For the first match-up of tonight’s show it’s U.S. Champion, Antonio Cesaro taking on The Miz, and…
…
Who am I kidding? I know what you all came here to read about. You wanna know what went down between CM Punk and the Rock? Did the Second City Champion pull out the win or was Punk forced to Smellllalalalowww…. What the Rock was cookin’?
Layeth the Smacketh Down
Easily the highest profile match of the night, this one starts off with Punk doing a little flexing, holding up the World title in the Rock’s face, just to remind him who the new top dog is in the WWE. The match kicks off with the pair exchanging big blows. Punk backs Rocky into a corner and gets in a number of good shots. The People’s Champ retaliates with a hard clothesline. He goes for the Rock Bottom but Punk wiggles out. Rock gets off another hard clothesline, sending Punk outside the ring.
Punk’s manager/right-hand man Paul Heyman manages to get in a shot of his own on Rocky while the ref isn’t looking. Both Punk and Heyman are careful to target Rock’s ribs, the same ones injured last week by an attack from the Shield.
Back in the ring Punk gets off a nasty dropkick on Rock, knocking him off the apron. Something must’ve gone wrong in the execution, though, because Punk starts hopping on his left leg. Yes, the same one injured by Ryback a short while ago. Despite this Punk does his running dive through the ropes, knocking the Great One back to the floor.
After a series of reversals Rock sizes up Punk for the Rock Bottom. Punk elbows his way out and goes for his own GTS. Rock downs him then slaps on the sharpshooter in the center of the ring. Punk gets out, reversing the hold into his own Anaconda vise. Rock reverses this, flipping Punk for a 2-count.
Punk goes to the outside, Rock hot on his tail. The Brahma Bull tramples Punk with a hard clothesline. The action moves over to the Spanish announce table, where it looks like he’ll attempt the Rock Bottom. Punk gives him a hard kick instead, then motions for his own GTS. Before either of the two can do anything the table gives under both their weights.
The two struggle to their feet and stagger back into the ring. Punk gets off another big roundhouse kick, connecting with Rock’s head. The two exchange big shots, the Rock getting the upper hand and finishing things with a spinebuster. Rocky sets up a big People’s Elbow. Before he can get it off, though, all the lights in the arena go dark.
When they come back on the Rock is out cold, having been put through the announce table from a vicious 3-man powerbomb at the hands of the Shield. Never one to let a good crisis go to waste, Punk drags Rock back in the ring and—after denying having anything to do with the attack—pins the Rock.
But what’s this. Vinnie Mac’s music hits and the Chairman himself strides to the ring. He reminds Punk of his “No Shield interference” stipulation and says he’s going to strip Punk of the title. Rock says he wants to restart the match instead. “You don’t take it from him. I am.” McMahon agrees so the whole shebang starts all over again. Punk opens with his trademark corner high knee, segueing into a Macho elbow from the turnbuckle. He goes for the pin but only gets a 2-count. Punk attempts the GTS but rock counters with another big spinebuster, leading into a People’s Elbow heard ‘round the world. The big elbow to the chest is enough to finish Punk off for good, making Rock the new official WWE Champion. It also brings to a close Punk’s epic 434 day reign as champion, the 6th longest reign in WWE history.
Thirty Men Enter, Twenty-Nine Men Leave
The other big match of the night, the one that the whole PPV was named for, the ‘Royal Rumble’ ended with a big finish that’s going to have fans buzzing for quite some time. The Rumble kicks off with the Showoff, Dolph Ziggler coming out first. Mr. Money-in-the-Bank’s shine evaporates in an instant when his first competitor’s music hits. His “Break the Walls” intro electrifies the crowd, and then out comes who else but Chris Jericho.
If you’ll recall the last time these two met was at SummerSlam, where Ziggler was the man who served Jericho a crushing defeat just before his hiatus. These two mens’ bad blood immediately boiled over upon seeing one another again. The two brawling superstars were soon joined by Cody Rhodes, Kofi Kingston and Santino, followed by Drew McIntyre. Shortly after, Santino is the first man to go after getting ganged up on by everyone else.
Next comes Titus O’Neil and—hey, here’s a blast from the past—Goldust. Looks like a little sibling rivalry comes into play as Cody and ‘Dust kick up a little of it with one another. David Otunga is 9th man in, followed by Heath Slater, then Sheamus. The big Irish Hooligan goes on a rampaging, putting out Titus O’Neil and Otunga. Tensai comes out next, followed by Brodus Clay. And what would the Funkasaurus be without his Funkadactyls, and they come out too. I mean, I know that’s his schtick and all but isn’t it a little strange for them to come out now. Considering they won’t exactly be able to hang out at ringside anyway.
I’m starting to think that whole “only living Funkasaurus in captivity” thing isn’t just idle chatter. Could Naomi and Cameron be his handlers as well. Y'know, just in case he breaks his soul chains and goes on a funk rampage. People in the first two rows alone would instantly be covered in Peace and Chicken Grease, my nizlets. A tragedy of epicly jive proportions, dig?
Think of the children, people. Think of the children.
Click here for more info on WWE's Royal Rumble 2013, including which star stormed the ring and won it all.
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