Zombie Outbreak Survival: The Definitive Zombie Apocalypse Survival Test
The Answers...
In my previous two articles, you will find Parts 1 and 2 of the definitive test. Use these articles (and the next few) to check your zombie outbreak survival learning curve. In this article, I will begin discussing the correct answers, leaving you with plenty of food for thought. I’ll cover the answers to the first ten questions.
By the way, someone asked me to comment on increasing gun violence and the media and zombie video games and things like that after the recent and tragic incidents in the news. I really can't comment on those because my expertise is zombie outbreak survival. So I must focus on what I know and continue to depend on other "experts" to shape laws and public policy to help prevent tragedies like the ones that are becoming too familiar in our society. I'll venture outside my comfort zone and try to add to the discussion with an article or two about gun control after I finish what I started here, which is this definitive zombie outbreak survival test. I bet my personal opinion about gun control will surprise you if you've been reading my articles--I'll share later.
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1. Pandemic zombie outbreaks are most likely to occur during which one of the following events.
a) After an earthquake that buries lots people under tons of rubble.
b) After a pandemic viral outbreak where millions of people are killed by something like the flu.
c) After a tsunami where thousands of people are killed by drowning.
d) After a terrorist attack like a car bombing.
e) None of these because zombies are not real.
Discussion: In history, zombie outbreaks have been known to occur following natural disasters, wars (like the Civil War), and other mass casualty events. However, the greatest chance for a pandemic level global zombie outbreak, as shown by outbreak models from the CDC, WHO, Texas A&M, Harvard, and a few other lesser known research centers, is following a deadly pandemic viral outbreak, like the Spanish Flu of 1918 where just in the US, more than 200,000 people died of the Spanish Flu in October 1918 alone. A pandemic zombie outbreak needs a large number of undamaged dead people to ignite. There aren’t very many other natural or unnatural events that can possibly cause a pandemic zombie outbreak.
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2. Which category of zombies are you most likely to encounter during a zombie outbreak?
a) Stage 2 zombies, stumbling bumbling around biting anything that moves.
b) Stage 6 zombies that are not interested in infecting new people.
c) Stage 1 zombies, the highest stage that can operate machines and use weapons.
d) Stage 4 zombies that can use crude weapons and sometimes work together.
e) None of these because zombies are not real.
Discussion: Stage 2 zombies are the most common. If a stage 2 outbreak isn’t contained, it will eventually spawn mutations of the Z-virus leading to stage 3 and higher zombies.
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3. A zombie is trapped in the storm cellar of a home. What should you do?
a) Leave it there and avoid it because it will eventually die on its own.
b) Kill it in the storm cellar.
c) Keep it alive for entertainment.
d) Lead it out of the cellar and away and then kill it.
e) None of these because zombies are not real.
Discussion: The best answer is to lead it away and kill it somewhere else if you can. Zombies take a long time to expire, so unless you don’t need anything in that storm cellar, you could leave it in there. The worst option is to kill it in the cellar. When you kill a zombie, it will give off a pheromone that attracts other zombies. Killing the zombie in the cellar is going to quickly draw more zombies to that location. This is why you have to avoid killing zombies in your own backyard if you can. C is the worst choice.
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4. You see a random man in the streets swinging a sledge hammer at zombies. What should you do?
a) Nothing.
b) Shoot him because he appears to be very stupid.
c) Run out and help him because everyone deserves to live.
d) Shoot the zombies around him so he will have a better chance to survive.
e) None of these because zombies are not real.
Discussion: The best choice is to do nothing. He may take out a few zombies, but more likely, he will soon be killed by the zombies. The man is clearly stupid; he should use his sledge hammer to forge a better zombie-killing weapon than a sledge hammer. C is the worst choice.
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5. A few zombies have broken into your perimeter. What is the best weapon to use to eradicate them?
a) Kung fu throwing stars.
b) An AR-15.
c) A chainsaw.
d) Booby-traps.
e) None of these because zombies are not real.
Discussion: You should have booby-trapped your perimeter for just such an occasion. Let your bobby-traps handle the zombies in your perimeter. A pit with spikes...barbed wire...land mines...snares and other rope traps. My daughter brought up a good point... Killing zombies in your perimeter works the same as killing a zombie in your cellar—plus a land mine is surely to attract zombies too. A rope snare trap or a net that will let you drag the things away and dispose of them outside your perimeter is the best booby-trap to use. Most zombies are not capable of getting untangled from or avoiding such traps. C is the worst choice.
