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Why DO we want what we can’t have?

Through my eyes...
Through my eyes...
Photo by Dan Kitwood/Getty Images

What’s with the ever elusive chase that so many men and women have going on? And why are you, awesome woman with more than 1 Job… a career actually, multi-talented, committed to your family, good cook, good friend, great listener… STILL chasing after “the one who got away” or the one who sends you pictures every 2 weeks with a sweet note but refuses to take your phone calls, or take you out on a date in public. Why do you still give your time to the man who can’t commit or who consistently swears! His love to you but then never actually has the time to devote or make any part of his life about you, or truly reciprocate interest….

People will try to categorize you as being lonely, or having no self esteem… and perhaps… there could be a lingering part of you that does somehow feel not good enough for a great partner… however in my experience… with myself, namely, it’s been something different….

It’s been about my own capacity to have a healthy relationship… my own ability not to give, as clearly I’m great at loving people who don’t love me feverishly, and fully… but how do I respond when it’s mutual which also makes it….wait for it wait for it… REAL. That’s right, real with the possibility of actually developing into something which will mean that you <gasp> actually have to make room in your life for someone, that you actually have to become vulnerable and make way for true intimacy and real connection, and also that those walls that you’ve built up…might just have to come down…or get knocked down if the guy is truly brave and bold and amazing.

So why were you choosing the guy / girl who was completely unavailable? No, not because you are so desperate for a social life or a career, or love that you just don’t know any better…. No…you were making that choice because on some level you knew that partner was totally unavailable and probably never would be thus! You would never be asked to come out of your comfort zone or make yourself truly vulnerable and available to love on any real level. This person was never a threat because they could never actually reject you… you could never really get your heart broken… at least by anyone other than yourself as you will find that is what you are doing in preventing yourself from a true love connection. Sure! It might be “easy” …in a terribly unfulfilling painful cooking dinner watching movies and date nights with your girlfriends and cats kind of way… but it will also never lead to real intimacy or that incredible mutual partner relationship that lets face, down deep girl or boy…you know you want it baby… you know you do.

So go for it! What are you waiting for? The next time a potentially great candidate makes a pass… give them the benefit of the doubt! Catch the ball… toss it back, play the game, and see if they can keep up…reveal small and intimate aspects of yourself within each moment… see that with the right partner who is totally into you…it can be “painless” ….and even when it hurts a little we know that its all relative and it’s ultimately all perfect…teaching us lessons… which is also why relationships serve as such great teachers…. Particularly the mutual ones!

Here’s your reminder…. You are love.

By Ashley Davene

www.artoflovebyashleydavene.com

Purchase Ashley’s book “Art of Love” via www.amazon.com

Stay Tuned for her Second Book “Pink and Blue A love Story…” Currently in creation. Xo