Today I found myself a little unsettled. To be truly honest, I was losing hope. Life is this: family, friends, school, work, more family, more friends, and on and on. The circle of life never ends and what for? Isn’t that the question we all ask sometimes? What is this all for anyway? Is there a point to this whole thing? And if so, then what?
You finish school and then you have to work, maybe get your own family, raise one, deal with so many joys and heartaches, because you know that joy you feel now won’t last long. Any day now that loved one can be taken away from you. Any day now you could be gone. What’s the point?
I then got in the drive-thru lane for Inn-N-Out and listened to “Storm” by Lifehouse, and bam, there it was. Hope was back. The reason to be alive and live and do all of this incredibly tiresome routine at times- the reason made sense now, again. Sometimes we lose sight. So what?
The routine is not enough, not even a purpose will do. What’s my purpose? To help others in a way, and then what though? To what end will that be promising? That’s it? If that is it, there is no way I’m standing here today. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but life is hard. Sometimes it’s fun, but mostly it’s hard. Life sucks the life out of you. I know what I sound like, but you know it’s true. Sometimes you don’t even know if you’re alive or if you’re in this big, giant universal joke. Like this isn’t what’s supposed to happen and you’re not supposed to be going through all of this craziness.
They tell you that this life stuff makes you stronger. Well, frankly, I couldn’t care less. What’s after stronger? Is it to serve another purpose? If yes, then why? Why go through all of this motion? To be what, to do what, to be who? Really? This is it?
And there it was: “How long have I been in this storm, so overwhelmed by the ocean’s shapeless form? Water’s getting harder to tread, with these waves crashing over my head. If I could just see you, everything will be alright. If I’d see you, this darkness will turn to light. And I will walk on water, and you will catch me if I fall. And I will get lost into your eyes, and everything will be alright, and everything will be alright. I know you didn’t bring me out here to drown. So why am I ten feet under and upside down? Barely surviving has become my purpose, cause I’m so used to living underneath the surface. If I could just see you, everything will be alright. If I see you, this darkness will turn to light. And I will walk on water and you will catch me if I fall. And I will get lost into your eyes, and everything will be alright. And I will walk on water, and you will catch me if I fall. And I will get lost into your eyes and everything will be alright. I know everything is alright. Everything’s alright.”
And there you have it. That’s my song, literally. Well, metaphorical storms and such, but you get the gist. And then out of the pure joy of resting in knowing that everything would be alright came this doubt. The doubt said what if it won’t be alright. The doubt said what if what I was feeling was bogus and had no substance, and what if it was all a lie?
And that’s when I turned it off, and went back to becoming a child again. You see, I read somewhere in the Bible, and I saw somewhere in the “Jesus” movies where Jesus said unless we have a childlike heart, it’s impossible to come to His kingdom. Do you know what that means? I thought I did. But I didn’t. It’s when you become an adult that you truly understand this.
You question everything. You analyze your own shadow, because first of all, it’s human nature, and secondly, you’ve been taught to. The fear that you might be deemed foolish or stupid keeps you from accepting some things just the way they are. You have to know why? And so do I.
So, I just let go. Some things are to be rested in, and are to be cherished just the way they are. My questioning had to stop tonight… not about this, and not now. See, you have to accept what you don’t understand sometimes in order to understand life. It’s not all handed to you on a silver platter and it’s not a questioning game 24/7 either. It’s life. That’s all.
A healthy child doesn’t question life, isn’t afraid of not being sheltered, or being left hungry, or uncared for. These are the basics of a child’s wants and needs, but in the hands of the right person/s, the child feels safe, secure, and just trusts, and just loves, and just forgives, and just forgets, and just does. The child lives, no questions asked. There is nothing more alive, more absolute, and more real than that joy that that child carries. It’s disgusting and it makes us jealous. And you definitely desire to be a child again. But you don’t have to.
Turn the questioning off, lift your head up, and be free… like a child.