Zombie Apocalypse Survival Aphorisms

In my last article, I submitted to you my take, my two cents on the gun control debate. It was good having a chance to express my ideas about gun control and the President’s proposals and I hope and suspect you thought it was good to read what I thought. I may write more about gun control later...okay, you talked me into it. I’ll definitely write more about gun control in one of my next few articles.

I’m writing this article as I watch the CNN coverage of the gun battle between the police and ex-Navy Lieutenant Christopher Dorner. Man!!! Watching this coverage on TV is tough. This guy had some serious mental problems and terrorized people and law enforcement in California for a week or more. I’m saddened that this all happened and still glad it’s resolved without many many more victims. And while I’m glad it’s over, there is no real sense of victory, only sadness for any party in this whole drawn out situation.

This week my heart goes out to the victims of this tragedy, Dorner’s family, and to the family of the victims and the family of the perpetrator of the murder of ex-Navy Seal sniper Chris Kyle, who was memorialized this week in my home state of Texas (Arlington at Cowboy Stadium—I could not attend). All this has been emotional for me.

And…yes, Dorner kind of looks like me, as a so-called friend of mine pointed out.

I have to write this zombie survival article, but really I just want to take a break from all the violence. But there is no rest for heroes. I have to keep writing.

While gun control and the craziness of the non-zombie apocalyptic world are diversions, albeit unpleasant diversions from the real issue in my heart, the coming zombie apocalypse, when the fecal matter impacts the rotating aerial oscillator, I do need to stay prioritized about the most pressing threats to America and the world and stay on topic about what will help save your bacon and mine in a zombie apocalypse. Like we zombie apocalypse survivors like to say, “You can’t survive a zombie apocalypse if you’re dead.” So let’s cover a few things that will increase your chances of not being dead in a zombie apocalypse.

In this article I’ll cover once again a listing of zombie apocalypse survival tips (Rules – Dos and Don’ts – Aphorisms – Tenets – Proverbs – Axioms – Myths – Facts and Fiction).

By the way, I just changed the channel to National Geographic’s Doomsday Preppers. I said it before, if you want to see what not to do in preparing for the impending zombie apocalypse or any potential extinction level event or any other major social calamity, then watch this show. Disclaimer: I have not watched all episodes, but in the episodes I have seen, the Preppers are absolutely stupid.

The people they are showing tonight are planning to survive a financial apocalypse. WTF!?!?

Look… There is no such thing as a financial apocalypse! If you think the all mighty dollar will drop to zero value and that will trigger social collapse and total meltdown, then you’re looking up to the idiots! Pandemic viral meltdown is a most real potential. Financial meltdown is some redneck’s rationalization for brewing more moonshine, which is not a bad idea in any given apocalyptic situation. It’s just that a financial meltdown is low on the apocalyptic potential scale.

Here are just some of my zombie apocalypse survival aphorisms in no certain order… So, let’s rock and roll!

