Zombie Outbreak Survival: The Definitive Zombie Apocalypse Survival Test
The Answers!
In my previous articles, you will find Parts 1 and 2 of the definitive test. Use these articles (and the next few) to check your zombie outbreak survival learning curve. In this article, I will continue discussing the correct answers, leaving you with plenty of food for thought. I’ll cover the answers to questions 31 - 40.
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31. Zombies are everywhere. You are all alone. Which of these would be the best place to create a zombie pandemonium survival shelter?
a) A cave.
b) The middle of the desert.
c) A tree house.
d) None of these are great choices.
e) None of these because zombies are not real.
Discussion: None of these are great choices. Keep looking or be ready to die very soon.
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32. You need to become a badass before the zombie apocalypse comes. Where should be the first place you go to get training in badassery?
a) The United States Marine Corps.
b) The US Navy.
c) The US Coast Guard.
d) The US Air Force.
e) None of these because zombies are not real.
Discussion: The USMC focuses on infantry tactics and warfare as demonstrated by its doctrine that every Marine is a rifleman (an infantry warrior first). All Marines in every job from butchers and bakers to candlestick makers to administrators to mechanics receive training as combat riflemen first before they are trained in any other jobs. All USMC officers receive advanced combat platoon commander training. There are plenty of historic examples of an assortment of Marines from odd jobs like aircraft mechanics and cooks forming combat ranks to repel enemy forces whenever and wherever necessary. This doctrine is very similar to what you heard King Leonidas describe in the movie 300. The Greek regular army of 10,000 showed up and Leonidas stated that he had more soldiers (300) than had arrived with the Greek army. The movie is pure fictionalize history, but I describe it here just to give you some pretext to the Marine Corps’ ethos of baddassery. The other military branches, National Guard units, police forces, and plenty of civilian “hobbyist groups” (also known as militias or civil defenses) have plausible schools of badassery and survival training options. But looking at the options above, you need to know that as a US Marine, you will be issued a combat assault rifle on the first day of boot camp and if you can’t handle a combat assault rifle we kick you out. While in other service branches, you may not get to train to fire a gun throughout your entire enlistment. Why would a radar technician in the Air Force need weapons training? On the other hand, Marines can’t become radar technicians until after they pass their weapons and combat training; men and women.
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33. So… you are not qualified to join the military. Which of the following is the best option for getting some other good training in badassery?
a) The boot camp cardio class at your local gym.
b) The Boy Scouts.
c) YouTube videos.
d) A martial arts class.
e) None of these because zombies are not real.
Discussion: It’s not as easy to join the US military as people often think. Thank God for intelligence tests, medical evaluations, and background checks. When entrance requirements are relaxed and riff-raff are allowed to fill the ranks of the military, the country delivers a faulty product. However, alternatives to military training include The Boys Scouts, local first responders, civilian “hobbyist” ~Yippie Ky Yaaay! Mexico can never invade Texas again!~, police departments, and the often overlooked ROTCs of high schools and universities. I served as a combat instructor for the Texas A&M Corps of Cadets. Plenty of these high spirited young people became badasses right there in College Station, Texas and some of them later joined the military, but most did not. My students gave me the call-sign, “Mustaffa” the African God of War. Ahhhh...the memories. So, I have a high degree of respect for The Boy Scouts and ROTCs; therefore, you should too. Stay away from hate groups, anti-government groups, doomsday cults, and terrorist training opportunities. A lot of these groups are illegal to join and it will be much harder to survive the zombie apocalypse if your mind is full of the kind of crap you get from groups like these. According to my code, people in these groups are high on the list of get-rid-of-them-first-before-they-get-you in a zombie apocalypse.
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34. You have some time to get ready for the zombie apocalypse. What should you be doing with your time?
a) Getting healthy and fit.
b) Collecting weapons and practicing with them.
c) Cardio.
d) All of the above.
e) None of these because zombies are not real.
Discussion: Surviving a zombie apocalypse is tough, but it’s tougher if you are out of shape and unhealthy. Inventory your personal health and work on getting healthier. Go see your doctor. Unhealthy, out of shape people have very low survivability in any pandemic event and an extremely low survival rate in a zombie apocalypse. I’d like to suggest another important thing you can do to be better prepared... Kick all of your bad habits. Do you like to drink colas or alcohol? Do you smoke? Do you crave pizza and fried chicken? Do you crave Starbucks? Do you use, or are you addicted to pain killers, marijuana, or other drugs? A pandemic zombie outbreak is one hell of a rehab opportunity—one hell of an intervention. You won’t want your nicotine or booze addiction to put you in situations where you make stupid choices. So kick your bad habits now before you are forced to. The less dependent on insignificant things you are, the better. If you have a substance abuse problem get the help you need now. It’s much better to go into a zombie apocalypse clean and sober than otherwise.
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35. You have some time to get ready for the zombie apocalypse. What should you be doing with your time?
a) Seeing your doctor for a medical evaluation physical and getting current on your vaccinations.
b) Scoring (you know…getting busy) with as many people as you possibly can.
c) Supporting the NRA.
d) All of the above.
e) None of these because zombies are not real.
Discussion: You should be doing a whole lot more, but getting healthy and current on your immunizations is somewhere near the top of the before the zombie apocalypse gets here “To Do” list. B doesn’t even make my list. C is the worst choice. Don’t send your money to the NRA. You need your money. Although recently the NRA began hosting zombie outbreak preparedness events and so maybe you should consider attending these sorts of events; just make sure you are using your money to get ready and to buy things you will need. An NRA membership card during a zombie apocalypse is worth less than a few strips of used toilette tissue. If you want to give away money, send it to me.
