World War Breakfast is in full force. Shots fired by Starbucks in 2013 and their subsequent encroachment on the fast breakfast market has raised a middle finger to the normal rules of engagement. McDonald’s, Burger King, and Yum! (namely Taco Bell) are now out for blood.
Dollar burritos, two-for-ones, and free “100% arabica” coffee (alongside their 100% beef) have been the (so far impotent) weapons of choice. Taco Bell is often criticized by the U.N. as an eco-terrorist for the collateral nausea of their already inhumane sour cream splatter fire. With the smell of defeat wafting stronger from behind the counter, Taco Bell is drawing at straws: waffle tacos and subbing their sour cream for sour creamy cheese goop filled Cinnabon balls.
It seems it’s own troops can sense the desperation. (see image)
But coverage of these overdramatic skirmishes have taken credit away from the true breakfast superpower. The breakfast school of hard knocks’ original gangster. The sausage Mr. Miyagi that’s been taking breakfast to the streets since the 60’s. The bacon and eggs upon a hill. The restaurant chain that walks softly but carries a big breakfast menu served all day: Jack in the Box.
The McDonald’s nanny state strictly stops breakfast at 10:30am whether you're water just broke or you’re celebrating the 1st birthday of McMuffin, your first born food baby. Now Taco Bell serves breakfast until 11:00 because they want you to think they’re the “cool one.”. But is that a victory?
No! It’s appeasement at it’s worse. Taco Bell’s looser rules are trying to ease us into tyranny with a smile and wink that lets us know they have our best interests in mind. But we will not go softly into that dark morning.
Jack in the Box is one of the last champions of American freedom and bravery. The freedom to, at any time of day or night, have a sausage croissant with a taco and not have the taco be made out of a waffle, especially one thats still cold in the middle. The bravery to stick firmly to the free market breakfast principles upon which this breakfast nation was founded.
Of course McCarthy was an asshole, but maybe he was just meant for another time. A time where the philosophy of breakfast justice is being ripped apart at the hands of corruption and fear. A time where breakfast is no longer a right but a privilege of the few hungry elite in the four small hours between 7 and 11am. A time like now.
Whether or not it will be necessary to arrest and interrogate possible breakfa-socialist sympathizers is still unclear. Whether or not Taco Bell CEO Greg Creed wipes his ass with the bill of rights literally as well as figuratively is still pending a full investigation. But one thing is clear. World War Breakfast won’t be over until either freedom or tyranny has made a complete victory. As bystanders, a watchful, paranoid, and appropriately fearful attitude towards all new breakfast subversion is necessary and responsible.
It is our responsibility as breakfast citizens to enjoy all 13 of Jack in the Box’s breakfast sandwiches all day long and pair them with non-breakfast freedom jalapeno poppers, seasoned curly fries, and oreo milkshakes. Anyone who doesn’t should be treated with suspicion and extreme prejudice.
Especially those that refuse to recite the pledge of allegiance or take advantage of Jack in the Box’s 2 for $3.50 Breakfast Croissants (at participating locations). Reminder: they’re served all day!