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When your spouse becomes your roommate

Your husband just shouldnt be the guy that shares your space.
Your husband just shouldnt be the guy that shares your space.

Couples should get along, but they should do more than just get along. It is a shame when a once-happy married couple is reduced to a set of roommate that just happen to share a last name. Everyone expects weddings and honeymoons to be fun, but do we expect it to end there? We shouldn’t, but it seems that way.

It is common to hear people jokingly refer to their spouses as the “old ball and chain,” suggesting that they’re trapped and anchored to their spouse, like slaves to a prison cell. What a horrible way to think of marriage! If you feel trapped, it is highly unlikely you’ll be happy. If you think of marriage as a trap, the same holds true. You should see it as a choice, something you gladly and willingly entered into, something you gladly and willingly stay in.

Take a hint from fire. You can’t just light it and think your work is done. You’ve got to stoke it, blow it, feed it. It’s real work, but in the end you get the benefit of its warmth and comfort. Marriage is the same way. It’s not something you passively go through. It’s something you actively work through. It truly is a job. This doesn’t mean that you should think of your marriage as a chore, but that you should be aware of the amount of attention and work necessary.

Once the honeymoon phase ends, a lot of couples let the romance and intimacy go with it. Between jobs, and second jobs, and kids, and other obligations, couples forget about each other. They develop a daily routine completely devoid of special time dedicated to just the two of them. “We don’t have the time,” is the common excuse given. However, if those same people are given the opportunity to get a raise at work in exchange for putting in more hours, I’m sure they’d have the time then. No matter how busy we are, people make time for the things we really want. If you really want your husband to be more than just a roommate, make time for him. If you really want wife to be more than just a roommate, pay attention to her. You can’t blame your stale marriage on anyone but yourselves, and it won’t be improved by anyone else but yourselves.

It’s easy to talk about the relationship you’d like to have. “Sure would be nice if my husband treated me like that.” The problem is that too many people only talk about it. They act as if a happy marriage is some mysterious, mythical creature that only exists in fairytales. The reality is that it only exists between couples that work hard enough to create it. Marital happiness shouldn’t fade because the excitement of the first year is over. It should grow and multiply into something that gets progressively better with age. That’s how it should be, but you just can’t sit back and wait for it to happen. You’ve got to make it happen.
Sending beautiful energy your way,
~Nadirah Angail
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All Kansas City Marriage Advice Examiner content ©2010 by Nadirah Angail Habeebullah; reposts permitted with copyright notice and link back to original article. All other rights reserved.



  • Sakina 5 years ago

    I like this one.

    Sometimes, in my experience, it is beneficial to be like a roommate to one's spouse in certain circumstances. What I mean is being a friend that you split the bills and tasks with, without having huge emotional reliances/responsibilities on them.
    What I'm saying doesn't negate anything your saying; that's not my intention.

    Thanks for sharing this one. I especially like the retro image you included. Nice.

    Ann Arbor Islamic Issues Examiner

  • Amy 2 years ago

    I'm not even a room mate, married 45+ years and y husband has lived his life in he basement and I upstairs He moved his things down stairs the day after our wedding. He refuses to accept me as a wife! We had sex once in all these years, I was told it was disgusting, smelly, messy, pointless, meaningless, not worth the effort. He didn't understand how one human could do such a disgusting ting to another human. There fore he said that sex thing will never ever happen again. I don't know why I stayed in the same house with him and it was so stupid of me. I'm past the age of caring anymore, I have my shrink and anti-depressant to keep me company.

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