With Whom Can You Feel Perfect Vulnerability?

This question is regarding the feeling of vulnerability. I’ve met women with so much love inside. Each woman tends to have the same common denominator. They have so much love to give, but are awaiting the right person to give all of their love to. When I say all of their love, I mean an uncontrollable, uncontainable, and unconditional love. This love is so deep, so wide and so massive that there’s no other way to describe it than to say a Godly love. And when you finally feel comfortable enough to give it to someone, this is what I consider perfect vulnerability. Who wouldn’t want that? But how many are free enough to allow it?

Women have always been taught that we should save our love for someone who loves us back. So we search and we search for someone who’s not only able to hold our love, but who can also reciprocate it. And, then we find him. And when we find him, something strange happens. We’ve become so accustomed to holding back our love that we still don’t open ourselves completely to it. Even at its pinnacle (i.e. marriage), we have our walls up. So, I beg to ask this question again, if you can’t feel perfect vulnerability with the one you love, then who are you allowed to feel that way with? Or even better, why are you with that person?

As a Healthy Relationship Activist, I ask a lot of probing questions. If you, too, are having troubles opening yourself to perfect vulnerability with the one you love, I’d like you to ask yourself a few questions.

Are you living hypothetically? The concept of “what if” has created such a handicap in our society. We spend so much time living in what if, that we fail to live in the reality of now; the gift of the present. What if he cheats, what if he leaves me, what if he ends up being like every other man I’ve been with? All I say in response is, “What if he doesn’t?” Many times, we wonder the what if’s because we don’t believe that we are strong enough to deal in it should it come to reality. All of the time we spend drawing the prenuptial contracts, could be better spent building a stronger connection. Living hypothetically may say more about how you feel about you and your personal strength and resilience than how you actually feel about him. If you fit this mold, you are making him a victim of your own insecurity. Don’t create your own destiny in the falsehood of your fears.

Aren’t you trying to connect? Don’t be afraid to ask for what you really want. If you really want to draw closer to the one you love, then why would you ask for some space? A separation does just that—it separates. I thought that you two were trying to connect. I understand that people need space to breathe and think, but to actually separate yourself from someone, especially for an extended period of time, does exactly what it supposed to do. It supposed to create a space between the two of you. Why, then, are people so surprised when divorce soon follows a separation. Connections are built on connecting, separations are built on separating.

Is he really first in your life, or is that a myth? We don’t give up on our children—especially our young children. We fight for them, we give them our energy when they are in need and we continue to feed them our love even when they are upset with us. We would lay our life on the line to protect them and their reputation, and most importantly we continue and continue to give to them without fear that we are being taken advantage of. We do all of this for our children, but we question how much effort we should sincerely put into our husbands and life partners. Why is it okay for us to break our back even at our most weary for our children, but then fight only up to a point for someone you love? You have the ability to give unconditional love, so why can’t he have some of it?

Are you expressing your need for him now, or later? When was the last time you told him just how much you are in need of his time, attention, affection—love? He’s asked you over and over, is it okay to go to the bar, or if you want him to stay at home with you. So, why can’t you just tell him that you really need him to stay home tonight—and perhaps spend some time with you? I don’t think you know the full detriment to this behavior. If you aren’t sincerely honest that you need him, you may believe that he isn’t sincere when he makes certain statements to you. When he is telling you the truth about something, you begin to question his sincerity. Not because he’s done anything insincere before, but because you know how easy it is for you to be insincere. You are trapping your own self and you don’t even know it. Don’t wait until he leaves for good before you are able to tell him just how much you needed him in the past. Don’t expect him to read your mind. Can you imagine the pureness in him hearing that in the present—while he’s needing you too?

I understand the challenge in vulnerability, but when you are with the man you are saying that you love and want to spend your life with, you should also be able to be perfectly vulnerable with him. If not him, then for whom are you saving yourself? Imagine a world where you are able to be the real you—the authentic you! You are able to say to him that you need him and that you absolutely hate sleeping alone. Your words are powerful and in them you will be able to continuously build him up. I really believe that the only way a king would be crazy enough to leave his kingdom—is if he no longer felt royal (i.e. worthy of his crown). In showing perfect vulnerability to your loved one, you are not only making him feel good on the inside, you are showing him where his place in your life. It’s funny, but he needs that and so do you.