A couple of years ago, a reader asked, "Why do women change after they get married?" To clarify he added, "Is it possible that a woman can become a completely different person after marriage? Not just changing what she used to do, but completely expressing different values and ideals?"
The answer is: yes! It is possible for many reasons. First, life happens and people change. Secondly, often people do not fully show who they are until they get comfortable. Thirdly, some people do not change, you just don’t pay attention. Finally, some women hide who they really are.
Let’s call it, putting on the "get the ring mask." Every woman does not put on airs to get the ring. However, some put on masks to get it. As little girls, they are taught what men look for in wives, and to become those things to a fault when trying to land a husband. So in turn, they cover up their cores to snag the man.
If you have ever read The Good Wife’s Guide, it is the outline for the mask that many women wear, while being completely someone else underneath. Although the old version is very Jackie O, the new version is Jackie O plus gentleman’s club worker. Some women now paint the picture of the perfect woman in order to get the guy to pop the question.
Have Dinner Ready.
Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready on time for his return. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thining about him and are concernd about his needs. Most men are hungry when they get home and the prospect of a good meal is part of the warm welcome needed.
Prepare Yourself.
Take 15 mintues to rest so you'll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people.
Be a litte 'gay' and a little more interested for him.
His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.
Clear away the clutter.
Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives. Run a dust cloth over the tables.
During the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by.
Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too. After all, catering to his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.
Minimize all noise.
At the time of his arrival, eliminate all the noise of the washer, dryer or vacuum. Encourage the children to be quiet.
Be happy to see him.
Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him.
Listen to him.
You may have a dozen importan things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first-remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours.
Don't greet him with Complaints and problems.
Don't complain if he's late for dinner or even if he stays out all night. Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through at work.
Make him comforatable.
Have him lean back in a comfartable chair or lie him down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him.
Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes.
Speak in a low., soothing and pleasant voice.
Don't ask him questions about his actions or question his judgment or integrity.
Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question him.
A good wife always knows her place.
Granted there are women who will swear by The Good Wife's Guide, but many from the past got by on loads of Valium and glasses of vodka, or the "vitamins" Dr. Feelgood provided to Jackie O. What woman, you know, would be truly happy and sane doing all of the things required of a "good wife," according to that guide?
However, many try just to get a man to marry them. The truth is, it is easy to get a ring from a man. People think it is difficult, but it is not. This is the formula: Ask him what he wants. Be what he wants.
See?! Easy. (Just kidding men!) Seriously, men want different things. At the core, most men want attraction, support, and stability. That's it. It is as simple as that. So if he's attracted to you, you've won half the battle. But the tricky part lies in the other two, and this is where some women slide on the mask.
INTIMACY
How many men complain that women, who were extremely open as girlfriends, lock it up as wives? There have been dozens of emails to this column about the subject of women using sex as a weapon or no longer providing intimacy. Guys complain about how their wives have shut down intimately, but were swinging from poles and chandeliers when they dated.
The issue is that a lot of women have been taught that the bedroom is the way to get a man. They aren't being all free and experimental because they want to (well some are…), but to lock you down. Once the lock is in place, and they hold the key, these women no longer have to do those things anymore.
In one reader's case, his wife shut down physically because she had some abuse in her past that she had not worked through. The reader did not bother to focus on that. He merely focused on the fact that he wasn't getting it like he used to while they dated
Gentlemen, you have to be diligent in getting to the core of who a woman is, and not just inside of her. With a lot of you, your focus is often very off. You're so keen on getting her draws, that you do not see what type of soul she has first. This is a very bad move.
SUPPORT
A guy can have the weirdest, most ridiculous pipe dream on the planet. But if the woman's focus is getting the ring, she will support it like it is nobody's business. Or it could just be an interest that the guy has. For instance men, say you are interested in flag football.
Flag football is not going to get you anywhere, but it is part of you living out your dream. While you're dating/courting, that woman with the mask will pretend as though flag football is the be all and end all to her as much as it is to you. She will show up at games, fix the team water bottles and after game snacks, and wash everyone's jerseys.
