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Why men should eat more raw food

Just to be clear, I’m talking about men who don’t know that much about cooking, not the ones that are chefs or who like to cook and can whip up a gourmet meal at the drop of a hat. I mean the guys whose idea of cooking a meal is cooking ramen in the dorm popcorn popper and bragging to everyone that they made lunch.

I can think of a lot of reasons that men should stick to eating raw, but here are just a few:

1. It’s safer. Guys are not that concerned about washing things before they eat them. I’ve seen guys drop food on the floor and pick it up and put it right in their mouths without batting an eyelash. I’m talking about their floor, which was last mopped six months ago and has been swept roughly four times since then. Given their lack of germ phobia, they’re better off eating an unwashed carrot than an unwashed chicken breast from a chicken crammed into a factory farm with a million other chickens and all of their excrement, E. coli, and other things we are better off not knowing about.

2. It’s safer. Guys have only a vague idea of how long food can “sit out” before it’s no longer safe to eat. One guy I knew—upon his return from having his stomach pumped out at the hospital—told me that he had eaten a leftover chicken breast after it sat all night on top of the fridge. When I asked why he did this, he answered, “It was cooked,” i.e., once it’s cooked it can never spoil again.

3. It’s safer. Raw food, by definition, is not cooked. This means that there is really no opportunity to mess it up by cooking it wrong. For every right way to cook something, there are a million wrong ways, and men love to invent these while imbibing spirits that cloud their judgment.

4. It’s safer. Those stains you see on your boyfriend’s kitchen wall and ceiling—those are the remains of things that have exploded due to his cooking techniques. Splotches on the ceiling are often from boiled eggs that blew up, and tomato-y drips are from overheated spaghetti sauce that bubbled and splattered onto the wall. The inside of the microwave, which looks like something was detonated in there, could be virtually anything. Better not to ask.

Men seem to do better with cooking as they get older, or maybe it’s just that they eventually get married and learn from their wives (yes, I know, another gender stereotype). This is another indication that getting older can be a good thing.

I realize that’s highly debatable, but check out my essay, “Age Is Relative,” in the contest this week at midlifecollage.com and see if you agree. If you enjoy it, I’d appreciate your “liking” it and leaving a comment. Cheers!