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6. Zombies are randomly loitering in the streets and in your way. What is the safest way to quickly deal with them so you can keep going directly to your intended target?
a. Use a dog as a decoy to lead them away.
b. Use an AK-47 to shoot them all because it is a distance weapon with excellent power.
c. Pour gas on them and set them on fire.
d. Use an M-16 because it is one-shot; one-kill.
e. None of these because zombies are not real.
Discussion: Most zombies will chase a dog or anything else that’s moving. Some zombies are even stunned by their own reflections. The only problem with using a dog is that some dogs like to run away and then run back towards you. Gunfire should be used in the open only as a last resort. It attracts more zombies. An M-16 is one-shot; one-kill on the living, not the undead. M-16s are not the best weapons for dealing with zombies. An AK-47 is better than an M-16 for zombies, but you need to save ammo and a dog decoy should work just fine. C is the worst choice.
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7. In a zombie pandemonium, who is the most valuable person to form an alliance with?
a. A man because all men are superior.
b. A survival bad-ass, because bad-asses will increase your survivability.
c. A woman, because well you know…
d. A doctor, because they know how to care for sick people and can help you find a cure.
e. None of these because zombies are not real.
Discussion: Bad-asses are invaluable in a zombie pandemonium. By the way, the Great State of Texas is known to have the highest percentage of bad-asses per capita. You may think that two bad-asses double the bad-ass effect. But studies have shown that the bad-ass effect is actually exponentially increased with the addition of more bad-asses. I personally know plenty of female bad-asses. My own mother was a total bad-ass about 20 years ago. Just be sure you side with good natured bad-asses. You will run into plenty of evil bad-asses in a zombie pandemonium event. These sorts of bad-asses are to be avoided. People often confuse a**holes for bad-asses. It’s true that some bad-asses are assholes, but not all a**holes are bad-asses. Bad-asses and a**holes have been shown to have an almost equal rate of survivability in a zombie apocalypse. Remember, there is something about a**holes that makes then resistant to almost all forms of death, natural or otherwise. While a**holes have an increased survivability, studies also show that those non-a**holes close to or around the asshole have a significantly lower survivability probability than if there were no a**holes around. In fact, multiple a**holes actually decrease the survivability of other a**holes, unlike and in contrast to the effect of multiple bad-asses.
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8. Which of the following are the best places to get training to survive a zombie apocalypse?
a. Military, Boy Scouts, ROTC programs, local community first-responders courses.
b. Med school, church, construction trades, frat house zombie parties.
c. YouTube, video games, zombie movies, Halloween events.
d. 5K zombie races, martial arts classes, boot-camp style cardio workouts.
e. None of these because zombies are not real.
Discussion: C is the worst choice.
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9. You are out of bullets. What back-up weapons should you quickly switch to?
a. A chainsaw, pruning shears, or some other gardening equipment.
b. Speed, Stealth, Distance.
c. Look around and find something to make a rudimentary lathe.
d. Your trusty hunting knife, a sword, throwing stars; anything with a sharp edge.
e. None of these because zombies are not real.
Discussion: Speed, Stealth, and Distance should be your primary weapons and your most useful back-up weapons. As you take aim and fire, even in the chaos of a zombie melee, you should still keep track of how much ammo you have and remain aware and sensitive to just when would be the right time to duck out and get away. Never let yourself get cornered. Always plan for a way out. You wouldn’t make a plan that says switch to the sword when I run out of ammo. The best plan says to use the sword as much as possible and switch to guns only as necessary to conserve ammo.
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10. One of the members of your team was bitten by a zombie in the last melee. What should you do?
a. Wait and see if she turns into a zombie.
b. Kill her now and redistribute her sh*t.
c. Chop off the part of her body with the bite.
d. Make her drink 4 gallons of salt water.
e. None of these because zombies are not real.
Discussion: B is not a bad choice, especially if you don’t have the luxury of waiting to see what happens to her. If she is a highly valuable member of your team, and you have the time, you should wait and see. Not all Z-virus infections turn the person into a zombie. Sometimes they survive with increased immunities, sometimes they just die, but most of the time they will die and reanimate as a zombie. While there is a Harvard study that says drinking four gallons of salt water will prevent you from succumbing to the Z-virus if you are bitten or contaminated by other means, it’s hardly practical to sit and ingest 4 gallons of highly salted water; this is just as likely to kill you. C is the worst choice.
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Your goal is to get 100% correct. How did you do? If you suck (you get more than 2 wrong and you didn't even hit on the second best answers), don’t worry, I will keep posting remedial zombie survival articles for those of you who need to try again. Go back and read my earliest zombie apocalypse survival articles in the mean time.
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I’ll pick-up the discussion of the next ten test questions in my next article.
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