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Who do I turn to when the going gets bad and everyone around me is turning into the mindless undead?


Montreal Zombie Walk

When preparing for the inevitable, one thought stands out more than any other: who will help me when everyone else is being chased and feasted upon? At this time, the one who most will want to turn to, will be fighting His own battle and won't be able to help for quite some time. If this is the case, you will have to find someone else. Here's a quick guide to help you choose that person.

1. Must be trustworthy: This is a rather important aspect to keep in mind when picking someone who will be your savior in the time of need. Make sure when creating your escape or battle plans, that your right-hand-man is someone you would trust not only with your life, but your death as well.

If your best friend gets queasy easily at blood loss or lots of gore, then you are better off picking that random associate from work who doesn't smile and whom you are pretty certain is probably a serial killer on the side. He will be more reliable when it comes to taking you out if you get bitten, therefore keeping you from that undead fate, whereas your best friend may simply scream and run away, leaving you to your doom as an undead predator.

Which leads us right into the next point, point #2. Must be capable of slaying a friend and not looking back or regretting it: If, in a worst case scenario, you were to find yourself having been bitten by an undead monster, but you yourself do not have the wits or the strength to take your own life, you will be in need of someone to do it for you. If your friend has a problem with assisted suicide or regrets one too many decisions from the past, you may want to choose someone else. 

Remember that coworker from earlier, the one who leaves threatening notes on your desk and glares at you from afar? That person would be a better choice in this case, because at least they would not have any feelings of regret or sorrow when dismembering your head from your body.

3. Must be stealthy and strategic: To live in an undead world means to be able to move around and gather items as quickly and quietly as you are capable of doing. Not to be the bearer of bad news, but your loud, obnoxious twice-removed cousin may not be the proper choice for this feat. Sure, he may have your back and you have his, that's great -- afterall, that's what family's for. But when it comes down to lying low, staying quiet, and keeping out of sight, well... Let's face it, his chants of, "Hey, zombie man, you're a dead man!" aren't exactly what we're looking for, and that will be quickest way to get yourself -- and your obnoxious family member -- killed and turned into a walking undead.

A quick note about strategy, don't be an idiot and simply rush out onto the field expecting a game plan to formulate as needed. This is how teams lose and you are not a loser. You are a survivor. You want to make sure the person you add to your team isn't stuck in his glory days as the highschool quarterback, making up plays as he sees fit and scoring all the touchdowns. If you do, just keep in mind that championship game which was blown because he couldn't think of a plan when the team needed one the most.

4. Must be quick to draw: This one gets me everytime, and will probably be the number one reason for my own demise, if and when that happens. If a day does not go by where the person, who may otherwise be qualified to fit in as The Chosen One, cannot seem to keep up with you or anyone else without tripping or stabbing themselves with the tip of their swords, then you may want to look elsewhere. This kind of accident-prone fool will surely end up cutting off your head instead of the undead's beside you.

Finally, point #5, which is really just a repeat of points 1 and 2, but still nevertheless important to keep in mind. Must have no qualms about killing something: That tree-loving, save-the-Earth, help-the-stricken hippie ideology won't save you here, my friend. If the person you are considering has a knack for loving animals and picketing outside of a new mega-insane, action packed, gore-infested video game movie adaptation premiere, you may be sorry later.

This person's mind may not be capable to understand that once a person has been bitten and has the zed's saliva in them, they are no longer the person they once were; they are no longer human and are no longer in control of anything that they do. Therefore, killing them is not actually an unforgiveable thing, but really, asked for and demanded of you. Having a sidekick who doesn't understand this will only further deter your survival rate.

When it comes down to it, you'll find that you already know who the best person would be for this situation. Not only are they skilled will all sorts of weaponry, but they're stealthy, trustworthy, hold no regrets, and don't balk at killing an obvious menace to our world. To put it simply:

Ninjas.

If you have a ninja on your team, backing you up every step of the way, you will undoubtedly live longer than anyone else on this planet. Of course, you will also undoubtedly have an extremely morose stay in the Hell risen world, but that is a fact you should have already known about and planned ahead for.

For more info: Need help finding the perfect ninja? Well, whatever you do, don't choose this guy.

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