The Olympic games in Sochi were cancelled after Russian authorities arrested almost three-quarters of the athletes.
One of the first to be arrested was a Dutch speed skater whose iPod contained the greatest hits of the Village People. He is currently awaiting bail.
The entire US hockey team was arrested en masse, because the Russian authorities deemed their jeans too tight. A clear sign of gayness, according to one unnamed source at the FSB.
Every single competitor in the luge competition was arrested because the authorities deemed their outfits "too kinky." Asked to clarify, one security official said, "Uniform is revealing. Showing of bulges makes us uncomfortable."
A French skier was arrested for wearing a scarf that one officer said was "totally gay."
All members of the bobsled teams were arrested for what the Russian authorities deemed "inappropriate touching, and sitting too close."
All male curling competitors were arrested. When reporters asked why, a Russian security official just snorted and said, "Men with brooms? Please...isn't it obvious?"
In a move that surprised everyone, all the freestyle skiers were arrested as soon they stepped off the plane. One Russian member of security said, "freestyle is a euphemism for "lifestyle" and we won't have you polluting our youth with your "lifestyle."
And finally, the Estonian, Latvian and Lithuanian teams were all arrested and immediately shipped to Siberia. When asked what they had done wrong, one Russian official shrugged his shoulders, sighed and said, "Nothing, old habits die hard."