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NRA & Zombies: http://www.npr.org/2012/04/16/150710498/nra-gets-in-on-the-zombie-craze
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36. You know the zombie apocalypse is coming. Which of the following should you avoid doing at all costs?
a) Avoid playing zombie video games and watching bad zombie movies because these are a waste of time.
b) Avoid making babies… having kids… getting pregnant because kids are a major apocalypse survival liability.
c) Avoid paying your taxes and supporting your government because the apocalypse will be here before the IRS catches up to you.
d) Avoid stocking up on “the little things” that will help you get through the apocalypse.
e) None of these because zombies are not real.
Discussion: Survival in a zombie outbreak pandemonium is about simplicity. If you can streamline your life, your lifestyle, your basic needs, then you are better suited to surviving the end of the world. Over complicate your life and you die. If you want to make surviving the zombie apocalypse harder than it already will be, maybe you relish the challenge, then go ahead and add the baggage of pregnancy and kids. Children are the germiest, nastiest, cesspool petridishes of viral outbreak potential and almost everyone has them or knows some—they don’t wash their filthy little hands, they put crazy things in their mouths all the time, and they touch everything. People with kids will be the first and fastest to fall from any kind of pandemic outbreak, let alone a pandemic zombie outbreak. Kids almost always decrease your survival chances, until they become older kids who can be bad-asses in training. The good thing about older kids is that they can be very helpful and they tend to be very loyal to their parents in the worst do-or-die situations. Just make sure your older kids are getting some survival practice. Make them join The Boy Scouts. Make them participate in survival themed sports like martial arts and distance running. In a zombie apocalypse, kids can make good scouts. Give the kid a two-way radio, send him or her to the top of a tall building, and let them be your eyes in the sky as you make your way through the zombie infested city in search of food and water.
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37. You know the zombie apocalypse is coming. Which of the following should you be doing?
a) Running in zombie themed races.
b) Researching zombies in the media: movies, video games, YouTube.
c) Stashing all the hard cash you can get into a safe place, like under your mattress.
d) A and B.
e) None of these because zombies are not real.
Discussion: C is the worst choice. Cash will be useless in a zombie apocalypse.
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38. Which of these sports teaches the most relevant skills for surviving a zombie apocalypse?
a) Baseball because it teaches you to swing hard and run fast.
b) Football because it teaches hard-hitting grit, persistence, leadership, and teamwork.
c) Soccer because there’s a lot of pointless and frantic running around.
d) Mixed Martial Arts because it teaches you how to kick someone’s ass.
e) None of these because zombies are not real.
Discussion: Football is a great activity for making yourself and/or your kids better prepared for the zombie apocalypse. MMA is not the worst choice because you will want to know some hand-to-hand close combat moves in a zombie apocalypse; however, you won’t last long if you think taking a zombie down to the mat for an arm-bar hold is a good idea. Kick-boxing is a great alternative. I do like the part of baseball where you swing real hard at stuff and run and throw stuff. I also like the part of tennis where you dart back and forth swinging at things. Soccer, hockey, frisbee, and golf are completely useless.
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39. On a football team, which player body-type is the best build for surviving a zombie apocalypse?
a. The defensive linemen.
b. The cornerbacks.
c. The cheerleaders.
d. The linebackers.
e. None of these because zombies are not real.
Discussion: Linebackers are usually meatier, buffer, and balanced between strength and speed. Personality wise, they seek out collisions and like to run full speed right into the heart of a fight. Zombie apocalypse survival will require muscle, speed, intelligence, durability, and endurance, mixed together with a dash of leadership and enthusiasm. Think Ray Lewis. Think Bill Romanowski. Think the late great Junior Seau. Avoid thinking of Bobby Boucher from the Waterboy movie.
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40. On a football team, which player body-type is the best build for surviving a zombie apocalypse?
a. The offensive linemen.
b. The wide receivers.
c. The quarterbacks.
d. The fullbacks.
e. None of these because zombies are not real.
Discussion: Fullbacks may be even better than linebackers because they usually come with the added skills of being able to catch, throw, and dodge collisions. Fullbacks are also usually meatier, buffer, and balanced between strength and speed. Personality wise, they seek out collisions and like to run full speed right into the heart of a defense to see if they can bust through it. Zombie apocalypse survival will require muscle, speed, intelligence, durability, and endurance, mixed together with a dash of leadership and enthusiasm. Think Larry Csonka. Think Earl Campbell. Think Daryl “Moose” Johnston. Think Franco Harris. I will concede that there are some very impressive non-fullbacks to admire: Tony Dorsett, Barry Sanders, and Adrian Peterson for running backs, and Jason Witten, Tony Gonzales, Shannon Sharpe, and Mike Ditka for tight ends, and think Howie Long, Deacon Jones, and Bruce Smith for defensive ends. As for quarterbacks? ...Okay, I expect Tim Tebow would bring the warrior to a zombie apocalypse.
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Again, your goal is to get 100% correct. So how did you do on these questions? If you suck, don’t worry, I will keep posting remedial zombie survival articles for those of you who need to try again. Go back and read my earliest zombie apocalypse survival articles in the mean time.
I’ll pick-up the discussion of the next ten test questions in my next article.
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Govt plans for dealing with outbreaks:
http://www.fema.gov/national-continuity-programs-directorate
OPM Guidance on Pandemics:
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