One of the things that I really get tired of hearing, are negative references that mothers make about the father of their child, not only to others, but to the child (directly or indirectly). He was alright when you were lying up with him. You were alright when you were benefiting from the drug money. You were alright with his hanging out with the fellas every weekend, or just coming in all hours of the night. You were also alright with the fact that he had no diploma, no marketable employment skills, and as a matter of fact, no desire to do anything with you; always peeling off and telling you to go ahead and enjoy yourself with your girlfriends. Everything that you accepted before getting pregnant is now the condition that you place upon the child.
You were aware of all of these things when you started dealing with him, yet continued to place yourself in a position that brought about a child. I told my first wife that I was a bum when she met me, yet she continued to care for and love me anyway. She told me that she saw the ambition that I had and only tried to be encouraging, hoping that I would do better for myself; after all I had the potential. That was beautiful, just not reality based thinking. You cannot expect that because you get pregnant, a man is going to make the shift from, hustler, thug, or just downright irresponsible, to dad. That comes over time and when a person is ready and willing. There is nothing that you can make happen because there is a child now. This has been his way of living before you, and will be as such after you, unless he decides that he wants to do so. After you get pregnant is not the time to begin confronting this issue. The time to do this comes before or during the first date, kisses…grinds…ultimately sex.
Because you missed that memo, you want to begin to wage a campaign against the man who you knew was not ready when you met him. You want to hate him. You want to make him your enemy, an enemy to your and his family, but most importantly…to his child. Now the child bears increased hate due to your insightful, but influential remarks. He does not need your help in hurting the child; his absence has already done that. How many times did you disclose to the child your own conduct for this situation to exist? When do you take responsibility and bridge the gap between him and his child? After you establish a hate campaign is not the time, and often times the hate campaign comes first! After that, the damage is done, and unless you take an immediate approach that includes self-disclosure of your stuff and defend the father, it will be too late. Absence hurts, and is long-lasting.
The fact of the matter is, until you revisit where things really went wrong in the “decision” to start that relationship between you and the father, and begin to have dialogue to those facts, and take ownership for your part, the child’s hate will continue to grow; ultimately being transferred to their own child and relations with the father of their child, keeping the cycle alive.
This hate is also transferred to the new man aka: Step Parent!
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