Zombies do not make good pets; don’t play with your zombie.
Zombies cannot be cured.
Zombies do not have emotions.
Zombies can tell the difference between dead and pretend dead.
Zombies don’t kill people and take their shit; people kill people and take their shit.
Zombies are not the worst thing to worry about in a zombie apocalypse; roving bands of assholes are.
Shoot first and ask questions later.
When in doubt shoot it out.
The zombie apocalypse survival Golden Rule: He who shoots the first and the most, usually gets to make the rules.
Be prepared for assholes, God made a whole lot of them and they seem to have the most phenomenal immunities to the shittiest situations.
Don’t be afraid of heights, be afraid of falling.
The happiest people in a zombie apocalypse are the ones with the most extremely radically lowest expectations.
The thing you are looking for will always be found in the last place you look.
Surviving a zombie apocalypse is tough, but it’s tougher if you’re stupid.
Always try to partner with people who have more to lose than you.
Don’t take a zombie bite for anyone.
Treat stupid people like zombies and shoot them before they shoot you or do something stupid to get you killed. Clarification: If the person is not smarter than a zombie, then shoot them quickly and end it fast or even better, use them for zombie bait. Strap explosives to them and when zombies chase and catch them and start eating them, you can blow them all up together.
If you run out of weapons and ammo, or bad-ass friends with weapons and ammo, your chances of surviving are significantly decreased. Without weapons and ammo and bad-ass friends, it's only a matter of time before you will be forced to give up your shit (shelter, food, water, women, children, your life). Dealing with assholes is the greatest danger and threat to you and your family in any zombie outbreak pandemic situation.
The ultimate sign of genius is the uncanny ability to adequately plan for bad luck.
In poker, a 9mm beats 4 aces.
I complained because I had no shoes until I met a man who had no feet.
I complained because I had no shoes until I met a zombie who had no shoes.
I complained because I had no shoes until I met a zombie who had no feet.
I complained because I had no shoes until I met a zombie who had shoes.
Uncommon valor is not a common virtue.
There is hardly any limit to what a couple of pretty girls can get an idiot to do.
Treat stupid people like zombies, and atheists too.
Being a bad-ass is always secondary to having a lot of bad-ass friends.
Stupidity has an exponential magnification rate. Two stupid people working together is not just one stupid plus one stupid equals two stupidity, it’s more like 2 X 2 stupidity, and three stupid people working together is more like 3 X 3 X 3 stupidity. You must endeavor to limit the effect of the stupid people around you, in your company, in your community. Don’t let them coagulate.
Don’t let a few assholes ruin things for you.
Your ability to get bad-asses to help you survive will be directly proportional to your good looks and sex appeal. Secondary to good looks and sex appeal are intelligence and handiness. If you ain’t got the looks or the brains, then you’re probably on your own. Survival of the good looking; that’s just Darwinism, man.
In a group setting always ignore the loudest most vocal “bully” in the group. This is the most obvious road to ruin. The best ideas are not correlated with decibels.
Measure twice; cut once… unless it’s a zombie, then don’t be a fool and try to measure; just start cutting over and over again and pray to God you get it right one of those times.
Pandemic zombie outbreaks are most likely to piggy-back pandemic viral outbreaks.

If anything I wrote above seems odd to you, then you need to read my previous articles for clarification.

Zombies: Did-You-Know?

Did you know a Texas A&M study found that zombies were affected by the moon much like ocean tides? It is a bizarre proposal that zombies tend to follow the moon. Scientists saw that as the Moon rises in the east, zombies moved in that direction at sunset and then as the Moon rose, zombies began moving east. As the Moon arcs across the night sky from east to west, zombies tended to follow the moon. Texas A&M’s Health Sciences Labs theorized this was due to the visual prominence of the moon in the night sky. If zombies were affected by large visually prominent sky features, then likewise zombies would tend to follow the sun across the day time sky.

Doctor M. Hafaz of Texas A&M’s Health Sciences Laboratories studied this and correctly proposed a connection to tidal forces in 1982 after concluding zombie movements were anything but chaotic and random. In fact, she later demonstrated that certain zombie actions were entirely predictable and routine. Zombies in the lab were shown to move in correlation to the moon in a room where the moon and sky could not be seen. This helped prove the facts. Similarly, a noted effect was observed with relation to the movement of the sun in the same trials.

While it is true that the sun also exerts a tidal influence on the earth, the moon’s gravitational influence is much more significant than that of the sun. Dr. Hafaz looked at this to discover if the effect was consistent and predictable. The sun is about 400 times as far away from the Earth as the Moon, its force on the earth is 200 times that of the moon. But tidal effect is a factor of the differential gravities of the sun versus the moon plus or minus the relational difference in the earth’s own gravity between the two. The sun’s tidal influence is about half of the moon’s. High tides coincide with the movement of the moon and the sun and the highest high tides actually occur when both the moon and the sun are collocated in the closest angular proximity in the same sky. Zombie movements similarly coincide with these two gravitational influences.

While zombies are predictably visually stimulated to move, zombies are also known to be influenced to move by other external stimuli. So, in planning your zombie apocalypse survival, you need to have some respect for what the sun and the moon are doing to the roaming hordes of zombies in the apocalyptic landscape. As the sun rises in the east, you can expect to find zombies tending to move east. Furthermore, this information speaks to “tendencies” in the absence of other stimulation. There are plenty of zombie studies that prove this, but in reality the zombie apocalypse landscape should be full of other zombie stimulations: screaming people, gun shots, crashing cars, explosions, other moaning groaning stumbling bumbling zombies, rain, howling winds, thunder and lightning, roaring flames from burning buildings, chainsaws, gravity, and plenty of other stuff like that, not to mention the fact that zombies are also stimulated by smells and, remember this: brain waves and bio-electromagnetic fields, as I explained in previous articles.

This is important to know. In a zombie apocalypse you can expect zombie hordes to drift in direct correlation to the movement of major gravitational objects across the heavenly sky. How this information might be used to increase your survival is still being researched today.