Of course the absolute biggest, brightest match of the night must go to John Cena's knockdown, drag out, good ol' fashioned slobberknocker (TM & © Good ol' J.R.) with The Beast, The Monster, The Reaper of Men, The Man Who Ended the Streak, Brock Lesnar.
Anyone who's familiar with Lesnar's particularly vicious UFC-inspired brawler style probably won't be surprised to hear there wasn't very much actual wrestling this fight. What happened instead was two powerhouses colliding into one another over the course of a half an hour. Cena decides to set the tone early by charging Lesnar right out the gate, hammering him with big stiff punches. Going toe-to-toe with someone is Brock's forte, though and it isn't long before the Beast returns some devastating shots of his own. Within 30 seconds of the fight Lesnar has already pulled Cena into an F5 that literally rocks the ring. He goes for the pin and gets a solid 2.5-count for his efforts. Remarkably, it looks like the wind has already been taken out of the Champ's sails.
"That was your chance, John!" a domineering Lesnar roars, standing over his downed opponent. "I'll kill you!" Lesnar drags a practically lucid Cena to his feet, then tosses him halfway across the ring with a psychotic looking german suplex.
Followed by another. And another. And another. And another.
... and another, and another, and...
There's an almost uncomfortable lull during the middle of this match, one of Lesnar repeatedly tossing John Cena around like a ragdoll. Accentuated at points by one lone voice from the crowd, an enthusiastic young male member of the Cenation repeatedly chanting, "Let's go, Cena." Lesnar pulls Cena up for an Nth suplex, only to have the Cenation Commander-in-Chief rally back. He elbows Brock then whips off the ropes for a series of stiff forearms, ones that hobble Lesnar, sending him to one knee. Lesnar goes for another F5 but Cena reverses, turning it into a big AA.
Brock down on the mat, Cena uses the moment to rest and regain his bearings. However, in no time Lesnar sits bolt upright, mock Undertaker style and grins at the downed Champ. Lesnar is on Cena again, putting him through another series of German suplexes. Lesnar growls at the referee, demanding he call the match. However, the innovator of the "Never Give Up!" battle cry outright refuses to submit, instead tripping Brock up for a last ditch STF for a submission win. Lesnar powers out, then ground and pounds Cena. Another big F5 later and he rolls Cena up for the 1-2-3.
Stick a fork in him, Cena is done. For anyone keeping tally, it took 16 downright brutal looking German suplexes, 2 F5's and a plethora of punches, kicks and knees to put the champ down for the count. "You're a conqueror!" Paul Heyman says to the triumphant Lesnar. "And you've conquered the WWE Universe." Heyman is right. There's an unmistakable gulf between the level of John Cena and his next, most credible opponent in the WWE pantheon. That being the case, if Lesnar just absolutely mudhole stomped Cena tonight then, pray tell, what man is there left in the WWE who can stand against him? One shudders to think.
Can't Cross the Boss
This much hyped bout between WWE matriarch, Stephanie and one half of the Bella Twins, Brie has seen plenty of build-up before tonight's match. In a series of now infamous slaps, first Stephanie slaps Brie, leading the Bella to press charges and have the boss lady arrested. Then Brie slaps Megan Miller, her husband's personal trainer and alleged fling partner, landing her a jail sentence of her own. Then Alberto Del Rio makes it a trifecta by slapping a creative director for alleged backstage racist remarks and... err... well, that's a whole other matter entirely.
Mrs. McMahon-Levesque, although she hasn't seen the inside of a WWE ring, competitive-wise, in over 10 years, looks to have barely lost a step. She gets in and moshes it up with Brie. Brie drops her with a couple armdrags. Steph retaliates, and maneuvers her over to the corner turnbuckle for some payback. Steph pulls off a really big DDT that puts the crowd on their feet.
Looking to finish Brie off she goes for the Pedigree but Brie reverses into the Yes-lock. Before Steph can tap Triple-H interferes, pulling the referee out of the ring by his feet. Brie hones in on him and floors the Game with a missile dropkick through the ropes. She stands over him defiantly, leading the crowd in a signature "Yes!" chant. Her sister Nikki comes to the ring and gets all up in Stephanie's face. Brie joins her sis and, just when it looks like the two are about to exact some much-deserved justice on the power abusing 'Authority' figure, Nikki shows her true colors by bashing her own sister to the mat. Steph capitalizes on the sneak attack, Pedigree'ing Brie and taking the win. A shocking turn for Nikki, one that'll no doubt have reverberations through her relationship with Brie for months to come.
The Cold War heats up again
In Jack Swagger and Rusev's bout for national pride, the two behemoths slugged it out for their respective homelands, in a U.S. vs. Russia angle that someone must've stolen from a 1980's era playbook. Even more than their nation's pride being on the line, the winner of this "Flag Match" would have his country's flag displayed while their national anthem played upon winning. While the Swag-man fought bravely and boldly for old glory, in the end the day would go to the pride of the Russian Bear, Rusev the Terrible.
Believe. In. Seth.
After his controversial chair shot heard 'round the world, one that effectively brought to an end one of the most dominating groups the WWE has seen in years, the Shield, Seth Rollins has had a target painted on his back ever since from his former teammates. Since Roman Reigns is pre-occupied in a bitter ongoing feud with Randy Orton, this leaves it up to Dean Ambrose to redeem his former group's honor by taking down the wayward Rollins. He attempts that tonight, facing Rollins in a much touted Lumberjack match. Sure, Ambrose gets in plenty of good shots, opening up with a salvo of punches and stomping Rollins down in the corner. He practically feeds Rollins to the bloodthirsty lumberjacks waiting outside to take a piece out of either man should they attempt to leave the ring.
At one point both men do the improbable and escape the 20-man collective, letting their fight spill into the stands. The two brawl up the stairs, in a fittingly "Bizarro-world" reversal of how the pair might have been seen, only months previous, entering the ring as compadres.
Corporate Kane comes out, demanding the lumberjacks do their jobs and start cutting some wood, dammit. I.E.: Get these two back in the ring, pronto. Back in the ring Ambrose gives Rollins a taste of his own Curb Stomp finisher and goes for the pin. The Devil's Favorite Corporate Lackey breaks up the pin. Goldust takes exception and confronts him about it, resulting in him getting a smack across the gob for it. All hell breaks loose and the lumberjacks invade the ring, making the match look more like a Battle Royal.
In all the chaos Rollins manages to clobber Ambrose with his MITB briefcase, taking the win.
In other, more positive news, his compatriot Reigns comes away with a solid victory over Randy Orton. Reigns appears well on his way to being one of the top guys in the WWE. Could he be next in line to be fed to the human wood chipper known as Brock Lesnar?
Time will tell.
Other results from WWE SummerSlam 2014, courtesy WWE.com:
Bray Wyatt vs.
Winner: Bray Wyatt
Women's Title Bout
(WWE Divas Champion)AJ Lee vs.
Intercontinental Championship Bout
Dolph Ziggler vs.
(Intercontinental Champion) The Miz
Winner: Dolph Ziggler
Rob Van Dam vs.
Winner: Rob Van Dam
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