I am sad to hear of the transition of comedian Robin Williams. Why did he choose suicide so many are asking. He made me laugh and I "got" him. Robin Williams made millions laugh but he was sad. The whole nanu nanu thing was so different. Mork and Mindy was one of my favorite shows and I get that perhaps I related to Robin Williams because he was different. Robin Williams began doing impressions and comedy as a lonely over weight young boy who felt different. I too am different and I have always felt different or been reminded of the fact by the scores of "normal" folks around me. Perhaps you feel different too. The feeling of never quite fitting in used to haunt me and the loudest voice was the one in my own head. It was a constant reminder that I didn't agree with or believe a lot of what everyone else said or did. I wasn't overweight as a child I just preferred to be alone. Nor was I interested in what I was "supposed" to be learning or made to do. I was bored. I was considered a minority mentally and physically yet they labeled me "gifted" in public school. It was daunting and I was taunted. So I created coping mechanisms. All external. That's life. You get in where you fit in and folks on drugs and alcohol tended to not care either way so it was comfortable drowning the sorrows for awhile. People who don't understand depression will sometimes make accusations of drug and alcohol abuse for depression, out of ignorance, oftentimes as they pop another codeine something for their "nerves" and chase it with red wine.
The stories I could share.. smh
The depression got worse until I could not leave the bed much less the house. The doctors kept giving me more prescriptions and I kept feeling worse and worse. I could not work and work did not want to hear that. It seems some folks faked depression to stay home and get paid. The folks that really were depressed pay the highest price. isolation. That time can never be recovered. That feeling can never be quite understood. It's just there. "What do you have to be depressed about" they asked. How the heck would I know? If I knew why and how I would have given anything to just make it go away...
But I couldn't. So I faked a lot. I smiled and when I got home I cried thousands of tears begging God to just take the bad feelings away... There were times I considered the alternatives. But I was never brave enough. I worried to much about appearances. Interesting thing is none of those appearances(people) gave a real damn about me. inconsiderate vultures. I remember the day I realized that if I didn't do something I really was gonna die. As the Dr. took my blood pressure and wrote me five more prescriptions for the issues and the side effects of the issues he appealed to my vanity. He described what could happen if I didn't die...whew. I think I understand why Robin Williams had to cut his wrists and put a belt around his neck. He had to die. The pain was too painful, the consequences to great. I visited a hypnotist at some point to quit smoking and I remembered what it felt like to relax. It was different and it was a good feeling. There was hope I liked that feeling so I learned everything I could about it. Hypnosis led me into a deeper meditation. peace be still. I surrendered to that higher power I had heard about. Not the one that scared me from the pulpit in the Baptist church I grew up in, the one that was inside of me. The one power that was stronger than me. Something shifted and I knew I had to live... for ME! I actually wanted to live.
Depression is hard. Depression is lonely. Nobody wants to hear about it or so it seemed. Most folks think it is over rated. I did too until it happened to me. Money fortune and fame can't erase the pain.
I am sad to hear Robin Williams decided to leave early. He taught us so much and I can only imagine how much he took with him. I choose to stay and share for whatever it is worth, whatever it is, however I can, whenever I can. Drug and alcohol free. It feels good to be free and freedom IS a state of mind. God only knows what a "normal" life looks like and since we(God and I) have developed this relationship built on trust I place my trust in God. I check in with God often. I cultivate my relationship with the Angels 'cause lord knows this life can be cruel and deep...real deep. The way out for me was personal. I dug out of that hole body mind and spirit.
This is the first time I have discussed it publicly. I was never brave enough to write about it however the death of Robin Williams has touched me. I have held it in long enough and it no longer serves me to hold on to that past life. I am free. It is safe to be free and full of life. happy. It is cool to be different. Depression no longer defines me. I am not afraid to live. They say the internet is immortal and so am I. To everyone who thought I was faking depression may you never experience what I have. To those who supported me I love you more than words can ever express. Thank you for taking my calls and just listening to me. Thank you for understanding when I simply could not talk. Thanks to my therapists who understood what I was growing through.
Thank you God for...all of it. May I be an instrument of your peace.
If you are depressed tell your story. And tell it often. Also take the time to listen. You are never alone.
Depression can be a struggle. Honor your emotions and try alternative methods of treatment. Explore spirituality. Don't give up life is really beautiful.
Happiness can not be bought, drunk, snorted, smoked or found through any external means. It is a state of mind that comes from within. be still and know.
Depression happened when I was afraid to live or die..
RIP Robin Williams nanu nanu