There's an interesting post on WashingtonPost.com about Michelle Obama and women balancing careers and family.
When my oldest was born, I continued working full-time. When my twins were born, I took a demotion and worked full-time, but many of my hours were put in at home with one baby in my lap, another crying in a bouncy seat next to my desk chair. I went back to a more traditional schedule after they were a year old, then finally left my job to stay home after my youngest was born.
But even as a "stay-at-home" mom, I have continued to work 20-30 hours a week as a freelance writer. I feel very fortunate to be able to do this, but financially it's a necessity. Even before my husband was laid off, my income was our gas and grocery money. Now I've managed to increase my workload, in an attempt to reduce our family budget deficit.
Most of my "stay-at-home" friends are also working, running businesses or Ebay shops or daycares out of their homes. Why is this? It seems two incomes are necessary for most families, and I don't want my husband to work two jobs away from home. More women have college degrees than in years past, so it is harder to let go of a career about which one was passionate, or into which one has invested a lot of time and money.
I like working. I like writing. I take pride in contributing to our bank balance, and I get the best of both worlds -- I get to be home with my kids, and I get to show my children that women have more to contribute than recipes and household tips.
The downside? People fail to see this as real work. The expectations for women who work for themselves, from home, are different than the expectations for women who work full time in an office. Many of my friends in similar situations work until 2 and 3 a.m., then get up with their kids before 6. Two acquaintances recently asked me whether, in light of Jason's layoff, I'd considered getting a job. Each time I tried to answer with all the patience I could muster, explaining that I already have a job. In fact, between the work of child care and the work of writing, I already have two.
Sigh.
What about you? Are you burning the candle at both ends, staying home and working? Do you have a more traditional schedule? How do you and your family balance work and home?
Comments
Kudos to you, Jen! I admire you for your success at balancing your life. It is something I have struggled with my entire life. Even though I do not have a family of my own, I somehow allowed my intense career to constantly compromise my personal life. A year ago, I gave up my career and took some time to try to figure it all out...how to secure that balance in today's demanding world of over-achievers. Funny thing, I somehow ended up in Swaziland Africa for three months where life is very basic, not much concept of planning at all, and the pace is, well, lets say SLOW. Like going back in time about 50-60 years when there was no technology to speak of... :)
It was awesome not having a phone, blackberry or much access to the internet for several months. You learn what is important and what we are really here for...to be relational. It gave me the perspective I needed to prioritize and balance my time and now I, too, am working at home free-lancing and my family and friends are my first priority.
Ands thanks for standing up for yourself regarding the two jobs you ALREADY have. It always makes me smile when people ask me when I'm going to get a job. I love working at home and I only hope someday I, too can be holding a baby in my lap as I type. God bless you.
Heidi
You are doing a marvelous job at both so keep it up! I do stay at home with my daughter but I also do some marketing/advertising freelance type work from home. The little extra money helps to supplement my husband's pay check. Its hard finding that balance.
I work from home, too. It is really, really difficult because I have a 3 and a 4 year old. That means that my work hours are essentially from 8pm (after I've put the kids to bed and cleaned up) until I can keep my eyes open.
I'm more fortunate than most in that my husband does, for the most part, see my work as important and serious. But my job does always take a back seat to whatever is on his agenda and that has been the toughest thing to work around.
Although I'm glad I get all this time with my kids, I am looking forward to when they are both in school and I can have my days to work in a quiet environment.
I work in an office two days a week, and I stay at home with my 18-month-old three days a week, and I'm here to tell you (though apparently I don't need to) that those two days at the office are the quietest, most relaxing of my week. The time at home with the kid is physical and ceaselessly *on* (except for those blessed naptimes). I salute you and other moms who work from home with the kids there. I'm not quite sure how you do it, but it's good to know it *can* be done.
