“Winning,” the term made popular by Charlie Sheen, is something we all want. But what does it mean to “win” in relationships? Of course it depends on what we want. To Charlie Sheen, winning in relationships obviously means having a woman available for sex whenever he wants one, whether he has to pay for it or not. On the other side, like a golddigger, winning in relationships is finding the richest man available and getting him to fall in love with her, whether or not she loves him back. But for most of us, these two extremes are not what we would call “winning in relationships.”
A real win for most of us would be to find someone we fall in love with who loves us back the same. We want someone who loves, adores, and respects us, and someone we feel the same way about. And then, real winning would be to keep that love alive forever. We would start out with our lover enjoying the primary years of our lives together, having fun, raising a family if we choose to, working hard in our careers, and then enjoying growing old together.
But it’s hard to keep love alive forever, and sometimes even for a short time. My Denver client Jennifer wants to know, “Why do relationships start out so exciting and wonderful and after a few years the attraction is often gone? Even people who stay together for years aren’t necessarily there because they want to be. Why does this happen?
Why We Don’t Win in Relationships
- We settle down with someone too soon and give too much. Whether we have married too young or simply jump into relationships too quickly, rushing a relationship will usually doom it, especially when you give up your identity, trying to please that person.
- Couples blame each other for their unhappiness. My mother used to say, “I’d be happy if it wasn’t for your father.” Couples come into my office everyday blaming each other for their unhappiness. We decide in our heads how our mates want us to behave, and then blame them when it doesn’t work. Don’t assume what he or she wants. And your happiness is your own responsibility; no one else’s
- We suffocate each other. Couples think they’re supposed to do everything together, like the same things, , think the same way, stay in touch constantly. Thinking this way stifles you and your mate’s individuality. Spending too much time together creates boredom, resentment, and a desire to get away from your mate.
- We don’t speak up (in a healthy way) when we’re unhappy. No we can’t change our mate, but we can change the way he or she treats us. Women think they’re speaking up when they complain and bitch, but this is a far cry from telling your mate how you feel and what you want. Men often passively build a grudge and act passive/aggressive instead of saying what they’re feeling and what they want. It’s actually your job to try and change your mate’s bad behavior toward you before your resentment kills the love.
- We don’t make our mate feel loved. When is the last time you gave your mate a compliment out of the blue? Or told him or her that you respect something they’re doing? Made him or her feel truly valued? No mater how confident someone seems to be, we all have insecurities and need praise and affection and when he or she doesn’t get it from you, they will probably find somewhere else to get it.
How to Win in Relationships
- Develop your own identity before you get into a long-term relationship, and make sure that you keep it.
- If you’re not happy, don’t blame your mate. Instead, do whatever is necessary to make yourself happy.
- Give him his space and take yours. Each of you keeping your own interests and friends will keep the relationship more exciting.
- Speak up and ask for what you want and be willing to negotiate fair deals, making the relationship win/win.
- Make your mate feel loved, i.e., compliments, hugs and kisses, buying small things that make you think of him/her.
Winning in relationships is not that difficult if you stay focused on your own identity and happiness. You must also be willing to keep your heart in a loving place as you negotiate fair deals with your mate. Winning!!
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