There is one question that people ask me that stands out among all others. Perhaps, it is because this particular question is the wrong question that they should be asking me... and themselves.
"Why can't I find anyone to date and build a relationship with?"
Here is the answer... Stop trying to find someone. Instead, attract the person who you want in your life.
The question that you really need to be asking yourself is... "Why would the person of my dreams want to date me?"
A relationship must be a place that you go to give... not a place that you go to take. What do you have to offer? Who are you? What is your identity?
To help you understand what I mean by identity and as a model for the rest of this column, you can find my written identity here... Who Is Bill Gladwell?
First thing first, what exactly is identity?
Identity is simply the beliefs that you use to define your individuality and what makes you unique from everyone else, and the strength of these beliefs sets the boundaries within which you live. You act consistently, and predictably, with your views of who you truly are... whether that is accurate or not and whether that is good, bad, or indifferent. So, who are you? No, really... who are you?
Take a moment and really think about who you are? What defines you as a person? What is your identity? I recommend that you make a list. Get it down on paper, because you will need this information to design who you really want to be... the you who will attract the person of your dreams. Until you know where you have been and where you are right now, you will never know where you are going.
Here is where I begin to blow your mind...
You can reinvent yourself! You can become who you want to be... the you who will attract the person or your dreams.
You are at a crossroads in your life, or you would not be reading this right now. There are decisions that need to be made and actions that need to be taken. Forget your past. Leave behind who you used to be. Who do you want to be? Who will you be now? Make this decision, and make it with impact!
Follow these steps, let go of finding "The One", and begin to attract that special person...
Step #1: You must be clear as to what "The One" means to you.
Make a list of all of the qualities that your special person will have as well as the qualities they will not have. What will their beliefs be? What will their values be? How much education will they have? What are their physical qualities? Eye color? Hair? Height? Weight?
Get detailed about their entire personality, their physical appearance, their quarks, etc... Describe them in as much detail as you can.
Many people ask me, "Doesn't this limit my choices by having such a detailed description?" Answer... It does not. What it does do is help open your eyes so you begin to notice those people around you that you have overlooked before. Why not get detailed as to the person you want in your life? You will save a lot of time and heartache if you are clear on what you want and do not want.
Do not go onto the next step until you have completed this one. It is very important that you know exactly what you want.
Step #2: What sort of person will you have to be to attract "The One"?
Make a list of all of the attributes, characteristics, and elements of your identity that you want to have. Who will you have to be to attract your dream person? What other people have the traits that you want? Perhaps, you can use them as an example. How will you talk? How will you feel? How will you move? How will you think?
Keep in mind that you are designing the someone who your dream person would be attracted to, but you also have to be someone who you want to be. Be creative. You have the power right now to reinvent yourself simply by making a few decisions.
Step #3: Now, describe in detail who you have decided to be.
Write down who you have decided to be. Who are you now? What is your identity now? If you need to, use my written identity to help design yours... Who is Bill Gladwell?
Step #4: You need a plan!
You must put together a plan of action that will help you internalize and become your new identity... the new you.
"You" is a very fluid concept right now. You will continue to wonder "Why can't I find the one?" if you keep doing what you have always done. It is time to stop wondering why, and start making it happen by design.
What kind of friends will you spend your time with? What new things will I do? Where can you go that you have never been before? What new experiences can you have? Take advantage of every opportunity to expand your identity. Say "yes" to those things that you thought you would never do before? Commit to new things, and follow through.
Forget who you were, and be who you are now.
Step #5: Commit!
Tell everyone about your new identity. If they give you push back, perhaps those are not the people you need to associate with right now... or ever. Most importantly, however... Remind yourself everyday! You must condition your mind to be who you are. Dress the way you want to dress, act the way you want to act, speak the way you want to speak... be the new you. Soon, very soon... You will no longer have to tell yourself, because you will be that person.
Stop hoping that you will find that special person. Make it happen! You must begin on the inside and work your way out. Become the individual who will attract the person you described in Step #1. You will be amazed at what happens when you "do" instead of "hope".
You will be surprise how becoming that person positively impacts every area of your life.
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