If you are reading this article, there is a high percentage chance that you are familiar with my paperback entitled Mode One: Let the Women Know What You're REALLY Thinking. The main premise of my book is to encourage single heterosexual men to express their romantic and/or sexual desires, interests and intentions to [single] women in a manner that is more highly self-assured, upfront, unapologetic and straightforwardly honest. I also have a talk radio podcast program on the BlogTalkRadio Internet Radio Network entitled Upfront & Straightforward with Alan Roger Currie that emphasizes the same general theme, and features interviews and discussions with some of the best experts and authors in the field of dating and relationships in the country.
In just the last month, I have had two female guests attempt to engage me in a debate while expressing challenges against the idea of upfront, straightforward honesty (one being political commentator Sophia A. Nelson and more recently, feminist blogger Clarisse Thorn). Nelson categorized the pursuit of casual sex as being representative of "immaturity" and "foolishness" and remarked that even when a man is upfront and straightforwardly honest about his desire for only casual sex, his behavior is still not to be admired or respected (listen to her full argument here, starting with approximately the 35:00 mark); Similarly, Thorn suggested that even if a man is being upfront and straightforward with a woman about his desire for only casual sex, he still could be criticized for misleading and manipulating a woman if he knows this woman has developed emotional feelings for him during the course of their casual sex episodes (listen to her full comments here, starting with approximately the 81:00 mark).
Okay. Time out. Enough of this nonsense. Real life does not resemble the 1990 box-office hit Pretty Woman.
If you are a regular reader of this column, you know that I have on at least a couple of occasions stated that "marriage is not for everyone." Some men and women are simply not cut out for marriage. Particularly those who love to have sex with multiple partners. Why get married if you know at the time you become engaged that you still possess a high degree of promiscuous tendencies?
I feel the exact same way about casual sex. Some men and women are simply not designed to handle premarital sex and/or sex outside the context of a long-term, emotionally profound, exclusively committed relationship. You know who you are (if you know for a 100% fact that you do not fall into this category, you have my permission to stop reading now).
Men: If you do not possess the bold cojones to be upfront and straightforward with women about your desire for casual sex, then do not lay down in bed with that woman. Quit 'pretending' to be interested in a long-term monogamous relationship when you know you just want to tap that ass.
Women: It has been said that women are much more emotional than men when it comes to matters of the heart, and dating and relationships. The vast majority of women (at the risk of generalizing) simply do not do a good job of separating good sex from feelings of love and emotional bonding (ever heard of oxytocin and dopamine?). Quit 'pretending' to be content with casual sex when you know deep-down you want something more serious, more long-lasting and more committed.
When it comes to this subject, I will admit: I have a few more harsh criticisms toward the female gender than I do the male gender. Why? The vast majority of men (again, I'm generalizing a bit) do not correlate feelings of love with enjoying good sex. Personally, I can have sex with a woman twenty-five times or more, and never, ever develop any 'emotional bond' with her (in fairness, so can SOME women; call girls, prostitutes, and adult film actresses know how to separate the enjoyment of sex from their personal feelings).
Many women foolishly think that the enjoyment, pleasure and satisfaction they can provide to a man and his penis with their vagina is going to have this "magical power of persuasion" that will ultimately make him back off of his original firm stance toward only wanting casual sex, and now he will change his mind and escalate the series of sexual interactions into something more meaningful and long-term. Here is where you cue the sound of that television game show buzzer that sounds off when a contestant offers the wrong answer.
Listen up ladies: If a man makes it straightforwardly clear to you that all he is looking for is a one-night stand, weekend fling, "friends with benefits" relationship, or nine-and-a-half-weeks of casual sex enjoyment, believe him. For many men, having a great orgasm is like smoking a good Cuban cigar with a glass of Jack Daniels. It is simply a stress-reliever. Nothing more, nothing less. This is why many men do not engage in much foreplay before [casual] sex, or are not too enthusiastic about "cuddling" after an episode of casual sex. That is too 'romantic.' Casual sex is for men and women who simply want to "get off" and satisfy a lustful desire and urge.
Every woman who I have had casual sex with since my early-to-mid 20s, I made it perfectly clear that I was only interested in short-term and/or non-monogamous sex. With the women who accepted the program, and shared the same desires, interests and objectives, we had a great time for the length of time that our interactions lasted, which could have ranged from one night to over a year. Like many men though, I have encountered at least a half-dozen women who would initially express that they were "cool" with just casual sex, but a few weeks or a few months later, they started 'catching feelings' and wanted more. Can we say, 'stalkers?'
Should I be made to feel guilty because a woman wants more? No. Now realistically, if I am having what I believe to be casual sex with a woman, and she says in the middle of the act, "Alan, I love you...," that is the last time I am having sex with that woman. I am not going to toy with that woman's emotions. That being said, a man should never be criticized by a woman for 'misleading' her if he made it unequivocally clear that he is not interested in anything 'serious.'
I'm a big NBA fan (Go Chicago Bulls!). Now we know about this year's incidents involving LeBron James, Carmelo Anthony, and Kendrick Perkins. Remember when Allen Iverson was traded to the NBA's Denver Nuggets from the Philadelphia 76ers? Some fans felt bad for Iverson and Perkins, while other fans direct anger and hurt feelings toward James and Anthony, but the reality is, the NBA is a business. You know that going in, or at least, you should know that.
Same with casual sex. Some would argue, "well your professional life is different from your personal life," and that is true to a large extent, but the principle is the same. If a man and a woman engage in sexual relations prior to being engaged and/or married, there is always at least a fifty-five percent chance or greater that the relationship is going to abruptly end without warning.
Once again, I am not a fan of men who are lying womanizers (a.k.a. "dogs"). If you are a man, and all you want is casual sex, just say so upfront.
Motivational speaker Kirk Nugent did add this thought into the mix: "Have you ever noticed that the women who are constantly complaining about men being 'dogs' are the same women who wake up with a bunch of flea bites?"
Plain and simple, if you are a woman who has a hard time distinguishing between a man wanting to exchange orgasms with you from a man wanting to express his undying love for you and/or spend the rest of his life with you, then keep your legs closed until you get a ring on your finger, or at least until you know you are romantically involved with a man where emotional bonding and great sex come together as a 'package deal.'
Otherwise, you will be clicking on THIS LINK.
Sex is sex, love is love, and the two are not synonyms.
Make wise decisions.
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