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Would aliens play golf in Chicago?

There are 3 aliens around a golf course.
There are 3 aliens around a golf course.
© 2014 Vernon Brookins

Barlowe’s Guide to Extraterrestrials lists Abyormenites, Athsheans, Chulpex, Cryers, Dirdir, Riim, Ruml, Thrint, Velantians, etc. (Barlowe’s guide illustrates 50 extraterrestrials.) Many aliens resemble Earth animals, amphibians and insects; however, some extraterrestrials are “very alien” like the Garnishess, the Ixchel, the Ixtl, Old Galactics, Polarians, Puppeteers, Solaris, the Tripeds, the Tyreeans and the Uchjinians. Would any of these aliens play golf in Chicago? (All conversations translated into American English.)

Columbus Park Golf Course has unexpected visitors. “It is impossible to swing this human, metallic stick while in residence in our life-support tanks!” Vxll the Sirian complains. “Fur sure . . . I know you are out there somewhere, Vxll, but your green ruff blends with this green, recreational expanse,” Tziz the Sirian replies.

Here is a possible but highly improbable scenario at Forest Preserve Golf Course’s, most difficult course. “Please stand on your head, Hghot, so I can place this human golf bag between your three legs while I accurately calculate the distance to the waving stick at Dunne’s, sixth hole,” Ffyth the Triped requests. Hghot complies.

Rgit, the Cygnan Astrogator/Recreational Director observes Earth through his Zoomtube from Jupiter’s orbit. “Disregard all Chicago-land golf courses. In fact, disregard all Earth golf courses!” He declares to his entire, space-borne race.

Breezes at Sydney R. Marovitz Golf Course caress strange bodies. “Do you see the emanations from the massive, hydrogen-oxygen accumulation (Lake Michigan)?” Oolt the Cygnostik querulously sings. “Please do not irritate me further. I must devour this peach and this Chicago Style Hot Dog before further conversation will be possible,” Zot the Cygnostik melodically replies.

The three Uchjinians rapidly cover (like greased, Jupiternian lightning) the three, golf club blades of three, Chicagoan golfers at a par four, Indian Boundary Golf Course hole. As Gregory’s club contacts his golf ball, the business end shatters into 20, hexagonal pieces. When Nick’s, iron blade is within 10 millimeters of his golf ball, he is propelled into a nearby tree; however, the golf club completes the stroke, propelling his ball down the fairway’s middle. Ulysses’ club produces a stasis field as it contacts the golf ball; however, Ulysses scores a hole-in-one because his Uchjinian puts him into the putting green’s hole. (The hole mysteriously widens to accommodate his girth.)

Aliens would probably play Chicago’s golf courses if they could swing golf clubs free of any encumbrances. Aliens would not play Chicago’s golf courses or Earth golf courses if they are uninterested in alien cultures. Exotic aliens would cause havoc on Chicago-land golf courses, far out, dude.

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