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Witch doctor gains control of Texas Board of Education

A pile of unidentified meat.
A pile of unidentified meat.
Photo by Joe Shlabotnik on

When a person’s brain is eaten, their body dies. Any further activities the body undertakes, or decisions it seems to come to, are obviously the product of some outside controller, such as a “zombie virus” or a voodoo witch doctor.

How can you tell whether someone’s brain has been eaten? The first tip-off is the stench of rotting flesh. If you’re not sure whether that smell is coming from the trash, the refrigerator or the person, watch for indications that the person has no brain. Has their behavior changed? Do their motivations seem to be skewed or coming from a distant, possibly necromantic source? Have their eating habits changed, incorporating more raw meat, still-living creatures, or unidentified, unrefrigerated pieces of flesh-on-the-bone? Have they decided to ignore reality in favor of some ill-conceived attempt to remake the world into a personal fairy-land, where their enemies may be hunted down and executed without due process of law—without, even, question?

Have they decided to rewrite schoolbooks so that, with the passing of the generations, they will ultimately control the minds of every person who has passed through the “public educational system?”

Boulder Skeptic Examiner Tyler Mountain brought this last note to light in connection with the Texas Board of Education, who, it seems, are being controlled by a master witch doctor with Lex Lutheresque designs of world domination. With the Board’s recent success, published by New York Times reporter James C. McKinley, Jr., this master villain will have every schoolchild believing that church and state are one entity, that McCarthy was right, and that “Hispanics don’t exist.”

“They are rewriting history,” says Mary Helen Berlanga, a member of the Board who retained her brain, “not only of Texas but of the United States and of the world.

Prime candidates for the zombie master behind this are not yet being investigated. It is suspected that the super-brain may be a higher-up in the American Family Association.


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