You're out of order: when adopted kids arrive out of birth order

Bektu, age 13, arrived only 11 months ago,
and now shares a room with Ginny, her 12
year old sister, in the home since age 2.

While many agencies and social workers warn against it, for some families it's the right fit.

In the world of adoption, adopting out of birth order is often frowned upon. Adopting out of birth order is the practice of adding children who are older than other children already in the home. Some agencies have outright policies against it, while others remain more flexible and base placements on the individual family situation.

For some families, this sort of placement may be just right. It comes down to the families level of preparedness for potential issues, the individual personalities of the children already in the home, and the children newly arriving. In many cases, it's a calculated risk. Sometimes, mere size of the family can help absorb a disruption in birth order. With four or more kids already in the home, the placement may be less noticeable as compared to just one or two children. Again, families willing to adopt older children, and properly prepared for the risks, should discuss options like this with their social worker and agency. 

It's best to remember that there is no real way to prepare for what will happen. Your children already in the home may think they understand the situation, just like you, but until that new child or children enter your home, you won't know what to exactly expect. As with any adoption, make sure to clear your calendar so you have nothing but time to devote to all the kids in the family. As issues arise, discuss them openly as a family as best you can. And don't forget your local resources. Stay in close contact with your social worker and make sure you know where to go for other specialized help, if necessary, such as therapists that specialize in adoption issues, bonding, attachment and building trust. In Spokane, there are several agencies that offer adoptive counseling:

• Spokane Consultants in Family Living
• Lutheran Community Services
• Children's Home Society of Washington

There's not a tremendous amount of writing available online regarding this topic, but there are plenty of families with experience. You can google "adoption out of birth order" and find several blogs on the topic, as well as some adoption discussion forums. Check out this piece featured in Adoptive Families Magazine by adoption veteran Lois Melina, called When Parent Adopt Out Of Order. You can get a subscription to Adoptive Families Magazine, which is an excellent resource for adoptive families by clicking here.