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When should you snoop on a man?

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Dear Diva,

My boyfriend and I have been living together for almost 2 years. It’s been a good relationship so far. Lately I noticed he has been working a lot more, staying late, going to the gym more etc…Our sex life is still good, but it makes me wonder if he may be interested in someone else on the side.

I have already done the usual snooping in his coat, cell, and pockets but …haven’t found anything unusual. Are there any other ways to tell if a guy is cheating. I don’t want to be the last to know.

Concerned-in-Coppell

Dear Keep-Your-Hands-Off-His-Stuff,

Sister, sit down and get your hands out of his pockets, we need to talk. Ya want to know the quickest way to get a man to cheat on you? Start treating him like he already is. I want you to know that your statement “…the usual snooping” offends me as a woman. It implies that it is common-place for women to behave in this manner. It is not.

The very second I find myself reduced to looking through a mans cell phone because of my insecurities, I know there is a problem regardless of what I would find. That is NOT what “good looks like to me.” Who wants to live like that? Looking through pockets and sneaking around? You are not secure in your relationship, and there is your first problem.

Look we all have moments of insecurity, it happens. But for me, in a good relationship, you should be able to keep perspective and if there is real concern, talk to your other half. Maybe he does not even realize he has been so caught up in work and other things lately, or that you are feeling a little insecure. Talk to him, honestly without accusing or shouting and see how he responds to that. If he responds to you with negativity, belittles and ignores your feelings, or becomes angry- you have a relationship problem, cheating or no cheating.

I understand not wanting to be the last to know. I have been cheated on. He denied any of it, but I knew. That is frustrating, we all say “I just want to KNOW.” We want proof, so we can call it. What I didn’t realize then was that the “proof” was really irrelevant. I was not happy in the relationship, and I don’t want a relationship that I am constantly wondering about. I can promise you that sneaking through is things doesn’t make you feel better as evidenced by your letter. It only makes you feel worse. Its bad enough to be insecure, but now your an insecure snoop.

Talk to your man, and let the interaction between the two of you decide where the relationship goes or doesn’t- not his pockets and cell phone.

Love, Diva

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