships that don’t work; to have a wake up call and a better advantage in today’s world and self awareness. We are not alone, there are many other women out there just like you.”

As for being able to move past unhealthy, draining relationships and embrace uplifting ones, “It’s a complicated road, but I do feel that in today’s world with lots of action packed days and goals, female healthy friendship are really attainable.”

For more about Susan Shapiro Barash, visit her website at: http://susanshapirobarash.com/content/index.asp