Skip to main content
Movies

See also:

Why I'm Looking Forward To FIFTY SHADES OF GREY

Fifty Shades
Fifty ShadesVintage

It's been a long time since we've seen the likes of a bawdy sex romp like the film adaptation of the EL James fan-fic sensation, Fifty Shades of Grey, due in theaters next Valentine's Day. Certainly, it's been quite a while since we've seen anything approaching the tone of Fifty Shades - just unapologetically trashy, dime-store, S&M erotica. The last film that I can think of that at least resembles Fifty Shades would be Secretary, but that was a smart film - an unorthodox rom-com with a lot of kink. My guess is that Fifty Shades will be the 9 1/2 Weeks of this generation.

Take from that what you will.

In fact, one could argue that Fifty Shades borrows heavily from Secretary. Fifty Shades has all of the debauchery of Secretary, but none of the substance that has made Secretary last. Secretary had E. Edward Grey. Fifty Shades has Christian Grey. Two vastly different "Greys" inhabiting vastly different worlds, each man with a vastly different IQ.

All of that aside, don't you know that Fifty Shades will be - or should be - a blast? If you've read the novels, you know what you're in for. Remember how bad that dialogue was, how it consistently landed with a thud in just about every sentence? Remember how shallow and one-dimensional the characters were? How laughably bad and ridiculously graphic the sex scenes were, with all of the ass-beating, the visits to the Red Room, those awkward moments with the Ben Wa balls? Remember how implausible and irredeemably stupid the whole damn series was?

Now imagine a bunch of actors taking all of this nonsense seriously. And apparently they are. That trailer looks so somber.

Can you see the droves of people lining around the block to gladly give Hollywood their money, including B-movie lovers like myself?

I certainly can, and I will be there on opening day. You can bet your "inner goddess"!