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Zombie-like stalemate: That double-edged sword in love (and life)

In a modern dating world with today’s modern-alternative and traditional daters, a zombie-like stalemate state has become their sometimes only chance for survival; can partners survive dating–or will stalemate in love always be the double-edged sword?
In a modern dating world with today’s modern-alternative and traditional daters, a zombie-like stalemate state has become their sometimes only chance for survival; can partners survive dating–or will stalemate in love always be the double-edged sword?
by P.K. Costa

It seems that the battle between growth and impasse may never change, at least not while things like a “stalemate” remains a double-edged sword; seriously, look at the way it’s played in the game of chess vs. in love. In chess, a “stalemate” can leave a mate hanging in as little as 10 moves – regardless of the “unknown” of the next game. Whereas in love, a “stalemate” can cause total impasse leaving one or both completely paralyzed indefinitely; not only keeping them from moving on or out (generally out of fear or convenience), but often at a complete standstill.

To know that anyone struggling in a relationship is disheartening, but to watch couples who dream up their own twisted version of truth based on a society that has a distorted philosophy from all failed relationships past – basically making up rules as they go along because of passiveness, lack of assertiveness, adjustments at-will, including morals – it’s no wonder some people walk around as if in a zombie-like daze. (Maybe the movie, “Warm Bodies,” will send a much needed message society could learn from).

Some question why some who are dating don’t want to move forward, let alone if they even remember how. The problem may not lay entirely with individuals, however, since after all – we do live in a point-and-click society based on instant gratification. The “I want it now” demands have not only created demons in some, it’s created a lack of wanting to “do the work” to get to the core of what’s real.

Stalemate is where people ultimately fall and often remain – and as has been determined, sometimes indefinitely. At least until they've had a chance to compare themselves to others in hopes something will click; imagine if you will though, the allowing of a point-and-click society to not only mess with your direction, but now your every move? It’s no wonder people are creating backdoor escape clauses for when their limits have been reached.

Why one would think a cure could be found to bypass “the work” to get from courtship to marriage in just a few months is beyond me; courtship may sound old-fashioned, but time has always been the one time-honored tried and true method for any relationship’s stable foundation and growth. This new dating dilemma, the double-edged sword stalemate, very well may be the new band-aid for society’s confused state, but it's no cure-all and if it doesn't kill relationships it very well could cause a zombie-like dilemma.

On the other hand, society can’t take the entire blame – not when the “online daters” wanted an immediate point-and-click dating community, complete with a date-in-10-minutes and a second-date-for-later option; well, they certainly played that well, the double-edged sword with a twist: The birth of disposable clause. Whether or not it was morally right had no bearing whatsoever; it became acceptable when society turned a moral cheek. And when dating multiple people became an issue, or when dispose after use became another norm – it was much easier to create a dater beware clause, than to put forth effort or do what was morally right.

So, when today’s traditional meets the modern-alternative in dating, couples looking for a real anything let alone how to avoid or get out of a stalemate – they don’t stand a fighting chance – at any age, in any day. This incessant demand for instant gratification followed by instant reward has not only replaced all traditional values, it’s messed up dating to the point that people expect multiples, wings, back doors and disposable clauses – with no moral responsibility whatsoever. But the point is not to single out the dating method because all come with opportunity and few actually work when people don’t put in the time and effort; this is about dating in today’s modern world and finding something that does work for the individual, especially those who care about traditional values.

So, what can people do in 2013's dating world, especially those modern-alternative's looking for a traditional mate of today with substance?

One great idea might be to start looking in the pool of recycled heart rejects they threw in awhile back; you know, when they discarded the pool of the "too traditional," not realizing the result was the roaming of a societal graveyard. Perhaps it is time to weed through, and yes, it may require some layer peeling, but their hearts are no less golden, their worth no less priceless – for they are kind, generous, and experienced and by far much more ready for all that today has to offer. Being recycled doesn't make an automatic baggage carrier or green, it makes them ripe, kind, beautiful, handsome, sturdy, and strong – not made of plastic who would settle for just about anything. People should not go with “the norm" nor should dating be about choosing “the best” person – but choosing the person that makes a best you.

Don’t forget to add humor to that Life Tool Chest as without the right attitude – and humor – daters don’t stand a chance. It takes time to find the right one, so enjoy it, expect nothing and take your time. May people enjoy dating and embrace it with a new-found sense of hope, promise, and don’t forget to adjust the magic (or dream) to fit the times – with much more excitement to look forward to. Be safe, strong and good luck in your dating ventures. More on building your life tool chest for dating, relationships and friendships with P.K. only on Examiner.com.

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Additional info to feed the heart and soul:

In the last article we outlined the “Life Tool Chest” tools with their meanings (for fun), highlighting: Realization, Perspective, Attitude and There is No Such Thing as Failure; with this article highlighting the following key tools:

Life Chest Tools – No task too difficult when you have the right tools

Stalemate – In the game of chess it is the result of a series of moves (from 10 to 13 or more) that ultimately trap a player into an end to a game with no winner or loser. In love, it is a state of being where neither partner “moves,” forward or out; pretty much the same as stagnate. Play a game of chess with your date; see where it leads.

Point-and-Click Society – The latest and greatest technology that allows for instant rewards and an “I want it now” attitude; if you’re clouded by the application of expression without personalization you could get controlled by it. Reality comes with self-control.

Healthy Relationship – What everyone dreams of; it’s out there if couples take the time to get to know someone. No one has to “settle” let alone compromise – or even concede at every given opportunity; be unique and dare to dream. Steer clear of peer pressure and society and create your own path alone and as a couple.

Communicate / Talk – Face-to-face communication with words, touch, sight, body language – I know, imagine the possibilities

And, as always, humor is one of life’s greatest tools to get through tough times and, it actually part of a great recipe to avoid disaster in love; so to add to that:

Humorous Life Tool Chest – No relationship too difficult when you have the right attitude and tools (laughter being the best medicine)

Dater Beware Clause – Pretty much a safety net holder of some sort – usually has an excuse for everything but more of what others see as a red flag (such as someone who avoids questions or who provides “just enough” info to “almost” satisfy; the evader or deflector – the fly-by-nighter – you get the idea). See Back Door Clause.

Multiples / Wings – The same as having someone waiting in the wings if the date doesn't work (two hours later); or multiple dater, lunch with one, dinner with another, spend the night with yet another. Stay clear and see Back Door Clause.

Disposable Clause / Back Door Clause – Those who fear nothing; always endlessly searching for a love but never find it because they exit stage left a kiss too early – Not the back door knocker for a cup of coffee; this is the breast pocket plastic excuse-holder that couldn't hold water yet holds the excuse from the quick exit to dog ate phone to lost your number while hot-tubbing with (fill in blank). This is a “no one is home but there may be eyes open long enough to look through” type with an excuse for everything.

Dispose After Use – Date-and-run; generally afraid to open up or commit, but loves the first-time date for kicks and giggles knowing they have an “out.” People are not doormats or disposable picnic wear; move on.

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