I have only recently (early 2008) started back to work, by starting my own business. I worked occasionally outside the home when my first son was a baby, but stayed home after then second one came along. I agree that many don't respect the fact that staying home to care for and train your children all the while trying to maintain a career is difficult and a time-consuming job. I have lots of dreams for my business that I will put on hold until my kids are older, because I choose to put my job as stay-at-home Mom first. That's not everyone's cup of tea, and that's fine. My balance comes from our priorities. Though, I have had many a night when the 'candle' burned later than I had planned. Thank you for a thought-provoking article.
yep. I'm the mom with three kids ages three and under working until 2am each night to keep my business running (fairly) smoothly and the house in order. it is HARD. and i hate it.
i hate that when i'm with the kids all i can think about is the work that needs to get done, and that frankly, i'd rather be doing.
i hate that on days when i do have to try to get work done more during the day that the kids have the tv on to occupy them and the baby sits in the exersaucer for hours on end. happily or unhappily.
i hate that my husband has NO IDEA how hard it is to balance the kids AND a job. he wants me to succeed so we can be more financially stable but won't give me the time to work towards that.
personally, i want to be rich, hire a nanny three days a week to come to my home, work three solid days a week from a coffee shop or something and then have two days to play and be with my kids.
but we're not rich and so i go on. going on no sleep and massive frustration and a big fat smile on my face the entire time.
does it show that i have a deadline today, am potty training the 2 year old (who's had no less than 5 accidents already) and the baby is crying in the other room? :)
You are so right. I don't know any stay at home moms these days that aren't busting their butts making some money on the side.
People always ask me if I run my business full time. Its a hard question to answer. Honestly I feel like I have two full time jobs, mom and small business owner. It is really hard to balance. If there is a good way to do it, I haven't figured it out yet.
You're right. You're not alone. I remember when I stayed at home and yet I had it in my head that I didn't have a job because that's part of the culture I come from, as discussed in a post "Michelle Obama is Covered in Handprints."
I'm no longer where you are exactly, however, because my younger child turned 18 recently and is finishing high school this year, on his way to college. Also, I'm divorced, so the pressures to produce income and balance home life are a little different for me (no husband with expectations), yet I still identify because people, especially my father and older relatives can't wrap their heads around working from home, which is something many writers do.
Guess what, I have Oprah on in the background, I just heard a woman say that she's concerned because she feels only identified as a mother. Oy! Will we ever get away from thinking that it's nothing to stay home and raise children. It's one of the most important jobs in the world and yet one of the most belittled. :-)
Thank you, Jen. BTW, I touched on some of the feelings you share in the post "SAHM to WAHM Takes More Than Moxie" at Blogher a while back. These are issues on the minds of women.
I work PT (4 days per week). The days when I have my twins to myself are a joy, but the hardest days of the week! Every stay-at-home mom I know does some work on the side or at least wants too. I don't know very many people who can survive on one income anymore. I live in California, so that may be part of the problem. :)
After our fourth child, I left my FT job because a long commute plus four kids in daycare wasn't adding up to much income left over. I then worked part time bartending because it was good money and it was night work, so we eliminated daycare. That only lasted about a year, the four hours of sleep I'd get if I was lucky just wasn't cutting it. We were lucky, my husband got a higher paying job and we had our fifth child which made me a concrete stay-at-home mom. If my husband and I lived in the same city...we might be among the really lucky parents.
I have tried to do a few odds and ends outside of the home since our first was born (I was a teacher before having kids) but right now I am able to make staying home my priority. There are definitely days when I wish I could find something more to do, a better way to use my talents and feel like I am being fulfilled. I think I need pats on the back, and you don't always get those from cleaning the house and wiping heinies!
Thank Jen,
I am glad to see that it is a struggle for everyone and I'm not failing because I can't do both perfectly.
That's the problem - most people do not understand that women with children still at home already have a job. If you decide to work for hire, you are picking up a second job. I addressed
this issue at length in this a blog post, but comments cannot contain links or URL's here. Tell the Examiner they should enable links in order to broaden discussion!
I work full time outside the home and run the household while my husband is trying get a business off the ground. He does what he can but neither of us has a lot of extra time. I put in 12-14 hours between commuting and being in the office and then come home and try to help with homework, make a somewhat healthy dinner and find a few minutes to myself. The biggest thing that makes me crazy is all of the men I work with who have stay at home wives and they spend even more time in the office than I do. I'm in at 7:30 and usually don't leave until at least 5 and they look at me like I have two heads because around there that is a part time day. It kinds of sucks.
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