Now, what a man who is not paying attention will miss is that she does not want to do any of these things. She told you when you first met that she hated sports and everything about them. But what usually happens is, a guy loses sight of what the woman told him, and only pays attention to what she does. Big mistake.
Women lie with their actions, men lie with their words. Just because Suzy homemaker is washing dirty draws and hanging up football uniforms, does not mean she's supportive and on the level. After you say "I do", she will begin to complain about flag football and any other event you're now a part of while with her.
As the season rolls on, the woman who hates sports will nag you right out of your cleats. After all, she told you in the beginning how she felt, but you did not pay attention.
STABILITY
Look, women have heard ad nauseam that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. That is not quite true, but the premise is a starting point. Feed him, feed his ego. So a woman will go out of her way to romance a guy in this way when they are dating. Even if it means going down the street to Lawan's Soul Food to grab a family meal deal, and throwing away the cartons, so you would not know, a woman will do what she has to do to get that ring!
If she really wants to marry you, she will hide all of her negative attributes, and elevate the good qualities you say you want. She hides her crazy, she hides her own goals and aspirations, she even hides the fact that she keeps a dirty home. A lady will be on her best behavior, share few of her own opinions, agree with what you on almost everything, and blow you up like you're the best thing in the world...all to get that ring.
The "I'm too good to be true" mask, is real. No one is perfect. She may be perfect for you in all your great qualities and inadequacies, but she is not perfect. This is not said to scare you scare you out of commitment. It is to make you aware of things you should pay attention to when deciding to commit.
Because a woman wearing the "get the ring mask" lays the foundation for your stability, does not mean she is stable. Putting on that "Stepford wife" mask helps a lot of women get rings. But you men have to be as diligent as women are in discovering with whom you are involved. You have to ask questions and see who she is and what she really wants. The gentleman mentioned above, never bothered to ask his wife what she wanted out of life or out of marriage while they dated. He just assumed she wanted everything he did. WRONG! You cannot be that self-absorbed, men!
You all have to remember that these women are individuals who had lives before you came around. So to even begin to believe that all she wants in life is to be your version of a great wife and make you happy is ridiculous. She has desires of her own, and that should be okay.
A third gentlemen wrote in about how a friend's wife used to get up and cater to the friend's needs at all times. She would rub his feet and run his bath when he came home. That lasted while they dated and maybe the first few months of dating. Then she flipped it on him. She stopped getting up for beers during games, and rubbing his feet. The tables were turned, no sooner than the ink dried and the first baby came.
No, not all marriage seeking women do this. But there are many who do because they are taught to do this. You get a man, be all he wants, get the ring and then you can show who you really are.
THE TAKE AWAY
Part of being married, men, is being a husband. Not just having a wife. So you have to think about what her needs, hopes, wishes, and desires are as well as getting your own fulfilled. Your version of what a great husband is, may not be her version. Although women are often taught to mask who they are and what they want in order to get a man to marry them, it is a recipe for disaster. No, women are not being sadistically deceitful. They are just playing the mating game.
Where men often go wrong is believing that they are just great as they are, without paying attention to what the woman's own views and values are. Men look, with fault, for a woman who is the direct reflection of their perfect woman. Though you may find someone who is completely compatible, what you do not want is someone who has the image of everything you think you want.
She was somebody before you got there. As earlier stated, you are not going to meet the perfect person, so stop being fooled by the mask. You can only blame yourself when she "changes after marriage." You have to set your egos aside and realize that there is not anyone on the planet who truly wants everything you want, likes everything you like, will be everything to perfection. There has to be room for a few differences.
Often, women do not change at all after marriage. You just never took the time to get to know who she really is underneath the mask. Think about it. No one is really a shape-shifter. Marriage only exacerbates what is already there, good and bad. A good relationship allows everyone to be themselves. When you are open and honest, transparent and great with communication, you get to the person's core. Once you have seen the core, nothing should come as a surprise.
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